The Environmental Working Group, which is totally a real place and not like when you tell people you're an "architect," checked out the radiation levels of over a 1,000 cell phone models and confirmed what I've always suspected-Koreans are awesome and everyone should be grateful. SoKo company Samsung captured 1st, 3rd, 4th, 5th, and 6th with LG nabbing 8th place for lowest radiation emission levels but I'm loathe to report the Motorola RAZR (hisssssss Japaneeeeese), that paragon of canny design that ensures thick layers of face sebum be all up on as much surface area as possible at all times while possessing the acoustics of two Siggi yogurt cups and a bit of butcher's twine, is in second place.

Apparently, everyone's freaking out because prior studies were inconclusive as to the correlation between cell phone radiation and tumors ONLY because they weren't conducted for long enough. Now, since it's 2009 it's tooootally plausible that the early adopters of the 4 billion cell phone users (who are maybe going to hell anyway because they are rich businessman d-bags) might start going ANY. MINUTE. NOW. Bye!

To minimize risk, the EWG advises to "text whenever possible" and "use headsets" to lessen the risk of brain and salivary gland tumors which if we don't all start doing means Japanese schoolgirls, outbound telemarketers and talent agent's assistants will be the only ones left to propagate mankind. Goodie.

Earlier: Cellphones and Tumors