Long Player with D.R. Adams: Q-Bert (*&%$#)
There are two ways to think about Q -Bert. Or not. Maybe there are an indefinite number of ways. Look at all this punctuation.
"Punctuation," the word, always sounded to me like the name of some creepy camp in Pennsylvania, like the one, not the one next to, but the one next to the one next to Crystal Lake.
( ) : ; look at that shit.
Anyway, there are two ways I am thinking about Q-Bert now, either if videogames were around when making Exile on Main Street maybe it would have been a single album or that maybe it would have been longer. The game might have either:
A. taken up way too much time thus, no "Just Wanna see his face,"
or,
B. the game would have kept folks busy and "off the drugs."
My brain hurts. I know, "your face hurts from staring at my brain." Well…whatever.
Q-BERT. The name is basically a floating pyramid in space made of ice cubes. That is bad-fucking-ass. The name is actually the dumbed down version of how people spell FUCK on websites with manners (*&%$#) but Q-Bert is a walking video game version of FUCK and he will run from your snake on the colorful pyramid of life in outer space til it changes color and become fucking ice-cubes.
DRUGS.
Also See: (drugs.drugs.drugs.drugs.drugs.drugs.drugs.drugs.drugs.drugs.drugs.drugs.drugs)
Q-Bert changes the colors of the pyramid as he ascends or descends the pyramid. Once Q-Bert has changed all the colors on the pyramid a new level starts. Oh also he has a hollow nose. Once in awhile you accidentally make Q Bert jump off the pyramid. It's like Billy Joel and houses… this shit happens.
Maybe Q-Bert shooting stuff out of his nose is meant to mean coke. An article came out the other day that talks about how Video Games are POSSIBLY as or more addictive than cocaine and can change your brain so that you remain, like, some kind of super teenager loser and stay totally immature. Fuck THAT!
I fell asleep today in the middle or writing this. I was listening to Germs (GI) which is basically one of the best albums I own. I love DISCHARGE so much too but Germs (GI), man, that is some fine punk ass record listening.
Anyway Gmail went out or something and I was tired so I took an hour nap. When I woke up I was having a bad dream but it wasn't really all that bad mostly it was just like cheesy and wanted to be bad and LO AND FUCKING BEHOLD I woke up and Glen Danzig's classical music album was on, Black Aria. Whoa man. Just whoa. What in the satanic cut-off black t-shirt world is going on here.
I gots to go to the recording studio pretty soon so here is the windup. Watch this.
If Q-Bert is standing on the upper part of the pyramid and is looking at you does that make him a weird masonic symbol? People are saying that Jay-Z is a mason. In my opinion that would only make him the same about of awesomeness he already is so, funny hat and all, have at it.
The snake in Q-bert is also very awesome and mainly the game is really dumb and one time when I was on a lot of serious-serious drugs I was playing Q-Bert and I was sure that Q-Bert had stopped on the board and was talking to me. Seriously. It was also in public but the only way anyone would have know was face sweat. LOL.
If you don't like this article then it is because you are (or possibly I am) stupid so enjoy this old but amazing jam I made.
P.S.
The best level is when the cubes are blue. That is the shit. Later.
REMEMBER – DON'T PLAY VIDEO GAMES SITTING DOWN AND YOU WON'T GET WANKED LOOKING IN THE MID SECTION.
STAY ATHLETIC ABOUT YOUR SHITS and also EVERYONE IS STUPID.
bye. iss yall. RUFF.
PREVIOUSLY: Galaxian 2 Handheld, New York City
David Ryan Adams is a musician, writer, and visual artist. A one time plumber and Hardee's employee, his new collection of original paintings is on view at the Morrison Hotel Gallery's Bowery space. His second book of poetry, Hello Sunshine, hits the shelves this fall. He will be appearing at the New York Public Library tomorrow night. You can find him in the B.C. Rich section of most guitar stores. He is amazing and much taller and far more handsome in person. Also, he has a new record label all his own, Pax-Americana.
The Germs are touring Europe in a month. It is really strange seeing that actor-kid playing Darby Crash so well.
I came here and said "blah blah blah" and the editors deleted it! –The Editors.
Stop antagonizing!!
this is because you are "very smart" now sit over there and don't touch anything Tod
RAWK!
Qbert has a mouth that is also a nose – does this mean he has some mysterious sense betwixt taste and smell?
maybe anteater ancestor?
I also said a bunch of blah blah and the editors also deleted it! –The Editors.
Blah!
BLah!
Blaaah..
Blurgh?
Blargh.
Blah!
Thanks for reminding me why music blogs suck kiddos.
Or maybe gaming blogs? I do commend you on your spelling though. Stay in school kids. It's the cool thing to do.
It's true, BoHan's right.
You are right BoHan. I am sorry.
Weak, weak. Cowardice, cowardice. We're so damn precious and protective. and so on and so forth.
I think you are stupid or maybe just too fucking young to know, because you left out the most awesome part of Q*bert (not Q-bert you moron) which was this god-awful physical whacking sound that came out of the cabinet when poor Q fell off the pyramid. Nowadays the thwacking actuator isn't in the cabinets anymore, so I don't know why they even bother with the game because that's what made it awesome.
That's a lot of rage over a video game, Bucko.
Get a job.
my, my.
DO NOT GET A JOB, they are HIGHLY OVERRATED.
I have a job. An awesome job.
I read this over and I'm not seeing the rage. Our author said everyone was stupid, and that the reader was stupid if they didn't like the article. I merely continued the stupidity, whilst pointing out that the stupid author left out the most stupid part of the stupid game which was the stupid whacking sound that came from the stupid cabinet. I'm not mad, just stupid.
I actually thought you were fairly in keeping with the tone of the column! And I appreciated your comment.
ditto
Yeah, now you tell me.
lol
w/belly wiggling
also: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B28AYzD75E4
This was the only cabinet/Atari game we had for our Apple IIe. Everything else was some kind of brainy chess/olympics-like bullshit. So… I have good memories.
Nice to see some love for the Germs. The old school ones. I haven't heard them without Darby. I'm working on 2 and half hours sleep here today, so maybe that's why, but I found this all very amusing. Someone is sure to tell me I am just easily amused, but, you know, fuck that.
laughter is good medicine…being 'easily' amused is healthy therefore? .
I like that theDRA distinguishes between "serious-serious drugs" and what I can only assume are "funny-serious drugs." He is all the afterschool special I ever need. This column is like a Helen Huntian defenestration of fun. (That's totally a compliment.)
Also, can we talk about Q-Bert as an OG dickface? I mean, was ever a more perfect peenschnozz ever inserted into teen consciousness? (Sorry, Karl Malden – it was a close vote.)
a former boss' wife strapped a penis nose thing on her face at a party and danced with someone while wearing it and her husband turned beet red… very bizarre looking seeing a woman with a pee pee for a nose…
maybe had to be there.
Risen Lord Jesus' Peace!
e.t./sue > *:D (: +
Thanks Ry for the laughs. I really enjoyed this one:)
Not EVERYONE IS STUPID. (stop yelling) Some of us are merely underwhelmed.
totally. I am about to have some pizza which is stupid. stupid is good. go stupid. also stay smart about your stupid. get it fresh.
ruff
I miss seeing Joni :)
comments sections are perfect for remembering
a. there are people left in the world with no sense of humor there are places for them on the internet underneath the writing
and
b. people still love The Germs!!!
Hell yes USAinternets
Go Stupid or Go Home
Or (a) some humor requires a victim and (b) some victims make themselves easy targets. Or whatever.
Old videogames went out of style because they suck, you know?
or "sarcasm, it's what's for breakfast" er…maybe not at your house.
: ( u poor thing.
Yeah, we're with food… It's sustaining but much less fulfilling. But, I luv emoticons, lol.
Toadvine – you need to get a frickin life. Let the man do his thing. Making fun of Ryan Adams for having a name that sounds like Bryan Adams is about as original as the Rock N Roll record. Get some new material. RIP Big Baby Jesus.
Hey can sum1 link the mp3z to. The new Adams album in a zip file plz? I don't feel like buying it. Kthnx
Oh man – he's totally gonna throw Mandy's Mac Book across the room when he reads that one, brah….
theRZA, watch you don't offend the awl's famous blogger lest your comments get taken down by the editors for fear of upsetting The One because, you know, they never make fun of people. ALSO, The One needs to do a duet with Anne Murray and Shania, his Canadian cohorts. (Seriously though, Leonard Cohen?)
C'mon, let's all be civil. I mean, he's kind of famous. And, perhaps, handsome? So I'd guess that an exclamatorily exuberant editor would be all but required to defend his honor, you know, after receiving his email requesting that the comments be scrubbed of humor. We are required to submit to the rambling Q*bert speech, but not allowed to subtly (or not) point out how utterly humorless and poorly done it is.
keep clicking away dad this is so funny. you're gettin all worked up now you old weirdo- dont shit your khakis….
Hey Ryan, any chance of wiskeytowne gettin back together? If so and u need a bassist, hit me up – bAsSpLaYa666@aol.com. Some of my influences r les clay-pool, violent j, and Paul "2" Gray. I'm avalable to tour May thru August 15 (summer vacay). Also any chance for a duet album with mandy? (My sis is making me ask, ::rolls eyes:: )
rah rah
for some reason i am remembering Quisp cereal probably cuz of the Q
i had cable GAC on for a while looking for the Detroit Cleveland ballgame and the GAC Nights hostess mentioned Ryan Adams in a complimentary way while interviewing David Nail.
small world
Risen Lord Jesus' Peace!
e.t./sue > *:D (: +
This entire episode reminds me of the tone at my family's Sunday dinners. These would commence about 2 hours after returning from good old Sunday Mass.
this is so much fun. cmon keep going little man
Yes! Small stature is telling!
Did someone say Sunday Mass? I am among friends.
laterbye…got an adoration chapel shift
say what?
http://www.therealpresence.org
Risen Lord Jesus' Peace!
e.t./sue > *:D (: +
I know everyone is stupid and stuff, but I don't get the point in coming here and reading DRAs article if you don't like his writing? Why read it, hate it, and then bitch about it? Could you just read the first paragraph and then kill yourself?
Thanks.
Oh yeah, I forgot to say… I like it.
And… friday night is pizza night. Which means friday is the best day of the week. Which means I am currently living in the best day of the week. So life is good.
Peace. Or, as someone once wrote, piece.
Of what?
Gmail really needs to break down more often. This is what happens when scientists conjure up the mutated genetic spawn of Balk, Choire, a hookah, and some heroin and then give it posting rights on The Awl.
Balk and Choire are going to lock you in a Breeding Chamber with Ms. Choi, yes? I assume it is the obvious next step.
How on EARTH did I not connect the dots until now?! My grandfather was a grand poobah (or whatever they're called) in the Masons, AND I LOVE Q*Bert! Finally the truth is out! Sadly, I suck at Q*Bert. Doesn't stop me from starting over, playing until I die and starting over again, but you know — it's funner that way never getting past the first level.
Also, just a word of advice if you're going to be painting with acrylics – you may consider putting the lids back on when you're done. Oh I know, it looks all artsy if you just leave your paints all strewn about, but if you don't replace the cap the paint will dry out and you'll be stuck playing with clay during recess. And no one likes clay. NO ONE.
And…..question re: "Stage Fright" (circa 2008) — what's with the sad-looking/possibly crying girl(?) in the front row? Do you regularly have fans bursting into tears during your concerts? I, personally, would not cry during a concert. Actually I take that back, I shed a tiny tear during John Tesh's show years ago — he came into the audience with his little carry-along keyboard thing and it was AWESOME. But you know, just for the record, I choose to bum people out rather than blatantly cry. Just saying.
Dear Ryan,
WE GET IT: YOU LISTENED TO METAL AS A KID.
Love,
Phil
that other article called teenagers "gods biggest mistake", (ha! awesome) but also when you're a teenager people expect stupidity. being a teenager was a stupid amount of fun. i was off Q*bert by that time tho, sadly. i sucked at it anyway.
Dear trolls:
Try being funnier!
Love,
Every Awl commenter below #1000
Oh, so you were on the bandwagon before the slogan Be Less Stupid with your fancy 147 and then stayed after they did the exact opposite with this video game vanity wank-fest, right? My apologies then, Hex. You're a visionary!
I think you're missing the real point of the slogan.
But no matter: Telling YOU to "be less stupid" would be like telling water to "be less wet."
Hmmm. Interestingly quick move to the old ad hominem attack, no? But, regardless of your attempt, in the parlance of the comments on this post "stupid" appears to be something of a compliment.
I'm glad you realized you can't spell Hez without a voodoo curse. Speaking of visionaries, enjoy the bloody eyeball and the withered arm! xoxox
Here's my Q*bert story: Late in my senior year at college back in the 80s, a Q*bert machine showed up in my frat house. I don't remember how that came about, but it was awesome because you'd put a quarter in and you could get it right back out again, because the cashbox wasn't locked. So it was free all the time (like it is for lucky Ryan in his arcade room).
During the final week before graduation, I got stoned and played that thing every day. I was supposed to be writing overdue final papers (I'd been granted several extensions). But I didn't finish them until after graduation and, as a result, I didn't get my diploma until the following year (in the mail).
So today, whenever there's something important I need to do that I'm procrastinating about, I sometimes hear Q*bert sounds in my head: the "jumping, jumping sound" … and *especially* I hear that little "o-o-oh" wail Q*bert lets out when he jumps off a block into space and starts falling.
Even to this day, that "o-o-oh" cry is the sound that procrastination makes in my head.
Pump It UP!! haha
I know nothing about video games. which makes me laugh even harder when I read this goddam columns. keep up the stupid, DRA.
"… and I was sure that Q-Bert had stopped on the board and was talking to me."
Don't hold out on us, man. WHAT DID HE SAY?
Whoa. What the hell happened here?
3 for 1 special on silver spray paint cans at Wal-Mart and my parents went out of town.
Will whoever edited this please work on my comments too? *swoons*
No, this one wasn't edited. I just dig inhalants.
well after all this ridiculously funny stupidness….. there nothing to say except Pitfall and Frogger rocked me….next!
John Tesh luvz some studies.
I tell ya, when he played that ESPN theme song I felt like getting out my lighter. That song is like 'Free Bird' to me. Seriously.
Q-bert? I knew that little HO in beauty school. He couldn't clip a coupon, and he still got my De Barge cassette.DANG!I cant stand him! Back in first Alopecia. The eighties is over and you large now diva.
so what about the end of the 80's when discharge got all hair-metalled out? ( musta been something in the water. remember junkyard?)
Qbert was good but it's all about the tomytronic 3d – planet zeon. That almost sent me blind.
Also check out the flight of dragons on youtube, classic 80's cartoon action.
This seems right up DRA's alley.
http://milkquarious.com/#/trailer
do the old contra code for secret hidden rock opera game.
u know u know it… up,up,down,down,left,right,left, right, B, A.
Another great column – anyone who can work from Q-Bert to Black Aria without breaking a face sweat = major kudos.
Nice COC shirt. I have the white one but the t-shirt's basically disintegrated and it looks like I'm wearing the black logo on bare skin.
The Balloon song IS one tasty jam…did I hear "junkyard dog" in there? Anyways, the 2000's are almost gone…nothing says new column in 2010 quite like Spy Hunter…just sayin.
Dude! whatever happend to street fighter 2!!?…or was that too nextGen?