Wednesday, September 2nd, 2009

Levi Johnston's Sarah Palin Article Simplified

Simplified for easy reading!I just read "Me and Mrs. Palin," in which young Levi Johnston "tells Vanity Fair his story about life with the Palin family-with whom he lived for two months after the election-over the course of his two-and-a-half-year relationship with Bristol." There are many surprising revelations in its pages; you could say that "he turns a number of commonly held beliefs about the former governor-the purportedly loving mother, devoted wife, and prolific hunter-upside down." (Particularly if you write teasers for Vanity Fair.) I suggest you go out and buy a copy!

Still, there was something rather troubling about the article: Almost none of the words within it were more than two syllables long. While the article is described as an "as told to" piece, it has clearly been shaped to give a more "authentic" feel, an authenticity which apparently excludes the use of big words. But why stop at two syllables? Wouldn't it be even more authentic if every word, excluding proper nouns, that came out of Levi Johnston's mouth were only one syllable? You can be the judge of that.

Me and Mrs. Palin

I was on a hunt with my dad and his bro. I got a call from my girl. She said her mom got picked to be Veep and I should come there right now. I said no but they made me. I was not sure how Bristol's weird mom thought she could be Veep.

Sarah and Todd don't cook or help their kids with school stuff or the wash. Sarah does not read a lot of books. Sarah likes to take long baths. Sarah likes to watch the tube. Sarah makes her kids go get things for her, like Taco Bell Crunchwrap Supremes. Sarah and my girl Bristol fought a lot.

Sarah was in a bad mood a lot. She said her job was hard. Todd drank beer out in the back much of the time. Sarah did not like Todd to drink so he had to hide it. Todd likes to race his sleds.

Sarah and Todd don't sleep in the same room.

Sarah and Todd fight all the time. Todd would get mad and yell that he and Sarah should split up. Still, Sarah ran the house. Todd would do what she told him to.

Sarah said she was a "hockey mom" but she was not at a lot of games. I have not ever seen her hunt or fish. She asked me how to shoot a gun she had but she did not know what kind of gun it was since it was in a box.

Sarah did not know how to hang a frame on the wall.

At the RNC in Minnesota Sarah made me cut my hair and shave and tried to make me get a spray tan. Sarah told us we should be glad that they would give us a lot of free clothes. All the girls liked the free clothes but I did not. Sarah and the girls were mad when they had to give the clothes back after Sarah lost, but they still kept some of them. Sarah got a lot of clothes.

Sarah's not one to cry a lot but she sure did cry when we told her Bristol was knocked up. Sarah was mad since she had just said on TV that Bristol was not knocked up. I thought Todd was going to kick my ass but he just told me that Bristol and I would have to tie the knot quick. I got a ring from Zales.

Sarah had a thought that we should lie and not talk about how Bristol was knocked up. She and Todd would take the kid. She kept on us to do it but we told her no. It was not a shock, since Sarah had lied when she was knocked up with Trig.

Sarah changed once she ran for Veep. She got used to the way things were done for her.

Sarah was bad on TV. We all knew it. We shook our heads when we saw her talk to the press. Sarah knew that she was not good. She would watch a speech she made and say that she was bad. Tina Fey did a good Sarah.

Sarah was sad when they lost the race. She would walk through the house with a pout on her face. Now she did not want to run Alaska. She would say how nice it would be to quit and make a lot of cash. She said that it was "not as hard" to write a book or do a show as it was to run the state, plus she would make three times as much.

She was mad when the McCain team said bad things like that she was why they lost. She thought she was why they got any votes at all.

When Tripp was born Sarah seemed to like him more than she liked Trig. She made weird jokes. She would say things like, "No, I don't want the retarded baby-I want the other one." We were all used to it.

My mom got nailed for a meth deal and soon Bristol and I split up. I still love Tripp and want to take care of him. These days a lot of folks want me to do press and films and stuff. Who knows? It could be cool. If not I can still go back home and fuse wires like the rest of the Johnstons. That's still a lot of fun to me.

66 Comments / Post A Comment

katiebakes (#32)

I laughed.

Alex Balk (#4)

Good! That is what I hoped for!

brent_cox (#40)

Thinking of "Crunchwrap" as a proper noun is killing my afternoon.

sox (#652)

Balk, I do believe I have a growing crush on you…

hazmathilda (#839)

get in line

Heee! That's what I get for not refreshing after reading!

Also, great minds, et cetera…

Get in line!

HelloTitty (#830)

Am I in line?

"P.S.: Next month I get nude for for playgirl. I have to show my thing. Mom won't like it, but she deals drugs and I don't. So I need the cash."

Matt (#26)

"Sarah did not know how to hang a frame on the wall."

That is like art words. I like this stuff. Would read again.

hman (#53)

There's a Zales in Wasilla!

wiilliiaamm (#225)

I am less interested in what comes out of Levi's mouth and much more interested in unzi–well you know what I'm driving at.

Fact is–as much snark as I hear about Levi–he truly appears to be an innocent.

Any one worth their salt should take a look at the relationship between the ginourmous black dude and the junior lumberjack–that is the story–nothing torrid just a modern day David being protected by a Goliath who is beating back the hordes. There's even an evil witch in the story.

I need something to color after reading that.

Abe Sauer (#148)

Sarah Palin exploiting retarded baby = Vanity Fair exploiting Levi Johnson

HiredGoons (#603)


Two syllables Balk.


HiredGoons (#603)

retarded – actually this is three syllables.

Alex Balk (#4)

It's a direct quote.

HiredGoons (#603)

that's what I thought, just being a nitpicky twerp.

Very nicely done.

Moon LaRock (#1,394)

haha, "people" and, I guess, "hockey"? Although, maybe she is THE Hockey Mom.

baby: not proper; 2 syllables. I forgive since Zales is only one (unlike, say, Jared the Galleria of Jewelry).

Alex Balk (#4)

Shit. Fixed, thank you.

Hez (#147)

Balk is funny. I like it when he does stuff on here.

Alex Balk (#4)

Thank you. It is good when what I write makes you have fun.

KarenUhOh (#19)

I am having fun as well. I'm sorry I used a big word today.

HiredGoons (#603)

Can we get one in LOLCatSpeak?

Paul (#1,495)

“There was a lot of talk of divorce in that house … times when Sarah and Todd would mention it and sound pretty serious.”

Johnston is 18. He was dating Bristol when he was 17. To sports jock Johnston hearing the alphabet said aloud is pretty serious.

IBentMyWookie (#133)

It's like The Sound and the Fury set in Wasilla.

HiredGoons (#603)

or The Glass Menagerie.

lululemming (#409)

I was thinking Flowers for Algernon.

HiredGoons (#603)

Flowers in the Attic?

Cat on a Cold Arena Roof

Urbania (#94)

what if this article were written in Queen of England speak? just wonderin'.

At least he'd pass the exit exam out of Remedial English at a CUNY Community College. Jee-zoos, did that give me a flashback.

Abe Sauer (#148)

Ha. Its painfully accurate. Though probably TOO clean with too many appropriate apostrophe uses.

And Oh, Ok. So I read it and it's just as bad as I thought:

VF: "He turns a number of commonly held beliefs about the former governorâ€"the purportedly loving mother, devoted wife, and prolific hunterâ€"upside down.":

Levi: 'The Palin house was much different from what many people expect of a normal family, even before she was nominated for vice president. There wasn’t much parenting in that house. Sarah doesn’t cook, Todd doesn’t cookâ€"the kids would do it all themselves: cook, clean, do the laundry, and get ready for school.'

A "normal family?" Like a Vanity fair reading family where mom slaves over the stove? And how does this example enforce VF's statement about her being a
"purportedly loving mother?" Loving mothers have to stay home and cook? Later Levi says "I think Sarah wanted to make Bristol look good, and she didn’t want people to know that her 17-year-old daughter was going to have a kid." which to me sounds EXACTLY like what a very loving mother would do.

VF top-loads each clip of Levi's statements with a "this is what it means" bit about how Palin sucks balls. Is that necessary if his statements are so damning? Or, sadly, like all of Palin's followers, do we need VF baby-spoon-feading us the significance of what we're about to learn? Yes, she's a personal politics obsessed lunatic and egomaniac whose professional failings are numerous, though none of which we ever hear about because we're too busy getting dirt from her daughter's high school ex-boyfriend on whether or not she's going to get divorced… shades of the right's Clinton obsession of a decade ago.

Oh, and she wanted to turn in political office for the lucrative private circuit. Wow. SHOCKING news there. How many politicians want to, and ultimately, do that? *cough-all of them-cough*.

All of this inside a mag with the Kenndys on the cover, again, about more mythmaking tales of a family with so many skeletons in its political closet it makes the Palins look like the Cleavers. Way to make me actually feel sympathy for this nationally-embarrassing wreckage of persons, VF.

Any kid tall enough to hit the dials and buttons on a washer and dryer is old enough to to his/her own laundry. And the sorting thing works itself out as soon as one red sock ruins a load. The cooking thing is worrisome but hell, most American families eat corporate roadkill (unfortunately). Having lived for 20 years in a Mediterranean country where more than half the men I know over 40 can't or have never used use a washing machine, I'll all for feral child rearing.

But Palin IS a dangerous dolt.

HiredGoons (#603)

Yeah, it does seem like they're very independent. Intentional, or no, I can't say.

IBentMyWookie (#133)

Abe, come on. At least one of the parents should do the cooking for the kids. There's no two ways about that. If you're going to have one of God's Little Blessings (TM), then you have to take care of it.

Abe Sauer (#148)

One of the kids is in high school. I'm sure she cooks for herself and maybe siblings. Ever been in a home where there's a teen? The teen often gets (rightfully) enlisted to do work. But here, it's laid out like an indictment of some kind.

IBentMyWookie (#133)

Enlisted to do work is one thing. Yeah, taking out trash, doing laundry, fine. But preparing the family meals? No. Especially not when two of the kids are under the age of five. It's like that goddamned Duggar family where the older kids have to function as de facto parents for the younger siblings. If you're going to have kids, and you're going to go on and on about what a gift from the Lord these kids are, then bloody look after them yourself instead of delegating the task to the young 'uns.

I totally agree. But every time I go home to NY, I'm astonished at how many people live on some kind of takeout every night, and not just well off folk. Somehow, throwing together a protein, veg and carbohydrate seems beyond the capacity of a well educated parent in the city with the most 24 supermarkets anywhere. "It takes SOOOO much time". I really don't get it.

Abe Sauer (#148)

Wook: Ideally I'd agree with you. And, speaking more about the "average" Americans to which the Plains like to compare themselves, that's just simply not always possible. Anyway, we don;t know what "making meals" means here at all. My mom used to make ditch-poor 25 cent microwave pot pies for me and my brother EVERY DAY. Was she "cooking" by any standard of a teenager? Probably not. But was she feeding her children by the standards of an harried adult? Yes. I've seen the Plain kids and they hardly look malnourished.

Sarah: So true. But then. When are we ever taught to do that and how is it reinforced? We're not and it's not. (Home-Ec no longer being a valued part of no child being left behind.) Everyone is personally responsible for the food-like shit they shovel into their mouths; but then a trillion dollar industry is stacked against said person making that right decision. Who's your money on?

But I think this debate on poor nutrition strays from the VF point that this non-issue is one of the reinforcing parts of their argument that the Plains are unloving parents.

Abe Sauer (#148)

Damnit. I may be subconsciously subbing "Plains" for "Palins"

J-Mac (#1,466)

I used to watch Benson, so I know that every governor has a staff, including a butler played by Robert Guillaume, and a cook. So I don't get this at all.

Abe Sauer (#148)

Don;t admit this to anyone because it means YOU ARE OLD. Benson…. Ha. Now there's a title in need of a Hollywood "reboot"

Bittersweet (#765)

Thanks for pointing out the Kennedy hypocrisy, Abe. Sarah Palin may be a scary woman, but to everyone's knowledge she's yet to rape someone in a drunken bacchanal or leave someone to die at the scene of a car accident…after a drunken bacchanal.

Neopythia (#353)

Want moar plz. kthnxbai

RickVigorous (#214)

Well, fusing wires is fun.

HiredGoons (#603)

I think we can ALL agree: hope the bitch goes down.

IBentMyWookie (#133)


It's positively Balkzacian.

BronxWASP (#415)

I'd love to believe every word of this, but I bet the kid is a liar. Ask Bristol.

gregorg (#30)

that's what she said?

gregorg (#30)

1) love the effort to go multisyllabic where it really counts [hello, Crunchwrap Supreme!]

2) given all LJ's supposed hillbilly hotness, I'm a little surprised/shocked at that photo, which places him on way down on the lower quadrant of the grid, somewhere between pre-rehab Robert Downey Jr and a Boogie Nights-era John C. Reilly.

BoHan (#29)

Mr. Sauer, you are so awesome. Substitute whataburgers for pot pie and we had the same childhood. Keep up the good fight for the 50% of flyover America that has lived your life and that thec coasts can not comprehend. You did go to a public U., correct? The China stint always confuses me.

Abe Sauer (#148)

So you grew up on the "Why don't you kids go outside" parenting approach? And what the hell is a whataburger? Is that their real name? Sounds horrible. And of course I went to a public U. Why WOULDN'T you? More than a fight about flyover country, this is about Palin haters exploiting this poor dunce to the exact navel-gazing ends we seem to hate so much in political life. Instead of focusing on the specifics of how terrible she is at her job we are in an argument about her "values" which is EXACTLY where she wants us. It's like scientists agreeing to take part in a "debate" panel with some Intelligent Designers; the objective isn;t to win, it's to be given a seat at the table.

What? Didn't all wayward youth spend most of the 90s in China?

BoHan (#29)

Whataburgers? Oh man, the best thing to ever come out of Corpus Christi, Texas. They could have been In 'n Out. Coulda should woulda, but like Hardee's, couldn't pull it off in expansion.

Abe Sauer (#148)

"he best thing to ever come out of Corpus Christi, Texas". To me that sounds like "the best sex you've ever had with your grandma"….

Bittersweet (#765)

Abe, you are the awesomest. I'm always gobsmacked at how much hysteria Sarah Palin manages to incite in the mainstream media…and in my otherwise fairly sane very liberal friends. She may be a terrible politician with some very misguided policy ideas, but why not focus on that rather than giving fucktard here a platform to spout off about her taking baths and not doing laundry?

BillyMilder (#723)

Honestly, I love this. I would love to follow him around for a documentary. I would seriously do it for like, eight years. What we have here is such a perfection, such a diamond sided view of politics interacting with 'the' political hayseed. I know him. I mean, I don't, but I do. All that he was saying, all that he knows. It's the truth He doesn't yet know a reason to lie. There's not the celebrity intelligence yet. It's all beautiful and I actually feel bad for him. It's his mom who is the 'obvious' meth head. Not that it matters. I'm sure he's a moron. But for real, he is just a back woods dude about to strip for Playboy. G-d bless.

Drunk, so comment on the jist.

TableNine (#1,104)

I call bullshit on the VF article. No teenager can talk that long and only start 3 sentences with "I".

barnhouse (#1,326)

This sounds weirdly like certain parts of Infinite Jest.

glendale1 (#1,527)

I LOVE him! Hell, I have friends for clever conversation. I long for straightforward simplicity!

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