Karl Lagerfeld Extrudes Huge Puffy Chanel Bag O' Fug

LILY ALL INIt’s September 30th, 2009 which, as you all know, is just three days shy of that life-altering moment we’ve all been waiting for: the release of the Cocoon by Chanel line. You know the one, it’s got Lily “fake retiree” Allen in the campaign looking Audrey or Gabrielle or whatever gamine, doe-eyed/sloe-eyed, long-necked, 3/4 length everything, somethingsomethingmignonmignonDIAMONDS!

Cocoon, for those who remain completely ignorant of such very important, cataclysmic fashion tectonic plate shifts (Oh that? That’s just a new STYLE HORIZON, no biggie), is not just a Hume Cronyn movie about oldies and aliens, it’s also this one, hotly-anticipated series of bags and accessories. It’s also totally confusingly uggo.


I love Karl. He is, as I’ve said many times before, my spirit animal. He is just LOUSY (the chockablock kind, not the bad kind) with talent/canny/l’esprit and I summon him (hail to the guardians of the watchtowers of the north, I INVOKE THEE) when I have big decisions to make. That said, I am wicked bewildered at how plain these purses are. Especially the bucket-tote non-quilted ones (because, to be honest, as soon as they get HUMONGO, quilted and have a hilariously pedestrian function-I’m talking to you garment bag-they admittedly get a little cute).

Am I missing something? Are these like, eco-friendly or something? Is my really pretty purse inside the homely one just aching to shuck the fug and fly on out? I can’t stand the rain either and these Missy Elliott circa Supa Dupa Fly jams are not shutting it down for me. I’m sorry, when did Chanel start taking cues from (BAAAAAAAAAAARF) Moncler? Deuce-deuce in your bubble goose. Not the gun kind, the poo kind. I am deeply sadface about this.