"As soon as I started covering Barack Obama, I knew he was going to be trouble," writes Maureen Dowd in her Times column today. "Not Global Trouble, like W. and Dick Cheney. Or Hanky-Panky Trouble, like Bill Clinton and John Edwards. Or Tedious Trouble, like John Kerry and Michael Dukakis. He was going to be the kind of guy who whipped you up and then, when you were all excited, left you flat, and then-"
And then, and then. It is, oh my God, essentially the same Maureen Dowd column Maureen Dowd always writes. You could pretty much diagram this column and have a do-it-yourself Maureen Dowd kit. In fact, let's do that right now!
Overwhelming assertion about subject of column presenting a recent development as a longstanding belief.
Comparison of subject to other famous names who have held similar positions. Include cutesy descriptions that display little effort in their invention.
Vaguely sexual allusion.
Further comparisons, slightly more fleshed out but still tossed off and straining for a cleverness they never quite attain.
Pop culture reference (dated).
Assertive summation of conventional wisdom.
Offering of advice which, were the situation completely the opposite, would elicit completely opposite advice.
Collection of political catchphrases of the moment.
Dime store psychoanalysis.
Jumbled collection of cliched aphorisms and classical references.
More of the same.
Continued restatement of conventional wisdom finished off with pop culture reference (dated).
Fairly recent quote which supports position of column and conveys a sense of currency.
Further restatement of conventional wisdom fleshed out with names in the news.
Secret message to secret crush about how tough he is.
Historical perspective. (NOTE: Must be no more than two years old.)
One more trip to the conventional wisdom well.
Ridicule of safe topic almost everyone ridicules.
Continued ridicule.
Agreement that topic of ridicule is absolutely ludicrous BUT.
Assertion of fact which is predicated on alternate reality where politics is a rational science.
Recent quote from topic of column.
Use topic's quote against him, finish off with dueling pop culture references (dated).
NOTE: Do not attempt to try this at home unless you are pals with Leon, Jill, or Michiko; you will find yourself a few "observations" short.
So you're sayin' Dowd is the Law & Order of columnists?
She's no Lennie Briscoe.
I'll have my Dowd with a twist of Shakespearean Bush tragedy reference and just a whisper of Hepburn-Tracy dialogue.
Every Dowd column will also reference Bill or Hillary Clinton, no matter how little they have to do with the subject matter.
Let's not forget overall emasculating and resentful tone throughout.
Also! Punishing people for performing their gender wrong, esp. Hillary.
Hey! She knew Bill Safire when he was still alive. Show some respect fucknutzers.
To her credit (?), she didn't feel the need to explain who Jed Bartlett is.
...top of with a zest of lemon, some parsley, and serve about three weeks too late.
You forgot to include at least one alliterative phrase and a half dozen words found only in SAT prep books.