Horror Chick, with Melissa Lafsky: 'Pandorum' Is Bullshit In Spaaaaaace!
I thought about reviewing Tucker Max's new filmmaking atrocity this week, since let's face it, that thing is scarier than 90% of the torture-porn child-killing slasher flicks out there. But doing so would require one step not even I am willing to take: actually watching the fucking thing. So instead, we're going to talk about the genre of sci-fi horror instead. Because space is friggin scary.
Everything about it is a metaphor—the vast emptiness that signifies lonely chasms in our consciousness, the jarring discord of the unfamiliar, the endless darkness that makes you wonder if life has any significance or if we're all racing up little Sisyphean hills toward total oblivion (though at least we're not as fucked as Sigourney Weaver trapped in that alien hatching ground). Yup, everything is scary in space—the food, the clothes, the lighting, it's all strange and harsh and threatening and OH SHIT WHAT'S THAT ACID-DROOLING THING THAT WANTS TO EAT ME?? Oh thank God, it's just CGI. But it could happen, right? It's space! Anything goes!
As such, horror and space have made great bedfellows—there's Alien and its sequel (the third and fourth were unadulterated crap, as will be the prequel), plus The Thing (not really IN space so much as FROM it, though Antarctica may as well be another planet), and Event Horizon (that shit was SCARY—watching it turned my college boyfriend's Westchester McMansion into a teeth-grinding insomnia den).
Of course, it's not easy to come up with sci-fi horror that's good, since doing so requires stuff like actual talent and creativity. Which means there's a whole genre of crappy space movies that follow a single system: chop all the good elements out of better films and mush them together, until they form one ultra-derivative feature-length shitfest that sucks away your will to live. It's sort of like the chick lit fantasy where you splice everything you liked about all your past boyfriends into one perfect man—and then he hacks off your limbs and staple-guns your forehead.
So yeah, Pandorum = prime example of this "chop and hack" school of filmmaking. Lessee, we've got shit yanked from Star Trek and Serenity and Alien and Scanners and even some Mad Max thrown in for extra flavor. It's all ripped off—costumes, dialogue, sets—even the bloodthirsty creatures are plucked straight from The Descent's prop desk. Which is a shame, since Ben Foster (the star) is objectively cool—he was cooler than Russell Crowe in 3:10 to Yuma, and he was cooler than Josh Hartnett in 30 Days of Night (not that this is hard—my fridge holds mold spores that are cooler than Josh Hartnett).
But not even the Bodhisattva of cool could withstand the crappiness of a chopjob this derivative, and so Cool Ben Foster is stuck doing a lot of pointless crap for two hours. Like being naked and covered in goo. And running away from things. What things, we're never quite sure—at one point he's apparently fleeing a skinny chick with an accent. (Note to the boardroom full of guys in charge of greenlighting these things—it's almost never believable when a large man runs away from a 120-pound actress. Though granted, my linebacker-sized ex spotted me in the park the other day and took off like a fucking bandit. So it does happen.) Then he has a couple fight scenes taken straight from a Steve Austin/Randy Savage rematch, but by then you've ceased to care, since you're gasping for breath as your will to live is sucked through your nostrils by demon corporate moviemaking.
Finally they hit you with this whole Pandorum thing, which is a retarded word to begin with—it sounds like what happens when you stub your toe so bad the nail falls off, or when your boyfriend texts your best friend at 2 a.m. asking if her boobs are real ("He did WHAT?! Oh I am gonna go Pandorum on his ass"). According to Dennis Quaid (always a reliable arbiter of psychiatric evaluations) it's what happens to your mind when you get stuck in space with no hope of return. Or when you watch too many shitty space-horror movies.
Melissa Lafsky really likes horror movies.
Brainstorm: Tucker Max in space. Really friggin scary.
Am I the only one who liked 'Alien Resurrection'? Thought it was the best since the first one.
I liked it, but it isn't the best. And Alien 3 is really good if you watch the director's cut. David Fancher's thoughtful gem got hacked to pieces by studio suits when it was released in theaters.
I liked them Both, if you try not to think about Scott or Cameron I think they hold up well especially the Dir. cut of 3. I locked myself in a thai hotel once and Fucking resurrection was one of the three movies they were playing on the Hotel closed circut for the entire 10 days I was three I saw it god knows how many times and my feelings about it didn't change… also that one french actress in 4 has an amazing ass.
the biggest problem with AR is that we have no frakking idea what the real obstacles between the characters and their exit is, so we have no idea how much danger they're in. Aliens followed the tried-and-true: we know what the alien lair is like because we've SEEN it. So when Ripley goes down there, we know how much danger she's in, and consequently we're very engaged in her struggle to get out. Everything in Aliens is set up and pays off (confession: I've seen it about 60 times). Alien Resurrection sets up nothing and therefore can't pay off.
[spoiler!]
And even the seemingly perfect casting of Winona Ryder as a robot (c'mon, we love her, but she can be a little "stiff" or one-note) isn't very satisfying.
[end spoiler]
I like it too. I love Michael Wincott, I love Brad Dourif. I think Sigourney Weaver's performance is really interesting. Plus it just looks so damn cool.
Also, Spaceballs. That movie scared the shit out of me.
I would argue 2001 is the scariest space movie ever. Also, are you going to review The Human Centipede? Shudder.
If I watch a scary movie I am guaranteed an even scarier dream. So, no scary movies for me.
In space, no one can see your byline.
God damnit, I 'm supposed to go see this movie on my date on Thursday. I guess it's Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs instead…
My guess is Pandorum = Pandora, but neutered.
Or Santorum, but with less froth?
WindowSeat = awesome
Okay Lafsky, tell me about Event Horizon. I'm a fan, but I still can't figure out—how could it possibly have been so enjoyable when things happened after other things for no discernible reason? And how can you possibly put together a film career, no matter how short-lived, if you're named Noseworthy and look like you should be named Noseworthy?
Event Horizon is one scary-ass movie. One of my favorites.
Still waiting on Choire's Flicked Off: Tucker Max.
(Also thank you for confirming the crapfest-ness of this motion picture!)
Event Horizon wasn't enjoyable – it was bizarre and twisted and made no sense – which made it all the scarier. Sam Neill is creepy on a good day. He was creepy in The Piano, he was creepy in Jurassic Park – when he was alone with those kids in that tree I was sure he'd eat their faces or something.
What about the Sam Jackson squid space movie?!?!?
You mean Sphere? Technically it falls into "undersea horror" – that'll get its own column. Funny how SLJ trades up giant squid for supersharks in Deep Blue Sea. Next it'll be genetically-altered killer whales.
"Event Horizon" and "Sphere" were two sides of the same turd – just that one had sunk to the bottom of the bowl, and the other became a nasty fart in space.
Take:
1 part "Solaris" (either version),
1 part "Alien" art direction, and
4 or 5 parts for over-paid actors "slumming" it in "genre" films to show the depths of their whoredom.
half-bake and season with CGI. Serves a few million and leaves everyone hungry.
pandorum (2009) WILL BE NICE MOVIE FOR ALL. I have watch that movie and it was amazing guy. but i do not like their make up.those are made me upset.though those are horrible to see it was well combined with the movie story.
source
http://blog.80millionmoviesfree.com/in-theaters/watch-pandorum-online
when doing 'undersea horror,' please do not spare LEVIATHAN.