Emmys! Emmys!

It's Emmys night and everybody cares because it's not going against Mad Men, Curb Your Enthusiasm and a Giants game or anything like that AND wow I just learned that Justin Timberlake is taller than Ryan Seacrest which I guess I knew since Ryan is a pygmy teacup person and his femurs are fused straight into his ankles. Man, I shouldn't have worn a cashmere sweater to blog in cause this is SUPER STRESSFUL.

Live BLAWWGGGAGE! First time ever on the awl. No big deal. At least there's smoked, aged Gouda here. Also, pears.

8:00 p.m. YAY NPH!!!!!!! Oh he's so pretty and WOW Musical Number. I totally hate musical numbers, I always feel like the over enunciating is queer. Openly queer. Openly crossover queer. Also, Shahlhoub doesn't really rhyme with anything.

8:05 p.m. I LOVE that his mic is also white. Not even matte white from where I'm sitting. Is it shiny white? Like his satin lapel? Love. GAWD can we stop saying Kanye? It gives him power. We just have to stop believing in him and he'll go away.

8:09 p.m. FUCK NPHs talking like an auctioneer. I wish we could stop talking about the Family Guy. Stupid formulaic manatee tank…

8:11 p.m. JON HAMM. Liz Lemon go-to joke: adding "lady" to anything. Kristen Wiig needs a sammich. Oh snap V. WIlliams anti gag pact! Chenowith looks pretty. I love how we don't pretend she's freakshow little. She looks like she's standing four blocks away from the stage. Also, sounds like she's standing four blocks away. Oh man, shilling for a job is gangsta though. Also I think that's her real hair. Bully for her. Should've channeled some of that growth hormone to the torso is alls I'm saying.

8:17 p.m. Interesting theory: Jason Bateman is the straight Neil Patrick Harris? Discuss. Also, Chenowith? Crocodile tears? Additionally, are her hands slightly webbed? Like little twin stars? OK that's just a rumor. That I AM STARTING NOW. Did it take? Discuss.

8:21 p.m. Remember when John Hodgman got air time? GARRRRGH Remember when Robin from How I Met Your Mother wore satin and it was toootally a bad idea? And then in that color with the Don't Cry For Me Argentina hair? AHAHAHHA I love how everyone picked the wrong 30 Rock episode just cause it was called Mamma Mia. "Everyone" being the people in this room.

8:23 p.m. TV's BIGGEST FAN?? BARBIE ROSS?? OH snizz. Harlem Globetokens…

8:25 p.m. I love Julia and Amy onstage together. They look beautiful. Unlike John Cryer's cardigan situation. NPH is like Droopy, he's everywhere in the blink of an eye! OH MAN. I want to get to know Drama's date she looks like a rental. A beautiful, beautiful, goth-lady rental with vanessa paradis hair.

8:40 p.m. Faster programming? Tweeeeeeeeeakage. I love JT. I do. Can'ts helps it. Bring it on down to Omeletteville!!! YUCK United States of Tara? F'reals? I LOVE looking into Mary Louise Parkers eyes. It's like a contact high. YUUUUUUUUUUUCK. Love Toni Colette but YUUUUCK. That is one confection of a Sheila. Why is she so thin? Mixed feelings about the dress. Why are we looking at John Cryer again? And his inbound telemarketing tie…

8:47 p.m. Christine Baranski is a damn TREASURE. Love that woman.

8:48 p.m. Does it count as a guest star when it's SNL? I mean, I get it. It's Fey.

8:49 p.m. Can Marci Klein LIVE? JT didn't finish thanking her. Let us thank her here. Thx.

8:50 p.m. The bars reopened at the Emmys. Worth mentioning? Apparently.

8:53 p.m. I love that Jemaine doesn't have an "r." It's like restaurateur and that "n." Funtimes. I need a drink.

8:54 p.m. LOVE ALEC BALDWIN. LOVE LOVE LOVE. LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE. Why didn't HE thank Marci Klein? Things to ponder. Also to ponder: WHY THE FUGG anyone watches that piece of crap Family Guy crap. It's all been done. Done has been done done done dunzo.

8:58 p.m. Reality show. We're gonna need a montage. And a flood. YUCK. Autotune. Dancing. Reality. Tassle pants. How did things get so guido boomboom so fast? WHA HA HAPPA? And we skipped other stuff to do this? What year is this? This smells so much like car air freshener.

9:01 p.m. Jeff Probst. Is an android. There's a magical equation that dictated the most winsome depth of dimple and he's got em.

9:06 p.m. I love Tracy Morgan. He seems to be on incredibly good behavior. Really Amazing Race with deaf people? That's the clip we get over and over? Being deaf is so '80s. Like the episode where we all find out the super charming kid CAN'T READ.

9:09 p.m. Is it me or is Neil getting bored?

9:11 p.m. Kevin Bacon is getting hotter. WTF is that embroidery appliqué on the Kyra's bodice? Fancy rickrack glue gunned. Shohreh PURE SEX. Holy christ. SMOLDER. I want to steal this lady's trachea and larynx. So classy. So foreign. Obviously.

9:15 p.m. Ken Howard has not been formatted to fit my screen.

9:16 p.m. Wow. He called his wife Linda "sunshine." Boss HAWG. Into him again. It's her birthday. "Born well into the latter half of the previous century"??? Swung and SPRUNG. Unorthodox lapel spread forgiven.

9:19 p.m. Organ donor thanking is the new interrupting Taylor Swift and Max Kellerman. Pass it on. Or pay it forward. Whatever.

9:22 p.m. Brendan Gleeson looks like the other white guy that was just on here. In a good way, since his "mam died." :(

9:25 p.m. I need to start saying nice things about these people. They did really important work that I maybe did not watch. Empty seat pan WHUTT???

9:26 p.m. Patricia Arquette's boobs get this whole sentence.

9:28 p.m. Dearbhla Walsh. Some of us are super excited she won. Some of us are wondering if they have structured undergarments in Ireland. Uncle Ernie's explanation of the tabulationzzzzzzzzzzzzz… YAY!!!! DR. HORRIBLE!!!! KAPLOW!!! Joss Whedon. I just had to type his name right there. Browncoat. Meow.

9:33 p.m. Alec looks expensive. Grey Gardens???? Drew or Jessica???? JESSICA!!! Drew looks happy. I buy it. Won't whip it but I buy it.

9:35 p.m. Oh Drew. Oh Justin Long. Oh Drew. She looks perfect. Lange: To "HBO past and present… Mothers and daughters…"

9:36 p.m. Ads… Man, I NEVER watch this channel. Hello America.

9:43 p.m. OHMYGAAWGG I am loving on some smart Kiefer. Those specs are to die. DIE! Michael Sucsy is Brolic. Sensitive thugs, all need hugs.

9:45 p.m. Wow some of us are REALLY into Little Dorritt. I am emo for these ladies they're all in shantung but that's OK they're foreign. Holy crap, I see WEDGES on the stage. Oh honey, no.

9:47 p.m. MotherloverYouTwitFaceJoaquinLettermanAIGPitchforkHUGEJACKMAN!!! Best montage yet.

9:50 p.m. Johnny Galecki, a polysyllabic gay, and some drunk lady.

9:52 p.m. Bruce Gowers. Bohemian Rhapsody video. American Idol. A VELVET SUIT.

9:55 p.m. Daily Show writers. Shana Tova!

9:57 p.m. And also congrats Wyatt Cenac!

10:07 p.m. Love Colbert did not love his Christmas special.

10:11 p.m. Hugh Jackman. Great singer. Terrible addition to the X-Men franchise. Man, that movie was a hot mess. Who is the silent dishy dude in the left corner during the Academy Awards musical number acceptance speech? Not ugly. Entirely television friendly. SERIOUSLY who WAS THAT GUY??

10:13 p.m. Gervais. Loving his suit. LOVE the angle of the pocket. Love the color. "Syndication? YES! Take another look, audit." That was dynamite. So good. "Pissed off two networks in one minute." I love how much he does not care. Jon Stewart plus an election? I mean…

10:18 p.m. I gotta say I don't know how I feel about the genre segregation. House. Divided. Ooooooh snap! Speaking of which… HUGE LAURIE. PLEEEEASE GOD LET HIM WIN I WON'T BOTHER YOU AGAIN tonight… Let Hugh Laurie speak. Please. So great.

10:22 p.m. I'm OK with Michael Emerson even with Slattery. "One day I flew to Hawaii for a guest spot…" Pass the poi, mahalo. Wow. He just went native. Great suit though.

10:24 p.m. Cherry Jones. Ruby fruit. Hot, age appropriate lesbian dress action.

10:26 p.m. And then Sarah McGlaughlin. Dominick Dunn totally gave Kiefer his glasses. Ron Silver DIED?!! Oh Bea. Oh Paul. Oh MJ. Oh Swayze. Exactly. You have to end with Cronkite. Doo bee daa budaa bada.

10:36 p.m. Sarah is toooootally smiling with her eyes. Now is not a time to smize. Show some respect.

10:40 p.m. I love how this category was all about who Matthew Weiner would win with.

10:43 p.m. GLENN CLOSE WON. Hot damn, Elisabeth Moss looks beautiful this evening. I shouldn't have skipped the pre-show. Who was she wearing? Oh, right Glenn won. I must be missing out on DAMAGES. All of my tv dork friends were right. Laaaame. Whoops it was like Glenn was having a tiny baby seizure just then. Mixed feelings about the cut-outs in the back. IDK.

10:48 p.m. Breaking Bad. "Cindafella" THIS is why Huge Laurie should've won. He'd have sung for us. And danced. I knoooow, Breaking Bad is a good show blablablalbla.

10:53 p.m. Oh Newhart. You're like watching Jello set.

10:54 p.m. OK that was mean. He's a legend. He's good for morale. GO morale! Man, 2009 was tough.

10:55 p.m. 30 Rock. Got 22 noms. "Thank you for keeping us on the air even though we're more expensive than a talk show." Gang-WAIT FOR IT-sta.

11:02 p.m. Sigourney maybe wears the same dress in satin in different colors EVERY YEAR. She's so Ellen Barkin with that one L'Wren Scott jam. LET HAMM HAM. Please!!! January Jones is giving me Jennifer Connelly in "good witch" flavor and I DO NOT LIKE IT. Break me off some HAMM. GAWD.

*Curtsy*

Gonna go eat cookies.