Chris Brown On Larry King: What You May Have Missed

That tie bitesLast night singer Chris Brown-who recently received five years of probation after entering a guilty plea for assaulting his girlfriend Rihanna-appeared on “Larry King Live” in an attempt to rehabilitate his image and perhaps explain what caused such reprehensible acts. As someone who does not believe that domestic violence is any more glamorous or noteworthy when it is perpetrated by or on celebrities, I have only a cursory awareness of the story, and did not tune in. But Awl Director of Business Development/SEO Coordinator David Cho has been following the case since it began, and was eager to explain it to me. If you’re also curious as to what transpired, read on.

Balk: So, David, I understand there was something on Larry King last night that everyone is talking about.

David Cho: Indeed. Pop/R&B sensation Chris Brown was interviewed, alongside his mother Joyce Hawkins and attorney Mark Geragos.

Balk: Was this interview about a new album?

David Cho: Partly! (Seriously.) But mostly it was about Chris Brown telling Larry King that he would not talk about the specifics of what happened the night he physically abused Rihanna.

David Cho: But don’t worry Balk, CB is working on new music and an album tentatively titled Grafitti!

Balk: How fascinating. Presumably he thought the title “Music To Beat Women By” was a little too much?

Balk: So tell me, what did Chris Brown say about the whole incident?

David Cho: He really didn’t say much about it at all, he and his attorney both wanted to show as much respect to Rihanna as possible by not discussing the actual events in question. We learned a little about what happened before and afterwards, but nothing about the actual altercation.

David Cho: He also addressed BLOGGERS like yourself who had been rumor mongering and HATING on him.

David Cho: You should really stop doing both of those things.

Balk: Done.

David Cho: Sidebar: The tag #chrisbrownsbowtie is still a trending topic on Twitter 12+ hours later

Balk: Ah, yes, the very important issues: What was he wearing? Let’s not worry so much about the savage beating aspect.

David Cho: He was a wearing a turquoise crew neck sweater over a crisp white dress shirt and a matching turquoise bowtie!

David Cho: Our good friend Mary HK Choi said it looked “shady

Balk: That is sad. Mary knows her fashion. To me, it seems that a man who wears a bowtie would be incapable of monstrous violence against women, no?

David Cho: That’s some foolproof logic.

Balk: I mean, you never saw Paul Simon slapping women around.

David Cho: Who?

Balk: He was a Senator from Illinois about a thousand years before you were born.

David Cho: The main takeaways from the interview were these:

David Cho: 1) Chris Brown beat Rihanna and told his mom about it as soon as it happened. He still loves Rihanna, and is even in love with her, but is now longer allowed to communicate with her at all. He at one point compared their situation to Romeo and Juliet

Balk: Ah, Shakespeare. The go-to artist when one needs to justify domestic violence.

David Cho: 2) Larry King doesn’t know how to pronounce Rihanna, he literally never said it the same way twice.

David Cho: 3) Chris Brown’s attorney now considers him to be “like a son or a nephew”

David Cho: Also, Chris Brown wants you to know that this was COMPLETELY out of character

David Cho: and he normally doesn’t beat women/pop stars.

Balk: What about the biting? Was that also a new thing for him, or had he done that before?