Thursday, September 3rd, 2009

Chris Brown On Larry King: What You May Have Missed

That tie bitesLast night singer Chris Brown-who recently received five years of probation after entering a guilty plea for assaulting his girlfriend Rihanna-appeared on "Larry King Live" in an attempt to rehabilitate his image and perhaps explain what caused such reprehensible acts. As someone who does not believe that domestic violence is any more glamorous or noteworthy when it is perpetrated by or on celebrities, I have only a cursory awareness of the story, and did not tune in. But Awl Director of Business Development/SEO Coordinator David Cho has been following the case since it began, and was eager to explain it to me. If you're also curious as to what transpired, read on.

Balk: So, David, I understand there was something on Larry King last night that everyone is talking about.

David Cho: Indeed. Pop/R&B sensation Chris Brown was interviewed, alongside his mother Joyce Hawkins and attorney Mark Geragos.

Balk: Was this interview about a new album?

David Cho: Partly! (Seriously.) But mostly it was about Chris Brown telling Larry King that he would not talk about the specifics of what happened the night he physically abused Rihanna.

David Cho: But don't worry Balk, CB is working on new music and an album tentatively titled Grafitti!

Balk: How fascinating. Presumably he thought the title "Music To Beat Women By" was a little too much?

Balk: So tell me, what did Chris Brown say about the whole incident?

David Cho: He really didn't say much about it at all, he and his attorney both wanted to show as much respect to Rihanna as possible by not discussing the actual events in question. We learned a little about what happened before and afterwards, but nothing about the actual altercation.

David Cho: He also addressed BLOGGERS like yourself who had been rumor mongering and HATING on him.

David Cho: You should really stop doing both of those things.

Balk: Done.

David Cho: Sidebar: The tag #chrisbrownsbowtie is still a trending topic on Twitter 12+ hours later

Balk: Ah, yes, the very important issues: What was he wearing? Let's not worry so much about the savage beating aspect.

David Cho: He was a wearing a turquoise crew neck sweater over a crisp white dress shirt and a matching turquoise bowtie!

David Cho: Our good friend Mary HK Choi said it looked "shady"

Balk: That is sad. Mary knows her fashion. To me, it seems that a man who wears a bowtie would be incapable of monstrous violence against women, no?

David Cho: That's some foolproof logic.

Balk: I mean, you never saw Paul Simon slapping women around.

David Cho: Who?

Balk: He was a Senator from Illinois about a thousand years before you were born.

David Cho: The main takeaways from the interview were these:

David Cho: 1) Chris Brown beat Rihanna and told his mom about it as soon as it happened. He still loves Rihanna, and is even in love with her, but is now longer allowed to communicate with her at all. He at one point compared their situation to Romeo and Juliet

Balk: Ah, Shakespeare. The go-to artist when one needs to justify domestic violence.

David Cho: 2) Larry King doesn't know how to pronounce Rihanna, he literally never said it the same way twice.

David Cho: 3) Chris Brown's attorney now considers him to be "like a son or a nephew"

David Cho: Also, Chris Brown wants you to know that this was COMPLETELY out of character

David Cho: and he normally doesn't beat women/pop stars.

Balk: What about the biting? Was that also a new thing for him, or had he done that before?

10 Comments / Post A Comment

Matt (#26)

Needs moar #chrisbrownsbowtie tag.

KarenUhOh (#19)

1. Mark Garagos must have a cot in Larry King's studio; and a dragging trunkload of "just like my son[s]" in his Range Rover.

2. The only thing CB's Mom should be charged with is picking that color for him to wear to Sunday School.

That is his mom's form of domestic abuse. Making him wear his going-to-church clothes on Larry King.

Chris Brown is a disgrace to Paul Simon and the rest of the world's bow tie wearers.

Fortunately, Paul Simon still has his own emoticon and Chris Brown does not.

Chats with Cho! <3

Rw (#1,458)

Chris Brown is not a Monster he's a pussy, and he needs to find a way to secure his livelihood, that's why his mother was there. Just think, all that money she spent on those ballet lessons and singing classes, all the time she spent at shitty school and church musicals and "talent" shows.

CB " but mooooom, I don't wanna go on Larry King He's gonna embarrass me" Mrs. Brown " oh no! you're gonna take your going on that man's show and I'll make sure of it because I'm going on there with you"
CB " What No! I'm a grown man MA. My friends will think I'm soft"
Mrs. Brown "How tough did your friends think you were when they found out you were beating your girlfriend?"
CB "…"
Mrs. Brown " Yeah, that's what I thought, Now take your ass upstairs and put on that outfit I bought you for the Family reunion, Mr. Garagos will be here in 15 min."

Abe Sauer (#148)

"If the word that most often precedes your name is "disgraced" or "indicted," it's time for an audience with the King. Larry knows you are decent person. He'll give you the chance to make up your side of the story, And it's easy to cry on the show because King smells like onions."

Patrick M (#404)

"The Shallow Editors"

David Cho (#3)

I was thinking something more along the lines of: "The Shadow Editors Jr."

EmmyLee (#1,492)

and we have to point out brown's wonderful interview skills.

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