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Tuesday, September 1, 2009

9

Cancer Hates Lonely People

skull-and-crossbonesA study published by the Indiana University School of Medicine found that people separated from their spouses have the lowest life expectancy of all cancer patients. "Sixty-five percent of married patients survived at least five years after a cancer diagnosis, compared with 57 percent of those who had never been married, 52 percent of the divorced patients and 47 percent of widowed patients. But only 45 percent of patients who were separated at the time of diagnosis survived five years." Thus, it can be concluded that cancer hates people in an order: separated, singles, the divorced, and then the widowed. Which makes sense, because this is the order in which healthy people feel bad for cancer people, with people feeling worst for rumpled widowers with young sons to the point where we can't even look at them. A companion study however, should be conducted to find the affects on life expectancy of carcinogenic persons' partners, as it could very well be that the cancer is battling and zapping the life power juice of healthy spousal tissue. A companion to the companion study should be conducted to find out if by this original (and since totally bastardized) immunological logic, twins unknowingly separated at birth where one twin is just diagnosed with cancer as the other dies of cancer, has the lowest life expectancy of them all.

9 Comments / Post A Comment

TableNine
TableNine (#1,104)

Here's the thing I don't understand about twins being separated at birth: Don't you end up with two very confused mothers? One thinks "Hey, didn't I just pop two of these out?" and the other thinks, "When did I get pregnant?" Seems pretty imporbably for such a common occurrence. Take that, all of Shakespeare's comedies!

Also, boo cancer.

TableNine
TableNine (#1,104)

*improbable, even. Take that, spelling!

Mary HK Choi
Mary HK Choi (#39)

I think things are so dicey (stop having boring TUNA) in the belows at the time that you're like oh, well, right episiotomy blalbalba afterbirth second baby whatevs. Because this person lives in the mountain cave with no sonograms or ability to hear both heart beats. The other mother is just a crook and a thief. Is what had happened. But all tolled, cancer's the real winner here.

valet of the dolls

I hope "all tolled" was on purpose because it's awesome.

DorothyMantooth

I would like to stop having a boring LIFE by having more of your food write ups all up in here, Mary. What happened to those? I liked them.

HiredGoons
HiredGoons (#603)

*lights ciggy

Mary HK Choi
Mary HK Choi (#39)

*fucks married guy with cancer wife, then light ciggy

forget it i quit

So...tis better to have never loved than to have loved and lost.

formerly it takes a lot etc.

Sure, the married ones live longer, BUT WHO IS HAPPIER DURING THOSE ADDITIONAL YEARS?

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