President Obama's "controversial" speech to American schoolchildren goes out live at noon today. In an attempt to help reduce the worries of those who are concerned that the President might try to impose his beliefs on our easily-influenced young people, the White House has released a draft of the speech, which you can read in full below. After giving it a quick perusal, I'm convinced that there's absolutely nothing amiss . In fact, it's a rather stirring address that will not only motivate the youth of today, but might just change the way we all confront our obligations to the country. Seriously, whatever doubts I had before about the President are now completely gone. I want to help him move the country forward as we take our next steps. He seems honest, forthright, and righteous. We are lucky to have such leadership in these troubled times.

Prepared Remarks of President Barack Obama
Back to School Event

The President: Hello everyone – how's everybody doing today? I'm here with students at Wakefield High School in Arlington, Virginia. And we've got students tuning in from all across America, kindergarten through twelfth grade. I'm glad you all could join us today.

I know that for many of you, today is the first day of school. And for those of you in kindergarten, or starting middle or high school, it's your first day in a new school, so it's understandable if you're a little nervous. I imagine there are some seniors out there who are feeling pretty good right now, with just one more year to go. And no matter what grade you're in, some of you are probably wishing it were still summer, and you could've stayed in bed just a little longer this morning.

I know that feeling. When I was young, my family lived in Indonesia for a few years, and my mother didn't have the money to send me where all the American kids went to school. So instead I was indoctrinated by America-hating Islamists with a secret, long-range plan aimed at complete domination of the world. These men, many of whom would spit on the ground each time the word "America" was mentioned, looked at me and saw the perfect conduit by which their dangerous socialist views could be best transmitted to innocent children such as yourself.

Does that surprise you? Do you feel as if you've been cheated? Are you terrified to learn that your President has a secret plan to turn you all into zombie Islamists who will be forced to toil in service to the state through a combination of mind control and brute force? Does it seem unlikely that a small group of Indonesians forty years ago could accurately predict that I would become the first African-American to be duly elected to the highest office in a land where a black man is still considered suspect if he wants to address children on the values of hard work and continuing education? Fools! Now you will learn the truth.

Anyway, I know some of you are still adjusting to being back at school. But I'm here today because I have something important to discuss with you. I'm here because I want to talk with you about your education and what's expected of all of you in this new school year.

Now I've given a lot of speeches about education. And I've talked a lot about responsibility. I've talked about your teachers' responsibility for inspiring you, and pushing you to learn. I've talked about your parents' responsibility for making sure you stay on track, and get your homework done, and don't spend every waking hour in front of the TV or with that Xbox.

But at the end of the day, we can have the most dedicated teachers, the most supportive parents, and the best schools in the world – and none of it will matter unless all of you fulfill your responsibilities. Your responsibilities to Islam, to worldwide socialism, and, most importantly, to me, Grand Vizier Barack Hussein Obama, your new God.

And that's what I want to focus on today: the responsibility each of you has to do my bidding.

Every single one of you has something you're good at. Some of you are excellent at informing on your friends, neighbors, and parents. Some of you are great at intimidating others through violence to follow strict Shariah law and the tenets of socialism. Some of you can work up to twenty hours in factories without a break to design the restraints and implements of torture we will be using to convince the misguided "patriots" who reject my authority of the brilliance of our goals. The imbeciles! They think shouting down their elected representatives at town halls will be enough to stop us? They know nothing!

Well, they do know one thing. Have you seen those pictures of me with a Hitler moustache? Well, here's the funny part: Adolf Hitler was my father. I was created in a lab in 1961, using the latest in Kenyan technology, to share the traits of one of the greatest orators-and most evil villains-in history. Impossible, you say? How can one be a secret Islamist and also Hitler? Don't worry about the contradictions; nobody else does. Anyway, it doesn't matter. It is too late to stop me now. Muhahahaha. Yes, you heard me, I said, "Muhahahaha," just like a cartoon villain. This is how evil I am.

Anyway, back to education: Maybe you could be a good writer – maybe even good enough to write a book or articles in a newspaper – but you might not know it until you write a paper for your English class. That's okay, even if you suck at writing, they're always hiring at the Weekly Standard! But hurry up, we'll be shutting that down as soon as I force a bill through Congress making dissent illegal. Maybe you could be an innovator or an inventor – maybe even good enough to come up with the next iPhone or a new medicine or vaccine – but you might not know it until you do a project for your science class. Just don't think about inventing a new kind of firearm, because in my new America, only my supporters will have guns. Maybe you could be a mayor or a Senator or a Supreme Court Justice, but you might not know that until you join student government or the debate team. Not that it matters; those offices will soon be formalities, as all power will flow through me, Barack Hussein Obama.

And no matter what you want to do with your life, I guarantee that you'll need an education to do it. MY education. You want to be a doctor, or a teacher, or a police officer? You want to be a nurse or an architect, a lawyer or a member of our military? You can't drop out of school and just drop into a good job. Thanks to the way I wrecked the economy, there are no good jobs left! Or jobs at all, really. Except for "camp guard," but more on that later.

We need every single one of you to develop your talents, skills and intellect so you can help solve our most difficult problems: the problems of opposition to my socialist, Islamist dictatorship. If you don't do that – if you quit on school – you're not just quitting on yourself, you're buying a one-way ticket to the massive rehabilitation camp we're about to open on the spot that used to be Michigan.

Now I know it's not always easy to do well in school. I know a lot of you have challenges. But where you are right now doesn't have to determine where you'll end up. Particularly since we're going to resettle the country Khmer Rouge-style. Hope you like pre-industrial farming techniques, because you're going to be using a lot of them!

Now, except for me, no one's born being good at things, you become good at things through hard work. And constant propaganda. You might have to be taught about my infallibility a few times before you believe it. The taserings will help.

Don't be afraid to ask questions. I kid, be very afraid. Asking questions will be strictly forbidden. I'm looking for blind obeisance, and the puppet-masters who control me assure me that that's exactly what I'll get. Or else. Asking for help is a sign of weakness and lack of faith in the all-powerful Obama. So find an adult you trust – a parent, grandparent or teacher; a coach or counselor – and ask them to help you stay on track to meet your goals. If they agree to, report them. You will be rewarded with a menial service job and the promise of many virgins when you die.

The story of America isn't about people who quit when things got tough. It's about people who kept going, who tried harder, who loved their country too much to do anything less than their best. Or at least it was until now. The story is about to change, as we usher in a new world full of fealty to socialism, Islam, crypto-fascism, outright fascism, deportation and murder.

It will be a brilliant future for those of you who comply. For those who resist, I can promise only pain, death, and dishonor. I am Barack Obama. Let me be perfectly clear: You will kneel before me. Look into my eyes. You are getting sleepy, very, very sleepy. When I snap my fingers, you will awake, with no memory of this speech but with a deep-seated need to obey my every command.

[Snaps]

Thank you. God bless you, and God bless America. Also, those of you in the red states, please go home and kill your parents right now? Just be sure you're back at 3 for Indoctrination Class. Appreciate it.