Wednesday, September 9th, 2009

A Sports Column Unlike Any Other

Is this "art"?I have never heard of Mark Whicker. A quick search reveals nothing unusual, nothing that would indicate this to be some sort of clever prank at the expense of sports columnists or our culture at large. There is, of course, the small possibility that it is some kind of prank I am just not getting-it happens!-but in either case, it is one of the most bizarre things I've seen in some time. Not yet convinced? Here's how it opens.

It doesn't sound as if Jaycee Dugard got to see a sports page.

Box scores were not available to her from June 10, 1991 until Aug. 31 of this year.

She never saw a highlight. Never got to the ballpark for Beach Towel Night. Probably hasn't high-fived in a while.

She was not allowed to spike a volleyball. Or pitch a softball. Or smack a forehand down the line. Or run in a 5-footer for double bogey.

Now, that's deprivation.

Oh yes, there is more.

33 Comments / Post A Comment

katiebakes (#32)

OH MY GOD THAT KICKER !??!?!?!!!!?!?!!!adfsadfsdajflk

NicFit (#616)

The closing sentence is so sweet, though: "Congratulations, Jaycee. You left the yard."

brianvan (#149)

The Longest Yard

Dr. Spaceman (#1,211)

She's one of Bart's People.

IBentMyWookie (#133)

If I was one of those people who did the "+1" thing, this is where I would do it.

johnpseudonym (#1,452)

The Cubs still haven't won the Series. She hasn't missed much.

keisertroll (#1,117)

"Miss Anna Lee Suggs hasn't seen her beloved Chicago Cubs play in over thirty years. But a very special person unburied her, stole her jewelry and tried to defile her rotten corpse before local authorities arrested her senile widower."

Abe Sauer (#148)

If this columnist was from the Suffolk Register and Dugard was found in Quincy, I would understand… I mean missing all those Pahtriat super bowls… thaw saaax world series… but orange county?! Dude.

Bittersweet (#765)

Wish there was a 'Like' button for this comment…it's wicked ah-some.

Kataphraktos (#226)

There's enough in that article to justify a search warrant of Mr. Whicker's basement, backyard, and the darkest reaches of his colon.

Yes, she sure missed a lot of sporting events while she was getting raped repeatedly, and giving birth to her rapists' children.

But who knows, maybe she gleaned some sports updates from the men who gang raped her at the drug and alcohol fueled parties that her captor/rapist hosted.

This is so hilarious hilarious that I hope that other writers for the paper will follow suit.

The paper's movie reviewer can write about the teenage sex and horror movies she missed. Oh that's right, she wouldn't have been able to see half of them anyway since the rapes started when she was just 11 years old.

And the business reporter can update her on the stock market ups and downs that she would have missed out on when she was giving birth to her rapist's children in a backyard tent with no assistance when she was just 14 and 17 years old.

Ha ha ha ha. Isn't this kind of observational humor funny?

The fact that someone made a joke out of what happened to Jaycee Dugard makes me feel so disgusted that I've decided to change my user name.

While the 'show me on the doll' scene in "It's Always sunny in Philadelphia" is still hilarious to me, I can't stomach the idea of making fun of this in real life.

So say goodbye (and good riddance as well) to SMOTD.

Tulletilsynet (#333)

I think I've already read that business feature.

"If your little girl had been held prisoner by a psychopath for 18 years and released today, which investment strategy would have turned her lost youth into a golden growth opportunity?"

If it hasn't been written on paper, it's been blogged by some day trader — who didn't think it was anything other than the reasonable and obvious question to ask. I'm going to start googling for it now.

Well, he's certainly no Lupica.

cherrispryte (#444)

This is my problem with sports: People like this think they're actually important.

mugczar (#1,564)

I'm with you on this. If the factors he mentions in his lede are equal with deprivation, than I am just as 'deprived' as Ms. Dugard was during her captivity. However, I feel that the opposite is actually true.

Abe Sauer (#148)

Granted, this nincompoop is offering a bad example. But hey now. Sports ARE really important. I don't have the space to go into all of it here but sports offer us, at their best, a view of human physical ability in an area that is the balance to human intellectual ability. And unlike, say, whether New Yorker fiction is good or not, or whether facebook/iphone make our lives better, sports offer mathematical certainties. Not to mention, despite what a lot of protester hippie types would like to think about the importance of their roles, sports and athletes have driven American social progression in the 20th century more than almost any other intellectual/legal/civil area.

Tulletilsynet (#333)

Important, Abe? Depends on which sport, wouldn't you say?

US football is important, no question about it. It is probably the most important reservoir of authoritarian brutality in our whole society (even more so than military institutions, because football is still important in families whose sons never go to boot camp). All that finely regulated bullying, the hero glorification, the wolfpack cruelty … When they come for you, the fist that bangs on your door is going to be that of a team player.

Abe Sauer (#148)

Well, since I played football, when they "come for" me I'll probably be Ok. The controlled brutality is part of the game. So, that's hard to argue with. But honestly, it's just a physical manifestation of all our social systems, from high school on. And hero glorification? Turue. But our society always has and always will have that. The difference is that on the football field the glorified have to earn it. It cannot be had through birth or means ($). And team players can do reprehensible in their actions. But they are also supremely necessary As much as we'd all like to think it would be a great world if we were all self-absorbed Cool Hand Lukes or artists, it wouldn't. We need teams. Teams, with the never glorified but willing to do their jobs parts (Like linemen, or transmission assembly line workers) are necessary.

Abe I feel about fashion, interior design, and movies the way most men feel about sports, and it breaks my heart she may know nothing about Marc Jacobs, Mid Century Modern and Harry Potter I-VI.

Tulletilsynet (#333)

Abe: Oh yeah? What position?

Abe Sauer (#148)

Tight end / guard

cherrispryte (#444)

Your point on social progress is a good one, but aside from that, no.

There is entirely too large a segment of the population that can tell you exactly how their home team's doing in the playoffs, but can't find Iraq on a map – and they have no problem with this. Entirely too often, people know and talk about sports as if their lives depended on the outcome of a game on which they have no influence on. I have no problem with actually playing sports – it's fun, a good workout, builds teamwork skills, all that good shit. But the American obsession with college/professional sports has become the wool too many people pull over their eyes. I mean, what is this article saying, other than "holy shit this woman was kidnapped and raped and lord knows what else but that's too sad and serious for this column so here are some baseball stats!" Sports scores don't matter in the face of such a tragedy, and thinking that they possibly could elevates them to an unearned importance.

Abe Sauer (#148)

well, it seems then what upsets you is human nature, not just sports stuff. (trust me, I'm with you on this one). sure, the Steelers season trumps knowing about world events and cultures, but for so many so does the new iPod and the latest Gucci line and the latest Corvette or BMW models. One reason people talk bout sports in the manner you say, speaking from experience here: sports are one of the least full of manipulative bullshit areas of life. Teams (or individuals) on a field/court/etc hack it out against one another with, usually, the better player that day winning. It's highly transparent (we know abilities, who's injured, what everyone's getting paid), unlike, say, education, politics, the economy, health care, etc forever. A normal person with a normal level of intelligence can feel to have a very string grasp on the mechanics of sports. This isn;t true with, say, politics where the guy I voted for to replace the last corrupt asshole, is also corrupt and, now I learn, too late, that he's on the payroll of so and so lobbyist. yes, It's a wool over the eyes. But if it were pulled up, how would the average person hope to get a handle on anything "important?" Again, this article is clearly a nutjob and I think if you look at the pages and pages and pages of comments, sports fans all agree this guy should be fired (one asked him to shoot himself). I don;t think I ever was saying sports are so important that this columns needs to exist.

As for not knowing where Iraq is. When I lived in NY, I actually had SEVERAL educated friends who could find Iraq on a map but not Wisconsin or Minneapolis…. so… you know…

KarenUhOh (#19)

She can, however, perform a letter-perfect imitation of Dick Vitale.

the_planner (#1,563)

It got worse. With that open, I cannot believe it was possible for it to get worse, and yet, it did with the last sentence.

KarenUhOh (#19)

Jeez, guy. Two hockey references and you passed up a chance to throw in something about spending the entire first period in the penalty box?

Abe Sauer (#148)


Tulletilsynet (#333)

I've never understood why you guys don't make KarenUhOh comment on the posts before they go up.

Oh I KNOW. Unfortunately she has a job already. (SOMEHOW. WHEN?)

ToWi (#1,057)

was this supposed to be a funny about something else that was not funny?

etsryan (#1,501)

i didn't take it as the awful thing most commenters seem to have. the last line i thought was more about being glad she is finally free actually and I hadn't heard about a home run being called out of the yard before…i'm a sports fan, but obviously maybe not enough of one. How many other females are in captivity at this very moment enduring similar or worse… remember the girl/woman in austria who was found not so long ago? what is the matter with some people/men to feel they have to imprison someone to feel satisfied? give me a break.

i am giving this columnist one.

Risen Lord Jesus' Peace!
e.t./sue > *:D (: +

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