What Does Warren Buffett Want?

WARREN BUFFETT NEXT YEARWho read Warren Buffett’s homework assignment to the U.S. today, in the Times? Because I am suspicious, I always think: “How does publication of this benefit the world’s best investor?” Let us translate what he is saying.

1. A huge streaming fountain of our money was poured into American business, by which we mean “Wall Street,” thereby preventing America from failing. (This is a pretty serious distortion of events, to me, but not necessarily entirely untrue. I mean, I do think New York City would be a shit show if Wall Street was now called Bum Alley! But also, there ain’t much fiscal relationship between the lives of the rich and the poor, so, I’m not sure many of us would notice if there were no Goldman Sachs!)

2. A “deficit” means you are “spending” more money than you are “receiving.” So when we talk about the U.S. deficit, we are talking about how it is like when you spent more than your paycheck.

3. If all of America cumulatively put $500 billion in the banks that belong to this great country, which they will not, because how then do you have a flat screen TV, then the U.S. Treasury would have put in nearly double that amount itself to manage its debt.

4. No politician will ever consent to raising taxes or spending less!

5. Because mammals like denial, politicians can get away with sending us further into debt.

6. And so Congress is going to fuck us into the ground because they are spending 185% of our income, and no one cares, and everyone is busy yelling about why none of us should have health care.

So what does Warren Buffet want? Easy. He doesn’t want all his majestic currency to have to be crammed into a wheelbarrow every time he goes to the 7-Eleven for a Slurpee.