'Time' Frees Us From The Burden Of Working Out
I take back everything I've ever said about Time. While I may, in the past, have castigated the magazine as an out-of-touch rehash of events that are already old news by the time the book is published, or chastised it as a dispenser of conventional wisdom for those who liked their news pre-chewed, I was deeply wrong. I'm not too big a man to admit that. Time magazine, is, in fact, the most authoritative source for information—particularly regarding health and fitness—that we have in the nation, and perhaps the world.
Unrelatedly, the current issue proves beyond the shadow of a doubt that exercise will not make you thin, so there's no point in doing it. And if Time says it, that's all I need. I will never exercise again. (Or I will continue to not exercise, but now I don't have to feel bad about it.) There's also something in there about eating right, but I'm sure that's just a boilerplate disclaimer that means nothing. No, the real takeaway here is "stay out of the gym." Thank you, Time, that's exactly what I'm going to do.
Time + WedMD = Universal Healthcare
You know, Balk, your own website has the answers. The ad running here says you can cut down your weight "in 3 lbs every week" (does this mean you'd only have 60 weeks to live?)"by keeping this one weird secret." Then there's an arrow, pointing to where you should click.
So I clicked, and I don't remember it all, because there were all these words flashing and lights popping and this perky girl with a headset named "Brooke" appeared to tell me to CALL NOW, but it said something else, about being "blown away" if you kept on clicking, which apparently has something to do with weight loss, although I'm predicting it's wallet weight.
Anyway, Balk, the "blown away" and "Brooke" part might be possible clues to fitness.
And Brooke looks kind of like Kristen Davis, right? She always does.
Mmm…woman stretching over doughnut
Starvation-dieting it is! Pass the Goop(TM), please.
But we're still cool with bedroom workouts, right?
Steroids still count as "diet", right?
Is that lady on the cover running on the treadmill in her wedding dress?
That's what I thought, and the whole thing, bride + treadmill + cupcake (+ that headline!), was way too much for me at this hour
Two scientists from LSU, huh? Where does Louisiana rank on the obesity index, again? Yeah, that's what I thought. Home-state pride! Geaux Tigers!
No, exercise will not make you thin. Not as long as Americans (and now, sad to say, Europeans as well) eat by the trough, and use the car to go down the block to buy cheese nachos to watch videos at home. Exercise WILL however, help build bone mass (my 100% Irish DNA
= osteoporosis), lower your blood pressure, at least tone up that flab so you don't deafen yourself as your fat flaps like wet sheets in a high wind, and burns off hangovers. Sorry to be hypersensitive, but I've already buried one sibling who never considered the fact that fat, high blood pressure, inactivity and avoiding doctors could result in an aneurysm. I've now got another in the hospital who's survived a minor stroke but is having trouble getting the message that he and garlic potato chips are due for a divorce, and that the word "TAXI!" is out of his lexicon.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to put on my hiking boots and trudge two blocks to buy more white wine and cigarettes.
No, Balk, you were right about Time the first time:
http://nymag.com/news/sports/38001/
And they stole from the New Yorker, no less!
I was going to say… How did I read this article months ago?