The Great Fat Freakout

OKAYI have been sitting on my stoop in the East Village this morning like an old Polish woman and I have counted exactly zero guys with pot bellies, even though this is the hot new trend, according to the elitist New York Times. Here is the thing: Manhattan is an incredibly trim place, on the most part. Last night I was walking by Gramercy Park and I was behind a large group of people who were clearly from out of town, and I could tell only because of two things: they were wearing amazingly cheap clothing and they were, well, a large group of people! That is a fine choice for them! I am not here to judge. For one thing, the food in America is terrible, horrible, disgusting “food” and really there is nothing for them to eat that is healthy. The problem is that we are kind of not allowed to even mention it. And so writer Cintra Wilson, who is well-known as a TOTALLY CRAZY person, is in big trouble now.

This week she wrote in the Times about JC Penney coming to Manhattan.

AND herein lies the genius of J. C. Penney: It has made a point of providing clothing for people of all sizes (a strategy, company officials have said, to snatch business from nearby Macy’s). To this end, it has the most obese mannequins I have ever seen. They probably need special insulin-based epoxy injections just to make their limbs stay on. It’s like a headless wax museum devoted entirely to the cast of “Roseanne.”

Hey now: both New and Old Beckies were STICK FIGURES. This is somewhat nicer?

No matter how many Grand Slam breakfasts you’ve knocked out of the park, Penney’s has a size for you. Ladies will find kicky little numbers that fit no matter how bountiful the good Lord made them.

She apologized. Twice. And deleted one apology. (The second (or third?) apology: “Because of my personal beliefs as a Buddhist, I very much regret that my JC Penney article in the Times caused any wounded feelings whatsoever, particularly to people who already feel they take more than their share of abuse from our very shallow and ridiculous society.” WEIRD. Buddhist what?) And unapologized at least once. (Which is the mark of, yes, a CRAZY PERSON.)

She is getting roasted in her own comments at her website: “You truly are a hack and your article makes you sound like a bitter little rich c*nt.”

OH AND: “If I had seen what you looked like before I called you a snob, I would have felt pity for you instead. I didn’t realize you were so ugly!!”

OH AND! “Maybe JC Penny will do you a kindness and design a Cintra hat for the fall season that helps eliminate the glare off your pasty face and that huge forehead.” OH IT GOES ON: “Boo you whore! I mean boo you classist whore!”

And uh… “NO ON E LIKES U. NOW GO EAT A PIZZA AND BARF IT OUT AGAIN BULIMIC HO!”

Oh okay: “And before you go insulting people go and get some surgery. you look like a man.”

And my fave: “I will never read the NYT is this is TRIPE they print and try to pass as journalism. I wrote to the editors and the president of NYT telling them the lack of integrity this has brought this paper down too.” Oh good, you’re never going to read the New York Times again? Good call. Drama queen!

Basically everyone is a nasty person. But guess what? Some of us are fat nasty people, and some of us are thin nasty people. Can’t we all get unified by our nastiness and ignore the meaningless question of size on the Internet, where no one knows what we look like, but knows just that we are really awful in general?

And can’t we get behind the idea that no one should have to shop at JC Penney, which is fucking disgusting?