Nicole Returns to New York City – 12 Days Late! – A Xanax? – What to Expect? – This is Not a Movie – Preparing for the Moment of Truth

The full moon in August is called the Red Moon in India and it's infamous for bringing chaos and destruction. At least, that's what Celeste, Nicole's anusara yoga teacher, said at the beginning of class.

"I don't know about you, but this full moon is really shaking things up. This morning, I told my girlfriend that I was tired of going out to her place in Cherry Grove," Celeste said. "And then I felt so bad, I ate gluten for the first time in six months. But then I realized"-she opened her eyes really big and smiled beatifically-"that sometimes we need to shake things up before we can find our balance again. So let's keep that in mind during our practice this evening. Now let's close our eyes and please join me for three rounds of om."

Nicole chanted along halfheartedly, as she was preoccupied with another kind of moon cycle: her period was now twelve days late. In Portland, Rusty had offered to drive her to a Plaid Pantry to buy a home test, but she refused with the excuse that this was the kind of problem she needed to deal with at home.

At the airport, she was killing time before her flight at Powell's and saw a copy of What to Expect When You're Expecting and felt the lightheadedness and faux heart palpitations of an anxiety attack coming on. As she instinctively got out a bottle of Xanax from her bag, Nicole then realized that she might actually be pregnant and was in her thirties, so she might never get pregnant again, so there was the possibility she would keep the baby, and then couldn't take benzodiazepines for the next nine months, maybe longer if she was breast feeding. She wondered if What to Expect When You're Expecting had a chapter on how much Ambien you could take or scotch you could drink, realistically, while pregnant or nursing without doing irreparable damage to the baby. She guessed it probably didn't.

By the time she was seated on the plane, her eyes were so swollen from crying that her flight attendant asked, "Did you just say goodbye to somebody special, honey?" She drank a ginger ale and spent $5 to watch Obsessed.

Back in Brooklyn for the last two days, she had been fruitlessly trying to induce her period, drinking pennyroyal tea and, in a fit of magical thinking, wearing white pants with no underwear, daring it to come.

After yoga was over, Nicole met Darshan for drinks at Washington Commons. Darsh was sitting in the back garden by the time she arrived. "I got you a drink," she said.

"I don't know if I can drink, Darsh."

"Are you on antibiotics or something? Do you have a UTI? Oh my God-wait! Did you sleep with that guy you went to high school with?"

"No, Darsh, stop. Jay ended up sending me an email telling me how much he was into The Basic and I lied and told him I was getting back together with an ex," Nicole sighed.

"I love that excuse. I just used it on some guy I met on dharmaMatch who tried to get me to go to Burning Man with him."

Nicole cleared her throat. "So back to my not drinking." While telling her story, Nicole noticed for the first time that Darshan was a really active listener and would gasp or tilt her head and make sympathy noises. Nicole ended with a summary of the night before, in which she spent watching the adoption episode of 16 and Pregnant and rereading select passages from the book Cunt.

"Do I need to call Elias?" Nicole asked. "Because I'm pretty sure that's going to be an awkward conversation."

"Whoa, dude, slow down. You're not even officially pregnant yet."

"But what if I am?"

"Well, this friend of a friend of my aunt has this totally soignée gyno practice on Park Avenue and I hear she's the abortionist to all the socialites and private school girls," Darshan said. "Or we could just move to a commune and name your kid Saraswati and learn to love washing our hair with Dr. Bronner's."

Darsh put her arm around Nicole and led her out of the bar and down the street and right into Duane Reade's selection of pregnancy tests.

"Should we get a bunch?"

"No," Nicole said, rolling her eyes. "This isn't a movie. We aren't living Knocked Up."

"You kind of are," Darshan giggled. "I mean, Elias is great and all, but he doesn't exactly exhibit career direction."

"Career direction? How's that vegan food cart business going, Darsh?"

"Are those pregnancy hormones that are making you such a bitch?"

"I'm sorry, I'm-well, you know," Nicole said, and took a deep breath. "Let's go home and see if I'm pregnant."

Are you behind? Catch up!

Marisa Meltzer lives in Brooklyn. Her next book, "Girl Power," will be published by Farrar, Straus and Giroux in February.