Thursday, August 27th, 2009

Long Player With D. R. Adams: Gorf, The End Of The World, And The Legacy Of Danzig

Long Player, MOTHERFUCKERIt really feels like the end of the world. In science magazines there are articles about colonizing space and other planets but we won't ever do that. We're stuck on the hot rock full of water waiting for the inevitable asteroid. All you have to do is look at the moon-that fucking thing is covered in cosmic ACNE and those craters are made by things flying at 13 miles a second. Somebody get Bruce Willis on the phone. He can handle anything.

Possibly I feel this way because I am getting kind of old. I am slightly narcissistic/self-obsessed so the whole fucking universe needs to be in trouble to take the heat off my "I am now going to be old" shit. I am not saying it is happy times or the era of free weed but, you know, when you are in trouble it makes it a lot easier to handle when someone or something comes along all fubar and just in way more hot water than you. My only escape from all this madness is video games, "Moonlighting" episodes on DVD (see, I told you Bruce Willis makes it all better) and poets. So let's talk about video games.

Playing Gorf is like getting wasted, or what I remember about getting wasted: It's loud, it's confusing, there are a bunch of lights going off, people (robots) are shooting at you, you need pizza, etc., then it's game over. Of course you just play the thing again but as my pops once told me "You lose when you drop the quarter in." What an ass. He obviously never heard the whole "Don't hate the player, hate the game" thing, but then he never was much of a gangsta.

When I think about my fucked up past and I get all sentimental for the good old days when it was funny to go to the mall. For some reason when I play really classic games I also think about Danzig. Everything is always about Danzig eventually. Danzig, good lovin' and pizza. Oh God.

Danzig lives in my neighborhood, or that's what people tell me. He supposedly had a hole in his roof and ate a lot at House of Pies (basically, just pies on the menu) but I think people said that shit because it's Danzig and everyone is jealous of him because he has awesome supernatural powers.

Anyway, video games:

I still play console arcade games. It feels like a more complete experience. The consoles themselves are really beautiful. I love all those fantastic flashing lights, the panels, the artwork; It's like picking on somebody your own size.

Can you imagine if you were to walk into an arcade-there are still arcades, but they are BARcades because if you are from the 1980s you are pretty much a) drinking sometimes, b) a drunk, or c) trying to keep LSD flashbacks at bay (being myself "not drinking" this disqualifies me and a lot of other reluctant exercising one-time wasteoids)-can you fucking imagine if one day you went to the BARcade with, er, I dunno, Jimmy Numbchuncks's friend Nancy Bungglerope and you ran into Danzig going for a two player run with some or all the members of Whitesnake? That would be fucking awesome. David Coverdale apparently once got beat up by his wife, the woman who is grinding her pelvis into that Mazda 280-Z in the video for "Is this Love," so you can have him getting beaten up in your imagination right now if you like. [Ed. Note - Tawny Kitaen actually beat up then-husband Chuck Finley, a pitcher for the Cleveland Indians, but you can still pretend.] Whitesnake is the perfect theme music for most accidental firework injuries where I come from.

If people want to be jealous of Danzig, well, that is really just showing their immaturity because even if you are not into metal or gothic post punk stuff I mean, he made DANZIG, the self-titled wonderchild album of all eponymous albums and I bet you if Less Than Zero came out last week with some Gossip Women in there, people would be all over his soundtrack contribution. I couldn't even find that shit on iTunes. What a load of crap. Sweat nuts.

65 Comments / Post A Comment

ddgabes (#1,429)

awesome. where are my doritos!?!?!?

Um, wow? I'm stunned. You are a master of long-form bloggery, in addition to making tolerable modern guitar rock?

IBentMyWookie (#133)

Plus, Summer of '69 is a fucking awesome song.

harpster (#1,448)

you are a douche, wookie.

I remember GORF being an almost intimidating experience. That haunting robotic voice exhorting the perspective player to "Insert Coin!" was just too much.

I was a Defender man, myself.

zidaane (#373)

I too was a defender freak along with missile command and robotron. I observed this one missile command addict who apparently also liked meth, slowly turn to twig over a few months and eventually collapse while playing. We never saw him at that 7-11 again.

Friends don't let friends game and tweak, z.

propertius (#361)

Ha you think you're old? I remember playing Star Trek … on a teletype.

WindowSeat (#180)
propertius (#361)

Oh I must have an old oscilloscope lying around. It's probably sitting on the busted IBM card punch console.

WindowSeat (#180)

No doubt next to the paper tape, right?

propertius (#361)

Yes indeed. Know anyone who needs some?

Meeg (#309)

You lose when you drop the quarter in? Thats kind of like "the only way to win is not to play"

skybarn (#304)

Seriously though, what the hell is a winding wheel?

karion (#11)

I was a Robotron girl myself, but this is still kickass.

SuspendedBelief (#1,371)

Totally awesome! More, please.

En Vague (#82)

Sometimes, in my darkest hours, I wish Danzig would do another version of "Mother", and the thought of there being a "Mother 09" cheers me.

Like wine, it should have yearly vintages.

HiredGoons (#603)

"It's loud, it's confusing, there are a bunch of lights going off, people (robots) are shooting at you, you need pizza, etc.,"

This could easily describe my sex life.

Baboleen (#1,430)

It scares me to read that you are a "RELUCTANT" excercising one-time wasteiod!! AND you are a perpetually young soul. There is no room for reluctance in the great life you now have!!

theDRA (#1,108)

no need to worry, it read wrong because I am still learning to write, it should read "welcome to the jungleX totally stoked= self respecting one time wasteoid" In other words; "It'a AWLgpood" ruff

theDRA (#1,108)

* good sheesh- can't spell

Baboleen (#1,430)

Whew!!! From my perspective, as far as writing (and life) goes, everything is and will always be a "WORK IN PROGRESS."

"She rides. Let loose upon the world. She is the night. And my loneliness in bondage. She's black. And sin runds down her back …"

hazmathilda (#839)

This lifted my day out of the muck a little bit and I have not even played a video game ever!

Hobbesian (#255)

Needs more Mandy.

This was fabulous. And relatable! (I also own the Moonlighting DVDs.)

Also, Tawny Kitaen does her trademark car-writhing in the "Here I Go Again" video. But, you know, tomayto tomahto.

Hez (#147)

First you stalk me by interning at my day job at BlackBook, now you show up where I play hooky. STOP FOLLOWING ME, ADAMS. WE SHALL NEVER MARRY!

But let me know if you find out any good dirt about the famous Awl office Pile of Sweaters. It's wayyyy too quiet over there.

Please write more about videogames, including Rastan. We, who were born in the late 70s, salute you.

A request: a scathing review of the confusing, tempermental, but still, groundbreaking, Dragon's Lair.

If for no other reason than to address the porntastic name of the game's hero's, Dirk the Daring.

The 80's were a helluva decade.

rj77 (#210)

"Dragon's Lair" – the best part about going to Noble Romans, aside from watching them toss the dough.

TableNine (#1,104)

Dragon's Lair, like Jeopardy and cunnilingus, is all about timing. If you hit the button too early, you will be penalized by being temporarily locked out and may risk riding your horse straight into a stone wall.

If I only learned this lesson about Dragon's Lair (and cunnilingus) in the 80's. The 90's would have been so much easier for me.

NinetyNine (#98)

Sorry to be pedantic, but Galaga was the sequel to Galaxian.

Flashman (#418)

I always thought Galaxian was just the French-market version of Galaga.

Multimedia! Awesome!

The laugh track in the video clip is a nice touch.

ratsonparade (#1,433)

Dragon’s Lair was one of those games that made me jealous of the kids who had a Tandy 2000 that could handle all the super-duper animation. All we had was a lousy Radio Shack TRS-80 Color Computer — we were lucky just to play QIX. Oh, and it had a tape deck. Man, we were scraping by. Yep. Just barely.

Galaga is/was/always will be better.

HonoriaGlossop (#1,247)

I understand the apocalyptic malaise of which you speak – that same feeling resulted in my watching 1979's "Meteor" ALL THE WAY THROUGH last night on THIStv. It didn't help.

Can we please acknowledge the truest statement ever:

Danzig: "Everyone is jealous of him because he has awesome supernatural powers"

We need a Danzig tag.

And that Danzig tag would be ripped and abby!

Bittersweet (#765)

Also, House of Pies!

M.R.Roboto (#1,436)

You are a regular David Lightman playing a game of Global Thermonuclear War. But is it a game… or is it real?

M.R.Roboto (#1,436)

" worry about that kid. Sometimes, I think we're all going to get electrocuted.

M.R.Roboto (#1,436)

You are a regular David Lightman.

"I worry about that kid. Sometimes, I think we're all going to get electrocuted.

M.R.Roboto (#1,436)

Obviously I am having some problems.

krissy (#1,438)

Reading this makes me wish I was a gamer of any sort.

Being unacquainted with GORF, for a minute there I thought that your wife (and/or cute dog) was watching an episode of Good Times or Full House or something in the background with all the laughing. That is some serious ego-deflating heckling, and should probably be incorporated as some form of punishment for criminals and those mean kids in high school.

XdrewX (#1,441)

for years i've been told danzig lives right there by the house of pies.the house totally looks danzigish. danzigish sounds a lot cooler that glenish.

maebefunke (#154)

You're here and I am thrilled, Mr. A. The other day I was listening to lloR & kcoR and remembering how I used to make my dad listen to it on the drive home from Philly and he was so confused.

ryantate (#169)

Great post. I will note that the 280-Z was made by Datsun, not Mazda. But only because it feels so much more 80s just to say that word, "DATSUN."

SassyScarlett (#1,456)

Ryan, you are awesome.

Abe Sauer (#148)

Excellent. Though neither fruit bats nor bungee jumping are American; just sayin'.

Tulletilsynet (#333)

Idolatry is interactive now.

evilito (#1,270)

seriously, I couldnt get through the whole column. Dude is an idiot talking about nothing. This is what you mean by be less stupid?

Baboleen (#1,430)

Well then, I guess this audience won't be subjected to your evilito little comments ever again.

evilito (#1,270)

I guess not. except for this one.

theDRA (#1,108)


uhhhhhhh (#1,481)

i need to poop now

Bittersweet (#765)

Nice column, Mr. Adams, but it really was all about Tempest in my neck of the woods.

Although, now that I think about it, if I'd played that game much more I'd probably still be dealing with massive carpal tunnel.

mgmt. (#1,497)

dear ryan,

have you seen this?

you probably have but it's worth mentioning as it's pretty great.


EmmyLee (#1,492)

love this. love ryan. hurry and write more!

mperdue (#1,520)

Something new to do. I have missed the connection with you so!

BPugh (#1,525)

Love the fact that you are blogging here now. I am a little too young for GORF or Gravitar, but some of my clearest memories of the late eighties are playing Shinobi at Pizza Hut after Wed night church.

nogs27 (#1,528)

idono if i wanna throw you a shaka or call you a PAP but your delivery was bitchen.
danzig is way PAP, he got beat up at the mtv music awards by a faceshredder in Lef Depard, so i cut off my devillock, put small wheels on my skateboard, and started listening to the Queers while doing my paper route. with love.

StillOfTheNight (#2,021)

well, that all seems fair enough… If yu are into Danzig and Gorf, you really should look into the Jhonen Vasquez comic Johnny The Homicidal Maniac, if you haven't already…

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