Long Player With D. R. Adams: Gorf, The End Of The World, And The Legacy Of Danzig

Long Player, MOTHERFUCKERIt really feels like the end of the world. In science magazines there are articles about colonizing space and other planets but we won’t ever do that. We’re stuck on the hot rock full of water waiting for the inevitable asteroid. All you have to do is look at the moon-that fucking thing is covered in cosmic ACNE and those craters are made by things flying at 13 miles a second. Somebody get Bruce Willis on the phone. He can handle anything.

Possibly I feel this way because I am getting kind of old. I am slightly narcissistic/self-obsessed so the whole fucking universe needs to be in trouble to take the heat off my “I am now going to be old” shit. I am not saying it is happy times or the era of free weed but, you know, when you are in trouble it makes it a lot easier to handle when someone or something comes along all fubar and just in way more hot water than you. My only escape from all this madness is video games, “Moonlighting” episodes on DVD (see, I told you Bruce Willis makes it all better) and poets. So let’s talk about video games.

Playing Gorf is like getting wasted, or what I remember about getting wasted: It’s loud, it’s confusing, there are a bunch of lights going off, people (robots) are shooting at you, you need pizza, etc., then it’s game over. Of course you just play the thing again but as my pops once told me “You lose when you drop the quarter in.” What an ass. He obviously never heard the whole “Don’t hate the player, hate the game” thing, but then he never was much of a gangsta.

When I think about my fucked up past and I get all sentimental for the good old days when it was funny to go to the mall. For some reason when I play really classic games I also think about Danzig. Everything is always about Danzig eventually. Danzig, good lovin’ and pizza. Oh God.

Danzig lives in my neighborhood, or that’s what people tell me. He supposedly had a hole in his roof and ate a lot at House of Pies (basically, just pies on the menu) but I think people said that shit because it’s Danzig and everyone is jealous of him because he has awesome supernatural powers.

Anyway, video games:

I still play console arcade games. It feels like a more complete experience. The consoles themselves are really beautiful. I love all those fantastic flashing lights, the panels, the artwork; It’s like picking on somebody your own size.

Can you imagine if you were to walk into an arcade-there are still arcades, but they are BARcades because if you are from the 1980s you are pretty much a) drinking sometimes, b) a drunk, or c) trying to keep LSD flashbacks at bay (being myself “not drinking” this disqualifies me and a lot of other reluctant exercising one-time wasteoids)-can you fucking imagine if one day you went to the BARcade with, er, I dunno, Jimmy Numbchuncks’s friend Nancy Bungglerope and you ran into Danzig going for a two player run with some or all the members of Whitesnake? That would be fucking awesome. David Coverdale apparently once got beat up by his wife, the woman who is grinding her pelvis into that Mazda 280-Z in the video for “Is this Love,” so you can have him getting beaten up in your imagination right now if you like. [Ed. Note - Tawny Kitaen actually beat up then-husband Chuck Finley, a pitcher for the Cleveland Indians, but you can still pretend.] Whitesnake is the perfect theme music for most accidental firework injuries where I come from.

If people want to be jealous of Danzig, well, that is really just showing their immaturity because even if you are not into metal or gothic post punk stuff I mean, he made DANZIG, the self-titled wonderchild album of all eponymous albums and I bet you if Less Than Zero came out last week with some Gossip Women in there, people would be all over his soundtrack contribution. I couldn’t even find that shit on iTunes. What a load of crap. Sweat nuts.