Quentin Tarantino's Inglourious Basterds made an astounding $37.6 million at the box office this weekend, proving my long-held contention that there is an audience for movies about murderous Jews. That, and this article about the Final Destination movies, got me thinking: Where's the Jewish torture porn? The goyim have had tons of horror flicks with Santa Claus and leprechauns and such; why can't we have a movie pegged to some kind of Jewish holiday where everyone gets dispatched in the most unTalmudic of ways?

Here's my pitch: Simchat Terror. As a congregation of attractive young Hebrews and Hebresses gathers to celebrate the conclusion of that year's Torah reading, a malevolent force hides out in the shul basement, preparing unspeakable evil. The rest is details-the Torah through the eye, the death-by-honeycake scene, the cantor impaled on his own microphone, etc.-but the slogans pretty much write themselves. "This fall, murder wears a yarmukle." Or, "Of the dark, I should be afraid? YES." Or, "If you thought what they did to Jesus was bad, you won't believe what they do to each other." Okay, maybe not that last one. Anyway, Bob, Harvey, I know you guys still have problems; this could be your ace in the hole. Let's get this shonda on the road!