From time to time, The Awl offers its space to normal, everyday people with a perspective on national issues. Walt Fruttinger, an Applebee's franchisee, would like to address Rick Pitino's recent admission of a sexual liaison with a woman, Karen Sypher, who was not his wife, in a Louisville restaurant, after hours, on August 1st, 2003. Following the tryst, Mr. Pitino, who coaches the Louisville Cardinals men's basketball team, paid $3000 for Mrs. Sypher to have an abortion; then she married the team's equipment manager. Recently, Mr. Pitino believed Mrs. Sypher (who is now getting divorced) was trying to extort hush money from him. Mrs. Sypher claimed that Mr. Pitino raped her. Charges were not filed.

Hey there, Coach Pitino. I know you're pretty busy with all the remorse and public apologies and what not, but, say in 10 or 15 months-shoot, I really don't have a time frame here-I guess if you keep coaching and win 30+ games or get back to the Final Four and things are looking up for you on a personal and professional level, I would really like it if you'd choose my Applebee's franchise if you ever decide to make love to a strange woman who is not your wife in a restaurant shortly after closing time.

I'll even give you the keys so you can have some privacy and can lock up when you are finished. And if any of your coaching staff is along, and wants to "lie down," and listen while you are doing it with a woman you've only just met, well, I can certainly leave an extra pillow around as well as a canned Diet Slice for the guy.

That sound cool?

Now I know you are saying, "Applebee's? That place is a fucking dump."

Well, I wish you'd come have a look around my facility and I think you would change your tune. Many of our booths feature leather seats. Excess bodily fluids wipe cleanly away. Our men's bathroom has a little cologne dispenser (it is a dogwood/musk scent). And I will give you use of the restaurant iPod, on which you will find some great romantic classics from Al Jarreau, England Dan and John Ford Coley, and Brian something who was in Backstreet Boys.

Now these booths don't move, but slide a table out, and you can pretty much get into any sexual position you prefer. We have little Smuckers jelly packets you could use for lube. If you use them, just throw them on the floor and my night guy Shaun will get them when he's not doing one-hitters out by the dumpster. Sorry to be graphic, but I'm tickled at the thought of having you make love to a woman in my restaurant, preferably not long after you've talked to her children on her cell phone about being good basketball players.

And, sure my Applebee's franchise is not some fancy Italian joint, nor is it even in Louisville. It's in Bozeman, Montana and a lot of these hippies think they are too good for baby back ribs and Crispy Orange Chicken Bowls, but we're near some bars, and occasionally a hot, sobriety-challenged MILF with shaky morals might wander in here looking for a rendezvous. I can guarantee that if any broad fitting that description knew that Richard Pitino was here with a few Chicken Parmesan Tanglers in his belly, looking to get some action, she'd bust her ass to get in here.

I can check and see if there's a basketball camp going on sometime soon, so you could have a viable reason to travel up here, dispense your wisdom, eat at Applebee's, then drop your trousers on our clean, inviting carpet and rail some chick who won't cry pregnancy or rape later on. (Like my wife for instance, or my daughter.)

Also you should know that abortions cost way less than 3 grand here. Heck, I can get rid of a friggin' moose for $39 and/or a hand job.

So, mull that over coach. I can guarantee you 100% anonymity. Anything captured by the security camera would be reviewed by me then discretely disposed of.