Monday, August 17th, 2009

Guest Op Ed by Sarah Palin, Unemployed Alaskan

SARAH PALINFrom time to time, The Awl offers its space to normal, everyday people with a perspective on national issues. Today we give this space to Sarah Palin, who was a Vice Presidential candidate on the Republican ticket in the most recent national election, so she might address Levi Johnston, the father of her daughter's baby. Palin's current occupation is: homemaker.

Hey Guy Who is the Father of My Daughter's Miracle,

I know we have seen things from viewpoints as well as purviews that are maybe staggered on varying differentials, and that I posses the wisdom of someone who was a "hand-picked" public candidate for a high profile job, after having served in that capacity for the state in which we both reside, and… you get drunk at bonfires. (And are now, according to the media, engaged in a sexual cougar relationship with an unfunny redhead who prides herself on her low position on the entertainment totem pole.)

Which is somewhat okay. The Lord knows that there are many a day where I gaze fondly into Todd's eyes and just say "bonfire" and he knows what I am talking about-a simpler time with less responsibility and less demand from the public in terms of what are my convictions vis a vis Nukes, North Korea, Pork-Filled Stimulus, and having a foreign colored USURPER as President, who is obsessed with giving Mexican illegals safe appendectomies.

But I am not there any more in those whimsical days when the leering eye of the media wasn't lurking around trying to pry about what two or three people were off to the side of that bonfire, simply embraced in a copulative, loving position under some florid piney underbrush, and on top of a still-warm dead wolf-and also trying to lie about me all the time.

Sucks for me. But I have a bigger challenge. And that bigger challenge to some degree is known as a calling. And that calling-and here is where I am going to be very direct with you-gets jeopardized when young men who got my daughter pregnant show off their personal giblets in gay men's magazines for all of America's men who swing that way to see and then have fantasies about what? I am not sure, but maybe putting it in their mouths like a lozenge, or directing it into another orifice for some sort of fleeting, puerile connection that is enhanced by stimulants like poppers which I have never, ever done.

I know you have pride in the equipment that God bestowed upon you. And we all know it works, J. But you have a name to uphold to: Johnston. And, that due to DNA and not practicing safe sex is now tethered to "Palin," and I just feel like it would be really sad for you to put all of that on the line by displaying your penis to sinners for money. And though he can not say it in "words," other babies beyond your own have sent me vibrations about how disappointed they would be-namely Trig. You posing naked is akin to the Death Panel deciding on Christmas Morning to come whisk him away and put him in a canoe by himself floating down a black, lead-colored river that just goes and goes out to the horizon, without letting us so much as put Wheat Thins in it or even wave good bye.

Which is all very, very ironic, because I am sure liberals would like to see your machinery. But as someone who had a great chance to be your Mother-in-Law until you let us all down, by helping McCain lose the election, I am politely asking you to not do it, and to do something else with your penis, like keep it in your pants until you have had more worldly experiences.

Love, "Mom"

Previously: Guest Op Ed by Walt Fruttinger, Applebee's Franchisee

7 Comments / Post A Comment

HiredGoons (#603)

"Pork-Filled Stimulus" is what got Bristol into so much trouble in the first place, Mrs. Palin – choose your words carefully, m'dear.

Rod T (#33)


:) Mz. P. ur not bossing me now so dont think ur
im just makin green for my babyboy for colege
leve me out of ur mind and ill leve u outta mine


mathnet (#27)

ttyl tho its all good. have to go hunt some sheep

EvilMonkey (#1,063)

This is obviously a ghostwritten piece. Differentials? Appendectomies? Copulative? Puerile? These words are not in Sarah Palin's word usage. Plus, there are not enough bald faced lies and outlandish claims here. Besides, SarahBarracuda only communicates through her thingy, where she can speak directly to the real Americans without the filter of the media. Dang media anyway.

Abe Sauer (#148)

Sorely lacking a cap-and-tax reference or a quote of wisdom from a historical figure that might appear in a Bill & Ted movie. However, the passivity of voice is perfectly good.

monkeyajb (#524)

It is hard to know what everyone else sees, but the contextual display ads on The Awl are like performance art.

Mmmegh (#1,336)

mine are "lose yourself in alaska…. find yourself in haines" and one of those quizzes asking "are you smarter than sarah palin?"…


Post a Comment