The Audit Bureau of Circulations released its report on the first half of the year today. The results? "Twenty-four of the top 25 newsstand sellers posted declines in the first half of 2009, according to the audit bureau, including top seller Cosmopolitan, down 7.8% from the first half of 2008. The lone gainer in the top 25 was Real Simple, which posted a 1.2% increase." Yikes! There was some good news on the subscription side, but we're gonna reiterate that "yikes," because, well, yikes.
Monday, August 31, 2009
8
Every Real Simple subscription comes with a free vagina.
Whatever dude - if VIBE had recipes half as good as Real Simple has, their shit wold not be going under.
Full disclosure - I love their recipes AND I have a vagina.
Yeah see, I'm already long the vagina, but what I don't have fully developed is that special kind of "my future household is going to be condemned" self-loathing.
Like, how am I supposed to know that I can fashion a homemade colander using a coat hanger and some old pantyhose? How do they think of these things? The article says you can "use it to strain anything you wouldn't want to put through your kitchen colander." What would that even be? Dirt? Why are they straining dirt? Does this have something to do with composting? I can't engage in that particular art and craft, anyway, because I don't own pantyhose! Because I am a wanton barelegged floozy whose kids are going to have rat tails and grass stains on their clothing! But I'm sure the little colored tabs on a bag of bread would make for excellent rat tail barettes.
Oh, and instead of relegating mismatched champagne flutes to precious candle-holder status I'm just going to fucking booze out of them.
Even if I strained dirt (it's a pastime of mine), I could still put my kitchen colander in the dishwasher and - SURPRISE - I can use it again, right?
The magazine amazes me in its uncanny ability to read like a Martha Stewart & MacGyver buddy flick script.
Do you say these things just to hurt me, Kathleen?
"Hobby Farms" looks like it's doing well, though.
The beefcake magazines, however, are experiencing a record year in having semi-closeted men flip through them with their greasy hands and then putting them back for the next guy to ogle.