Obesity: As American As Frito Pie
Unless you are living in Colorado, you are probably a fat piece of shit, according to a study from the Trust for America's Health and the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation. The report finds that most of you are "anthropomorphosized tubs of lard" who "can barely find the broken button hiding below your enormous gut" with which to seal the "gigantic khaki tents you refer to as 'pants'." Noting that "you are gonna die from being such a massive tub of processed chemicals and flavoring agents," the study suggests maybe you try "standing up and actually walking to the TV to change the channel rather than using the remote, because God knows that's the only exercise you're going to get," adding, "You fat fuck." I have included video in this post because it seems the heftiest American citizens come from Mississippi and Alabama, and, well, you know, the whole "literacy" thing. Anyway, lemme run, I'm late for my post-lunch/pre-dinner snack, and you don't wanna find out how irritable I get when I miss that.
My mother loves me just the way I am.
Homegirl reading the teleprompter isn't missing many meals either.
I'll fill for you, while you're out.
1. The frito pie at the Woolworths on the Santa Fe Plaza is to die for. Anyhow, that's what they say. I'm waiting for my results.
2. Where do I sign up to join the RICHARD Wood Johnson Foundation?
3. Um. . .they sent someone named "Potts" to report on obesity?
4. My TV doesn't have an off switch. Which is fine, because I don't have a couch.
At the gym today, one young woman spent her entire workout moving from one bench to another for the sole purpose of texting her friends from a different location.
She didn't get on the treadmill and gently browse through Okay Magazine?
I'm in better health and fitness, etc., right here and now in America, than when I was living in Boulder. SUCK IT, OUTDOORS.
Wow, I grew up in Boulder. Different time of course, as I'm old
I've spent the better part of a year trying to take off a few of these pounds that have crept on and this is what I've discovered.
1. A life without beer is not worth living.
2. When I weigh more, there's more of me to love.
3. Sweatpants are more comfortable, so who are all these fancypants (literally) who insist on waistbands? Totally unnecessary in our elasticized world.
Wow, they totally got that kid with the tray's face in the shot. I hope he doesn't get bullied at school because of this. I'll bet he could sue for that.
Judging from the statistics, his classmates are in no shape to bully him.
The looser the waistband, the deeper the quicksand
Or so I have read…
(blinking)
I ate a cupcake while reading this.
America, fuck yeah!
With Belushi, Candy and Farley dying so young, who are America's obese supposed to look to as role models?
We're not fat, we're evolving, dammit!
They can take my 44" waist, 30" inseam American flag Zubaz pants off my cold, dead ass!
LAY OFF ME I'M STAAARVING!