Unless you are living in Colorado, you are probably a fat piece of shit, according to a study from the Trust for America's Health and the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation. The report finds that most of you are "anthropomorphosized tubs of lard" who "can barely find the broken button hiding below your enormous gut" with which to seal the "gigantic khaki tents you refer to as 'pants'." Noting that "you are gonna die from being such a massive tub of processed chemicals and flavoring agents," the study suggests maybe you try "standing up and actually walking to the TV to change the channel rather than using the remote, because God knows that's the only exercise you're going to get," adding, "You fat fuck." I have included video in this post because it seems the heftiest American citizens come from Mississippi and Alabama, and, well, you know, the whole "literacy" thing. Anyway, lemme run, I'm late for my post-lunch/pre-dinner snack, and you don't wanna find out how irritable I get when I miss that.