F/M/K: Adam Sandler, Seth Rogen, Jason Schwartzman
Rex Reed is basically playing Fuck/Marry/Kill in his review of "Funny People," except I think he wants them all equally dead: "If there is anyone more repulsive than Adam Sandler and Seth Rogen, it is Jason Schwartzman, who also provided a musical score that makes construction-site jackhammers sound like Debussy's 'Prelude to the Afternoon of a Faun.'" Notable quotable: "In every film, Mr. Sandler looks more retarded, but never mind." NEVER MIND? (Related: if anyone can figure out what the hell that awful David Denby is rambling about, do let me know?) Also for those who would like to learn more about The Apatow and the making of this film which I will never see, this interview is very informative!
Are there any words in the English language more depressing then "by David Denby"?
Also, I was kind of under the impression that you saw all movies.
I think Schwartzman is actually the only celebrity I'd want to fuck. Yes, he's repulsive, but more in a "please shut up now my dear insufferable indie darling" kind of way. Seth Rogen? Actually repulsive.
I'm torn between marry/fuck on him and Rogen. TORN, TORN.
I'm leaning towards marrying Rogen.
I like how killing Sandler is a total given.
Silly Gay, you can't marry either one, so you'll have to fuck them both.
'member when you used to imagine your own funeral as a way of dealing with your shittylife?
You would meditate on your enemies having to say nice things about you and former lovers having to give an emotional performance right there in the pew of the church? Your parents would speak of regrets and your friends would talk about you with reverence and awe.
Remember extreme narcissism?
Well Apatow, Sandler, Rogan, Hill & Associates bring it in living color…with blue ray to follow.
Fuck Schwartzman (I'm really good at having sex with people I don't like as people.)
Marry Rogan (Cuddles!)
Kill Sandler.
exact same here! i had all the same thoughts, except i don't particularly despise schwartzman. but i WOULD like to see how he is in bed…
Given the choice between being fucked, married or killed by Rex Reed… would you even have to stop and consider?
The Observer review is hilarious. It sounds like one of Gabe's "The Hunt for the Worst Movie of All Time" columns.
"Leslie Mann, Mr. Apatow’s spouse, who has appeared in both of the director’s other moronic films, The 40-Year-Old Virgin and Knocked Up—a terrible actress who speaks through her sinus cavities and sounds like she has a speech impediment."
Good thing we're not getting personal!
And I wouldn't instigate intercourse with any of these people even if I were using Peggy Noonan's genitalia.
Look, i'm sure i will dislike this film too but: How the hell does Reed stay employed? He's just an axe man now… and a bad one at that. Here he admits he hates the actors in the film and then pans the film. This reminds me of his prairie home companion review: “…a rambling screen fable that is not only corny, lumbering and dull, but also pretentious, because it pretends that a lug-load of tasteless cracker-barrel baloney can pass for 105 minutes of heirloom charm. A Prairie Home Companion is about as charming as waking up with a dead animal in your bed.†Then he admits that he's never listened to the radio show nor will he, but so what.
"…it’s easy enough to avoid Funny People like the swine flu. Unfortunately, if you’re a movie critic, the luxury of self-protection is not an option." You dumb fuck, the whole point of swine flu is that it's almost IMPOSSIBLE to avoid.
WTF Reed?
HA! good point.
It's amazing, the restorative powers of embalming fluid.
Go get 'em, Rex.
Can I kill and then fuck one of them?
I love that the fact that Rex Reed shoplifting bust hasn't been mentioned yet.
This is hard, because I kind of want to marry Adam Sandler in Spanglish so he could make me one of those perfect egg sandwiches every morning and be Thomas Keller and rent us a house in Malibu. And I feel like Jason Schwartzman would be a better bone than Seth Rogen. Although Seth Rogen would probably try harder, and I'd feel bad killing him because I like his voice.
Rex Reed is a national treasure. Of Factory Girl he wrote: "Clumsily directed by an amateur named George Hickenlooper, Microsoft Word–ed with five-and-dime psychology by three hack writers of no importance, and edited with a Cuisinart, I doubt if it would have been considered slick or glam-sham enough to hold even Warhol’s interest in the days when he stuck the label of high art on everything that popped out of a Polaroid."
As much as I love reading him when he hates something (nearly always), I can't understand why he likes the movies he likes.
Dear Mr. Reed,
Since when did it become acceptable to refer to someone as "retarded"?
I believe you and the newspaper would have one HELL of a lot of explaining to do if you'd written (and The Observer had then printed):
"In every film, Mr. Sandler looks more like a kike, but never mind."
or (hypothetically):
"In every film, Mr. [Morgan] Freeman is looking more like a coon, but never mind."
or (again):
"In every film, Mr. DeNiro looks more like a dago, but never mind."
Am I being clear?
Please, Mr. Reed, Editors of The Observer, grow up.
Sorry — But I would double Mr. Reed salary if he wrote all your "what ifs".
And I figure: if it is acceptable in 2nd grade–then it can be acceptable when I'm a 40 something quadrillionaire with important awards with my name engraved on them.