Tuesday, July 28th, 2009
27

Emo Dracula Needs To Get Rapey

Now THAT was a vampireSlate considers the effect that the new crop of pussy vampires will have on our developing youth: "Just as America's young men are being given deeply erroneous ideas about sex by what they watch on the Web, so, too, are America's young women receiving troubling misinformation about the male of the species from Twilight. These women are going to be shocked when the sensitive, emotionally available, poetry-writing boys of their dreams expect a bit more from a sleepover than dew-eyed gazes and chaste hugs. The young man, having been schooled in love online, will be expecting extreme bondage and a lesbian three-way."

27 Comments / Post A Comment

saythatscool (#101)

Hey I'm the pizza guy. Who wants my extra large sausage?

I am an early adapter. My dates start out with the guy interviewing me as I undress.

saythatscool (#101)

Would you like to go out for a cocktail tonight?

Abe Sauer (#148)

How you going to keep em down on the farm once they've seen Karl Hungus?

Wave of the future, Dude.

"The sensitive, emotionally available, poetry-writing boys of their dreams will be expecting extreme bondage and a twink three-way."

Fixed that for you Balk.

brent_cox (#40)

Even worse, they're being given deeply erroneous ideas about vampires.

Bittersweet (#765)

You mean that they're heteros?

Meeg (#309)

Heheh I thought that was going to be the point of the article.

What?! There are online sites showing bondage and three-ways?! As a woman, I don't have access to these things. Tell me more. Be explicit please.

I'm more concerned about the fact that girls are getting troubling information about the male of the species from the example of the Jonas brothers.

Hez (#147)

I do hope the "less cape more rape" tag gets a lot of use.

HiredGoons (#603)

less fang more bang.

Hez (#147)

"less inhaler more impaler"

One of these tags is not like the others.

El Matardillo (#586)

Balk, every time I dismiss you as a lightweight, you come through with the Real McCoy. Carry on!

Abe Sauer (#148)

I don't know; I mean, how am I supposed to get all excited about sliding my hand under the wire of that bra after I've seen Teeth and Jeniffer's Body?

It's all an Hegelian Process, Balk, and we are only 2/3rds through. Thesis: we had to endure, as a nation, Dick Cheney, King of All Evil Vampires. Antithesis: History provides a corrective in the form of Twilight pussyboys and, we cannot fail to note, the honorable but way-too-conflicted vampire Bill in True Blood.

The Hegelian Synthesis is coming, brother — wait for it.

jfruh (#713)

By "Hegelian synthesis" I thought you meant Katherine Heigl's latest romantic comedy, which looks set to set gender roles back decades.

Meeg (#309)

damn beat me to it!

Meeg (#309)

What does this have to do with Katherine Heigl?

HiredGoons (#603)

I vant to fuck your bod.

"Just as America's young men are being given deeply erroneous ideas about sex by what they watch on the Web, so, too, are America's young women receiving troubling misinformation about the male of the species from Twilight."

Except for a) young men have been getting deeply erroneous ideas about sex" since long before the Internet existed. "I never thought these letters were true…" to say no more, and b) the "sensitive, emotionally available, poetry-writing boys of [straight girls'] dreams" predate Twilight as well. Elliot Smith, Luke Skywalker, Holden Caulfield and Baudelaire, to name a few.

And it's possible that the audience for internet raunch may not be 100% male. But other than that, a solid argument. Young romance will likely continue to be a hot mess for most people most of the time, but don't blame vampires and the internet.

missdelite (#625)

The good girls always win.

Abe Sauer (#148)

I think they're all going to be really shocked when they learn teens have acne…

Flashman (#418)

I've learned that a first date is not the right time for scat play.
Nor is it even the right time to start talking about scat play.

gregorg (#30)

I coulda warned you. This is what happens when your teen porn is written by BYU girls.

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