Clash For Clunker

I don't have any money or anything, but I can still totally get excited thinking of stuff I would like to Buy. Right? It's the kind of Thinking I can really get into, man, I can concentrate my ass off when there's dollar signs floating around. Usually right after I buy a lottery ticket for one of the big POWERBALL or MEGA deals where it's like the odds are Greater Than getting hit by lightning While You Are Winning The Lottery, I'm trying to figure how how I'm gonna handle The News, you know?

Yeah, man, first thing I would do is hire a Lawyer, so then my "mouthpiece" would go get the Giant Lottery Check and nobody would ever know I won the jackpot, yeah, wait, what am I saying, a fucking lawyer? Jesus Christ, it's gotta be somebody I can Trust, fuck me, I'd need a goddamn Lawyer just to hire the Lawyer, to make sure I didn't get hosed, Jesus H. Powerballs, what a fucking nightmare, fuck it, I will step up and claim the giant prize in person, and then Disappear, yeah, man, and then I'd be all Howard Hughes and shit, only without the germ-phobia and the unmanageably-long-for-intimate-personal-hygiene fingernails when he finally went batshit-crazy from being . . . aw fuck, from being rich and isolated, goddamn it! OK, but I would totally enjoy to live in that weirdo pyramid-hotel in Nicaragua anyway, where Hughes Himself lived, so I could still do that, with all my millions, because I believe it is good for your Personal Energy to live in a Pyramid, so I would still be a Public Person, although I'm not exactly actually in the Public Eye or anything right now, unless I can get on this teevee show that's coming on in Baltimore* where people talk about things and have Opinions, which I totally have, but getting back to the shit I Will Buy When I Win The Powerball, first order of Business is a car, you know? I wouldn't go nuts and buy a buncha Lamborginis or anything, I would just want to have a nice ride, you know? Something with some style, like a 1971 DeTomaso Pantera, but I would try and Buy American. Oh, right, the DeTomaso Pantera was built buy Ford, so I'm good. Plus: Pantera, har! Or maybe a Delorean, eh? It has a stainless steel exterior, so that's Environmentally Conscientious, to not use any Carbon Credits on toxic paint or whatever, right? And my third car would be a (Mountbatten Class) Hovercraft, in case of Tsunami, because when I was poor, before I won the MEGA MILLIONS, I only had a kayak on top of my house for Tsunami, and now that I'm "minted," as they say in England–one of the many places I will travel in my New Leisure Lifestyle, I can afford a Hovercraft, not only for my own personal safety, but for the benefit of the many unfortunate non-Lottery-winning Civilians I will rescue right after the Giant Iceberg plops into the ocean and Tsunamis errbody. Yeah, it's gonna be awesome being all Well-Off and shit. I'll have time to be cultural and stuff, like, memorize some Notable Monologues for the Amusement and Erudition of guests at one of my many Dinner Parties in my villa on the Bosphorus, the narrow waterway dividing Istanbul. Wow, being a Lotto Millionaire has totally changed me, I gotta admit…

Wow, it's fun being Affluent in my Mind, but right now I would settle for a nice scratch-off score just so I could just buy a new car. I'm totally screwed on the "Cash For Clunkers" thing, Jesus Christ, "Cash for Clunkers," the newest bailout of like, everybody, I guess, except me, because I don't have a Clunker, I just have a 12-year old Honda Civic that needs a new Timing Belt and something called a Constant Velocity Something That Is Expensive Enough To Make Me Not Want To Replace It And Instead Retreat Into My Fantasy World Where I Decide How To Spend My Powerball or Mega Millions Winnings.

What is the Car Allowance Rebate System?

The CAR Allowance Rebate System (CARS) is a $1 billion government program that helps consumers buy or lease a more environmentally-friendly vehicle from a participating dealer when they trade in a less fuel-efficient car or truck. The program is designed to energize the economy; boost auto sales and put safer, cleaner and more fuel-efficient vehicles on the nation's roadways.

Consumers will be able to take advantage of this program and receive a $3,500 or $4,500 discount from the car dealer when they trade in their old vehicle and purchase or lease a new one. Consumers you do not need to register anywhere or at anytime for this program. However, to find out eligibility requirements click here.

You don't have to click there, I already did, and then I clicked a whole bunch more times and found out in order to get the $4.500 for the "Cash For Clunkers," among other so-called Requirements, your car has to:

• have a "new" combined city/highway fuel economy of 18 miles per gallon or less

So My Government says my fucking car, my 1996 Honda Civic, which gets 31 miles a gallon, is not a Clunker For Which You Get Cash. My reward in the Cash For Clunker is to keep driving my Honda, thanks. A fucking '96 Honda with a broken Expensive Velocity Joint Thing and a fucking radio where the volume doesn't work and it's either super loud or too quiet unless you turn it completely off and start over with the Volume knob and there's busted clips on the sun visor so I always have to be pushing it up while I'm driving but it never stays and I don't want to put a rubber band or something because then what do I do when the sun is in my face and I need to push it down, and every time I move the visor this fucking dust comes out of the visor because the padding-shit that was in there is 12 years old and it has turned into some kinda Superfund-site Lung Poison and the air conditioner doesn't really do anything when it gets over 85 and I live in fucking Baltimore, man, and it's fucking hot and a rusty hood and over 300,000 miles on it, the whole car, approximately, because the Odometer-miles thing broke at 297k and I hadda blow a hundred-fifty to get a new odometer after the cops told me to get it fixed when they pulled me over for speeding and I told 'em my Odometer was broken is not Clunk? I'm rolling in some fucking Clunk, man, and I would totally Stimulate some Automotive Recovery if I could get hooked up with the Cash For Clunkers, if I had any cash beyond whatever I would get for my Clunker.

My fourth Car From Winning The Lottery (counting the Mountbatten-Class Hovercraft as a car) would be a 1996 Honda Civic made out of Platinum.

*It is called Square Off and it is hosted by a guy who used to work with Oprah when she was in Baltimore which was a million years ago and like, he "retired" and shit but now all of a sudden he wants to be back on TV, so he's either an annoying small-market-teevee Egomaniac, or totally Bored, or maybe even Broke Like Me, and he's still in Baltimore, but you know, no offense, because so am I, and I want to get on this teevee show, so do me a favor and email this guy and tell him to give me a shot, OK? It's a show where people have Opinions about things and then there's like Discourse or whatever in re: opposing points of view. I have Opinions, you know? So anyway, the only thing that would stop me is if they don't pay anything because they think people want to be On Television for nothing while errbody around them is cashing a check, which is bullshit, so if that's the deal, include me out, but if there's money, I don't think it's illegal for me to suggest some sorta reward for anyone helping me get on the show, like a raffle or something? '96 Civic?

Mr. Wrong appears every three weeks or so in the Baltimore City Paper, which is not frequently enough, hence he is here. He is also here.

Previously: A Fifth Of July