“Look, we all know people. Think about the weirdest dude you know. The dude who wouldn’t go to graduation because he wanted to stay in the parking lot and hand out fake Round Table Pizza coupons. We all know good people like that. We know how it sounds when they speak. All I do is mimic or parrot. Nobody would ever say that I am empathetic or a good husband, but I don’t miss a beat when it comes to rubbernecking the strange. Last night I was out having a smoke and I saw some chick doing Wii Fit in her front window. I walked over and had a look to see if she was topless. She wasn’t, and somebody shut the drapes, but that kind of story shows you my dedication to checking things out.” Achewood‘s Chris Onstad talks life, work, and varnished-oak lecterns with Vice.