Friday, June 19th, 2009
17

The Reality Of The Leighton Meester Sex Tape

An argument in favor of Berkeleyan idealismA sex tape, purportedly of "Gossip Girl" starlet Leighton Meester, has been sold to the website CelebHotline.com, where, for a the price of a membership, you can view it to your heart's content, or until you splooge, whichever comes first. As a service to readers, many of whom are currently at work and unwilling to risk their jobs by clicking through to a porn site, I decided to investigate and see if it's the real deal.

Not surprisingly, the alleged Meester tape is at the top of the site's homepage. The prospective masturbator is offered two options: "Click Here To See Her Now," or "I'm Not Convinced! Click Here For More Info." This is actually a rather smart move on CelebHotline's part; I know a number of consumers who, in the wake of the Patricia Heaton Gangbang video turning out to be a hoax, swore off paying for celebrity sex tapes altogether. I clicked through to see further information about the film, and I could not have been more surprised by the arguments put forth to affirm its verisimilitude:

"Everyone has just one question about the recent Leighton Meester sex tape scandal that has exploded all over the internet in the last few days –

IS IT REALLY HER???!

The answer is YES! But first, let's look at it from an epistemological standpoint. As the great logician Willard Van Orman Quine once wrote, 'Epistemology, or something like it, simply falls into place as a chapter of psychology and hence of natural science. It studies a natural phenomenon, viz., a physical human subject. This human subject is accorded a certain experimentally controlled input — certain patterns of irradiation in assorted frequencies, for instance — and in the fullness of time the subject delivers as output a description of the three-dimensional external world and its history. The relation between the meager input and the torrential output is a relation that we are prompted to study for somewhat the same reasons that always prompted epistemology: namely, in order to see how evidence relates to theory, and in what ways one's theory of nature transcends any available evidence…But a conspicuous difference between old epistemology and the epistemological enterprise in this new psychological setting is that we can now make free use of empirical psychology.'

So, YES! This is 100% the REAL Leighton Meester, who plays the sexy socialite Blair Waldorf on the popular television series "Gossip Girl"! But consider this other thought from Quine:

'As an empiricist I continue to think of the conceptual scheme of science as a tool, ultimately, for predicting future experience in the light of past experience. Physical objects are conceptually imported into the situation as convenient intermediaries not by definition in terms of experience, but simply as irreducible posits comparable, epistemologically, to the gods of Homer… For my part I do, qua lay physicist, believe in physical objects and not in Homer's gods; and I consider it a scientific error to believe otherwise. But in point of epistemological footing, the physical objects and the gods differ only in degree and not in kind. Both sorts of entities enter our conceptions only as cultural posits.'

If that's the case-and Quine certainly has his detractors, although those of us here at CelebHotline have never found their arguments to be convincing or even compelling-we can culturally posit that these are indeed Leighton's perfect breasts with perky pink nipples. You want epistemological footing? See sweet Leighton giving a footjob and tell us you are not conceptually imported into the situation. Do your perceptions allow you to conceive of these hot ass close-ups as empirically real? Did you know she's a natural blonde?

Click here to find out for yourself. You won't be disappointed.

CelebHotline is your #1 source for LEIGHTON MEESTER SEX SCANDAL news and More Celebrity Movie Archives."

That is a remarkably rational analysis of the situation. In fact, I can say with almost total certitude that, based on the arguments put forth here, the footjob-giver in the video is, in fact, "Gossip Girl" starlet Leighton Meester. Were I not so desperately poor right now I would totally pay for the video. But I am poor, so I'm just gonna go hunt around the Bittorrents for it. Still, nice to see our purveyors of celebrity nookie are making the effort.

17 Comments / Post A Comment

brianvan (#149)

I HAVE LOST MY FUCKING MIND OVER THIS.

Oh and I see what you did there.

KarenUhOh (#19)

I just epistomologized in my sock a little.

Abe Sauer (#148)

Also. Now I understand why everything thinks writers are such terrible lays.

David Cho (#3)

Sometimes when I think, "Oh, Balk isn't completely out of touch!" you end a post like this by using the term "nookie."

Sigh.

Alex Balk (#4)

I was gonna go a little more graphic but I know how much Choire hates the word "splooge," which I already used above the cut, so in deference to his sensibilities I toned it down. It's all about compromise.

IBentMyWookie (#133)

Now do one with Kant's categorical imperative! And feel free to work a "Kant" pun in there.

NicFit (#616)

Stop complaining about being poor. You get to look at porn during the day.

These are the trade-offs we make.

Yeah, stop quining.

Abe Sauer (#148)

“Everyone has just one question about the recent Leighton Meester sex tape scandal that has exploded all over the internet in the last few days -"

Yes: "Who is Leighton Meester?"

Kataphraktos (#226)

It sounds like a made-up name from a video game.

And, in a way, it is.

Hmm…yup, still linkbaiting.

missdelite (#625)

All talk, no action.

God, Quine I know (banal but appropos excerpt), but Leighton Meester? That's a joke, right? Like Kurzweil Himmelgang or James Remspoor.

Tulletilsynet (#333)

Yeah but as another famous man once pointed out, "philosophers' references to 'the physical' are now standardly accompanied by a note explaining that any object will count as 'physical' which is invoked by 'the physical sciences,'" which all goes to show that unless the guy in the sex tape has tenure, the gods of Homer have more reality juice in their toenail clippings than Chastity Molester or whatever her name is has in the entire capacity of her vajayjay.

Now you can download complete Leighton Meester Sex Video:

Download Leighton Meester Sex Tape!

Meeg (#309)

As a gay man is it weird that I totally want to see this Blair Waldorf sex tape?

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