We are starting up an email list. It is for fun-and later FOR PROFIT. It will be just like Daily Candy, except not about things for vapid girls. It will be just like VSL, except not about what's cool. Ha, I'm totally kidding, I don't really know what it'll be like, but I like the idea of dashing off an email in the morning to you people. And then, in like three months, we will put an ADVERTISEMENT on it and it will pay for Alex Balk to have a new pair of shoes someday. He is wearing garbage bags and twist-ties on his feet, it is just like "The Road."
You should receive a confirmation email shortly. Thanks!
I only care for emails that promise to increase my manhood for pleasuring the ladies always.
I always thought it would be simpler to make the vagina smaller.
It's already been broughten.
Awl Up In Your Inbox
If this supports the cause, then count me in. Oh, wait, I have to count myself in. Okay, done. Fire away.
Also, that man looks like Oskar Eustis.
That is also what Providence is like.
It is also what every Oskar Eustis production of A Christmas Carol looked like.
Oh my god I love you all. I feel so much less alone.
I AM HANGIN' WITH THE AWL.
Could you send me a quick message each night too? That way I definitely don't need a boyfriend.
It seems like no one is getting any this summer! What is up with that?
RECESSION. Expansive contraction. Bongwater.
Maybe you guys should do a matchmaking service instead. I'll start things off -- I've got a job and and my own apartment. I like to drink and have sex. I'm allergic to cats. Any takers?
Are you a straight man?
REPRESSION. Expensive contraception. Still Bongwater.
I would say that I would like to date the people who know who Oskar Eustis is, but that may be precisely the problem.
Being as how an awl is made for punching holes in leather, I guess I shouldn't be surprised to see this site become a hookup board.
You mean this is a leather hook up room?
Trending that way!
tuna surprise: if you are allergic to cats you are DOOMED with us people.
Rumors and grossly overstated gossip tend to keep my dates from coming home with me. And I refuse to have s.e.x. on the bus anymore.
slinkimalinki: you better take that back. You're talking to someone who went to the emergency room after she spent too much time playing with a friend's kitten and her eyes swelled shut.
Tuna: actually, there is something deeply heroic about someone who is willing to risk her own health to play with a kitten.
there's also an "if you keep playing with that thing, you'll go blind" joke somewhere in there, but i'm too pure to make it.
I'm shacking up with a boy come August - but I do receive 3 cats and a dog out of the deal. So I am having sex and I now have cats.
Oh my god, will moving mean that I will stop having sex? Then I will have cats and fit in, right?
A/S/L
Roll call! Totally taking you up on this!
33/Straightlady/Pittsburgh
31/Straightlady/NYC
Oh, shit, I totally assumed Mathnet was a gay man, probably because I internalized Barbie's insidious propaganda about girls and math.
35/straight lady/ new zealand
31/straightman/NYC
Tuna FTW!
38/straight dude/Chicago
Will work as Houseboy for Select Sugar Mommas.
39 (and eleven twelfths)/Straightlady/Vancouver, Canadaland
28/female (can't decide straight or not)/tx
Do we have to actually read the emails?
YOU WILL NEVER BE MY BOYFRIEND.
So we do have to read the emails?
No.
No, just opening it up is enough to placate the advertisers and, therefore, subsidize the writers' bourbon-drinking and whatever crimes against humanity their daily routines include.
Will this be like the email I got today that said "Be more intelligent and acquire your sedatives online" (as opposed to friend's medicine cabinets?).
Would you please pill the cat before e-mailing us*? Because then you could report on how pilling the cat has gone each day.
*Or is it just me, hangin'?
About to do it right now!
Can't wait to read tomorrow's e-mail!
STRONGLY AGREE
Do you take requests? Because I would like some cartoon porn. I am especially fond of Spunky Knight. ktnxbai.
Is this going to be anything like GOOP?
Because I'm signing up, if so. I'm dying to know Balk's favorite brand of cashmere socks, and the best place to get tapas for the next time I flit off to Barcelona.
Will there be recipes?
Also, my email confirmation led me to an error page. You hate me, don't you?
What about gmail accounts in-- purely for the sake of argument-- one's Awl user name? I'm shy like that. Or do you need legit-looking address honey for some serious media buyers? In which case I'm all in for a pic of Alex wearing his tight new kicks and a smile.
They should rotate sending pics of Choire, Alex, Cho, the cat and the mice. Maybe some group shots too.
Christmas card!
I would also like a pic of the pile of sweaters on the chair. UNLESS IT HAS BEEN MOVED. I mean, can I get an update here? It's like you guys don't even WANT me to care about those sweaters.
I wanna the email!
Gimme gimme gimme!!
I pressed the fancy link in my confirmation, and it sent me back to The Awl.
Is that Normal?!
I'll be Mr Sad if I don't wake up to my new Choire Email in the morning.
Wait - Choire is on Fire Island pilling the cat & Balk is shuffling around in plastic bags with dead people next door? Sounds like someone needs co-dependency camp.
Is Neil Simon still alive? Cause he should be all over this.
Dear Advertisers, I have already bought 33 copies of Paul Blart. I will do anything Choire sez. Please give him buttloads of money. I am rich and will buy many products from you. Regards, Mamacita.
So, what does the Business Guy do if an Editorial Guy is the one out prospecting for names and money?
Lubing up the abacus.
What size feet does Balk have?
You are an odd duck.
He's wearing plastic baggies with twist ties...He's like the little match girl of bloggers. I want to send him shoes before his last candle burns out.
Send him a size 13. He can cut off any extra and tape the rest up with duct tape.
Thank you for the SPOILERS!
A morning email is way awesomer than setting up an Awl twitter and/or facebook thingy. But then I'm retro like that.
That was actually a damn fine email.
STRONGLY AGREE
David Cho is a genius.
You mean he is going to sell the mailing list of every unemployed writer to a marketing group?