Psychology lecturer Britta Osthaus, of England's Canterbury Christ Church University, revealed results of a study in which "the thought processes of 15 cats were tested by attaching food to the end of lengths of string and observing whether they could figure out that pulling the line brought the treats closer. The cats had no problem with tackling single pieces of string. However, when faced with two options, experts discovered that unlike their canine counterparts, cats were unable to consistently pick a baited string over a dummy." Obviously, this proves once and for all that dogs are smarter than cats. We asked Cat, The Awl's office cat, if he had any comment on the study and the interpretation of its results. Here is his response.
tsagrtahrw['A fairly compelling riposte, but draw your own conclusions.
athr
'pm;
thrahatrhm
Perhaps your cat is a Persian?
On the other hand, a cat wouldn't rush into a burning building to save its human. I mean, I'm sure yours would, right, because yours loves you and etc.? But most, no way.
I've always suspected this, as moping is an act demonstrative of intelligence. Sadly.
My cat: Nick the Cat paid an emergency visit to the vet to have a "fecal plug" removed from his posterior aperture. He was sedated, x-ray'd, shorn of fur on his bottom and a segment of his tail, then unblocked. $265.
My dog: Shirley poops without blockage or incident. $0.
I don't know if this is indicative of intelligence, but it makes me like the dog better.
Up until about a month ago, I had much guilt about liking one of my cats better than the other. The less-favorite cat getting sick and needing to be put down did not help.
The Awl: Giving Me a Place to Air My Dead Cat Issues Since Right Now
Life lessons learned from cats: You can be as dumb as a bag of hammers and still get by: just work on that aloofness that will communicate your "wisdom" to everyone.
That explains half of the art world.
Why does the cat want to chase crumbs on a string when he's already ordered carryout on your credit card?
Exactly.
As I learned in day one of Sociology, what's your definition of intelligence?
My two rabbits are far dumber than my one cat.
My cat is a genius, and most dogs I have known are dumb as dirt. I have also known smart dogs, and stupid-ass cats, but mostly it's the other way around.
Clearly this study was done by biased dog-lovers, is what I'm saying.
My kitty has learned that on a working day I'd better be in bed by 12,and the reading light off by 1 (and he whines, meows, covers his eyes with his paws or ends up whacking the lamp). Because the contrary means an angry tired hungoverlady does not feed him the right food (Purina and turkey breast)on time. Is that not intelligence?
My cat shits in a box. You know who else shits in a box? Frat boys, that's who. My dog shits wherever he wants. You know who else does that? The Pope. Draw your own conclusions.
Note: All my cats and dogs have been dead for years but it flows better this way. Now all I have is a rabbit and they eat their own poo.
All this proves is the well-known fact that cats prefer string to food.
Did no one consult the Pile of Sweaters? Or maybe laboratory testing that involve string hit a little too close to home.
It's obviously some kind of code. I've the better part of an hour applying my best code-breaking algorthms, but I just crack it.
Your cat is clever ... fiendishly clever.
Its a Haiku:
Cat the Cat et al,
Typing on a keyboard
Play the blue string out
Could they do some tests to see why my cat runs to the toliet everytime it flushes and watches the water go around and then leaves when it stops? I always wanted to know that.
I'm sorry, your cat is German.
Holly Golightly: your cat hates you, and thinks common nouns are for common cats.