Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009

Flicked Off: 'Transformers 2: The Revenge of Megan Fox's Rack'

YOU ARE INVITEDHave you ever fallen into a city-sized Cuisinart that is grinding its way through a vast Chinese scrap metal field and had your face abraded with shards of aluminum and eyelash-size scraps of rusty torn iron, so all the skin is peeling off your face, your delicate nose-bones being flayed by grinding gear bits and yesterday's shredded microchips and at the same time that song "Citizen Soldier" from the National Guard commercials is blaring at top volume, and somewhere in the distance you can see that "The Hurt Locker" is screening for no good reason and there is sand inside what remains of your teeth and then Megan Fox float-flounces by (like the cow in "Twister"!) with her nipples nearly pouring out of her crop-top camisole and some kid is trying to give her a flower but she is like "I am sooo busy getting highly paid and even though the makeup department set their mirror to 'evening' instead of 'day' and so my beautiful perfect skin is sort of plastered needlessly with foundation, I am still the hottest sex doll on two legs," and so she doesn't take the flower, the poor sad flower, which stands for natural beauty, a flower which is then blenderized like a sad goose sucked into a jet turbine? If so, then you have seen the new "Transformers" movie, which opens tonight at midnight, and despite all this awful noise and machinery, the real star of this movie is Megan Fox's rack, which is unparalleled in our modern time.

Megan Fox is a magical Disney cartoon, a Jessica Rabbit run wild, and she eagerly invites the camera to attend to her every crevice and flesh-folded intersection. Even as an avowed homosexual, I cannot help but notice just how feverishly she thrusts her secret parts towards the camera at every opportunity. (Of course, the camera thrusts back, as it has the hideous, orc-like eye of "director" Michael Bay leering behind it, and clearlyhe is touching some grotesque and unnaturally short and discolored protuberance of his own flesh the whole while.) In a slightly worse world, Megan Fox would be the star not of Hasbro's idiot "Transformer" franchise but of something that has the phrase "Double Penetration" in the title. All on her own, she is reeling back twenty years of gender and film studies textbooks. While we may have thought the male gaze was wilting or troublesome, Megan Fox proves that (for her and a select few others, at least) the male gaze is just some flimsy and pitiful little ray to rub her flesh up against so as to keep warm her nearly-exposed rump. She is hard to believe, with the soft kitty-cat stripper ways of a Gina Gershon melded with the hard machineness of a Linda Fiorentino.

Can this machine do anything else? It may not matter!

The plot behind the endlessly-long series of explosions that Megan Fox's rack is forced to endure is impossible to relate or understand. Of course, the world is going to end if the bad machines get their way. That is the plot in theory. In practice, there are a bunch of machines who are mad at other machines and they enter into many encounters where they whirl around, but if you are any kind of normal person, you won't be able to tell which machine is which, and so it will pretty much look like two or more enormous microwaves with swords violently mating. Some horrible chaos happened in the editing room where someone tried to make sense of this mess but it was too late. There are some ludicrous attempts at exposition. Actually, many of them-Hasbro & Co. are trying to throw so much into this movie to account for its endless run time, they have to keep stepping back and have some machine explain its motivation. This is hilariously sad.

There is exactly one funny joke in this endless, extremely long and unbelievably loud and nonsensical movie, and it has to do with the invention of the wheel. The rest of the things that pass for humor-which often take place at the worst possible time, as the "director" feels the need to add moments of levity to its explosions, thereby undermining his "end of the world" scenario constantly-are frat-boy fag jokes, crudities, robots farting, and general moronities. All told the script is WAY too crude for children; but also, far too childish for teenagers. At least people of every age and gender can have a relationship with Megan Fox's phantasmagorical rack.

30 Comments / Post A Comment

Me with the tags again. I think the automator cut off "Surprise Byline" ?

katiebakes (#32)


I thought I was reading Rex Reed. Awesome.

jaimealyse (#647)

Balk is an avowed homosexual??

El Matardillo (#586)

Since a relationship with Megan Fox's phantasmagorical rack is just what the doctor ordered, and is obtainable for the small cost of a ticket, I think I will partake of this.

I really liked this screed. It was something Richard might have written, but firm and cogent in a way that is hard to describe.

GiovanniGF (#224)

Freaky Tuesday at The Awl?

josh_speed (#97)

This movie could be approximated by putting 4-6 Matchbox cars in a Cuisinart. With a tambourine.

Bittersweet (#765)

Since I have no wish to fall into a city-sized Cuisinart and as a girl am relatively immune to the charms of Megan Fox's lady bits, I think I'll give this one a miss.

WindowSeat (#180)

I watched the first Transformers mess on a flight back from Yurp and it had me begging for the plane to plunge into the icy waters off Greenland. I'll pass on this one.

I actually watched it on a cruise. No joke!

I briefly considered plunging off the top deck to my death in the black waters below. But then I just returned to the bar & drank 'til I passed out in my deck chair.

Kataphraktos (#226)

You put yourself through this for science, yes? Don't tell us you did it for all your Loyal Awl Readers, that's just a cheap guilt trip.

I disagree! Choire did this to keep all Loyal Awl Readers from having to mop Balk's drool off our keyboards.

davidwatts (#72)

Like 'Marnie' or 'A Woman Under The Influence', Transformers 2 is in fact a gauntlet of perverse male trials for its female protagonist (Megan Fox's Rack), who starts the film wild and untamed, but ends it more in line with hetero-robotic-norms.

Urbania (#94)

Choire, thank you so much for taking one for the team. You've already been through so much having seen Angels and Demons. I hope you survive the summer.

LondonLee (#922)

Well, seeing as 99.9% of movies these days are made for virgin teenage boys the combo of Farting robots + Megan Fox's rack sounds like box office gold to me. I can imagine the studio exec who greenlighted it saying "you had me at the farting robots"

El Matardillo (#586)

So, are you going to see the Sandra Bullock flick next?

Conor (#35)

Misrobotist much?

KarenUhOh (#19)

Her tits are too far apart.

allyzay (#321)

yes. it always baffles me when an actress gets a titty job A) after she becomes famous and B) cheaply, after she becomes famous. otoh she also got a new face too so how do we even KNOW this woman is megan fox?! probably actually a terminator.

BlinkyMcChuck (#202)

She's got a gap in her rack?

NatashaVC (#464)

YES! (i thought it was just meeeee who was so bothered by the leathery sternum)

Uglatto (#938)

Thank you for mentioning that awful Kid Rock Citizen Soldier ad, I cringe every time that piece of sand-dusted propaganda comes on. I don't get what the all the fuss is about with this Megan Fox person. She's thin and has a rack, I guess, but the face is a little brutto.

sac (#880)

The cow in Twister is a cultural touchstone. Same with Megan Fox's rack.

Megan Fox hiking up her dress deserves a Webby.

Hez (#147)

There's a special magic at work when Choire writes about ladies and their secret parts. It fills me with the kind of joy usually only found upon meeting bacon-enabled vegetarians.

peterme (#944)

There is a factual error in this review.
"In a slightly worse world, Megan Fox would be the star not of Hasbro's idiot "Transformer" franchise but of something that has the phrase "Double Penetration" in the title."

Actually, that would be in a much, much better world.

The addition of several Josh Duhamel shower scenes would have greatly enhanced the verisimilitude of this opus.

I just found an awesome q&a with the cast members of Transformers 2. There were clips with MEGAN FOX where she talked about SHIA LABEOUF and how she thinks she is “useless” to herself. Josh Duhamel and Tyrese also talk about the movie and which Transformer they would want to be. Personally I am an optimus prime fan! Here’s the link:
Hope you enjoy as much as I did!!

NatashaVC (#464)

DIVINE, CHOIRE. Best, best, best so far. Don't ever stop with these!

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