"It is not the wheels falling of the Government," deputy Labour leader Harriet Harman declared today as the wheels fell off the British government in advance of Thursday's local council and European Parliament elections. The Labour government was always expected to do badly in these elections, which generally go poorly for the party in power, but the expenses scandal has made things even worse: Ministers and other members of parliament are resigning at an alarming rate. What does it all mean for you?

Nothing. I mean, who gives a shit about what happens in Britain? It's a country still fascinated by Martin Amis' love life and Lily Allen's sideboob. Still, here's the troubling thing: Although Labour has borne the brunt of the damage in the expenses affair, the opposition Conservatives have also taken some hits, leading to fears that angry voters will cast their ballots for the sensible Lib Dem alternative racist parties of the right like the UKIP-"whose candidates include a former Post Office worker boasting, in the party's official literature, that he refused to serve customers who spoke no English"-and BNP, which once made a commitment to "outlaw mixed-race relationships and to throw out any black person, even those born in Britain, if they commit a crime."

Should a "freak" outcome due to low turnout and general disgust occur, it won't make much of a difference; British councils generally do little but give jobs to their relatives and write bizarre regulations concerning wheelie bin placement, while members of the European parliament do fuck all. In fact, a strong result for the racist parties could wind up helping Labour, if it wakes people up to the fact that they might see a similar result in the election that actually counts, which must be held at some point in the next year. But it won't. Gordon Brown can fire whoever he has left to fire, but the table's been set, and the Labour party'won't be sitting at it. Not that you care. I'm actually wondering why I do. Sorry!