An article in this weekend's Times dealt with the burgeoning trend of intersexual friendship between straight men and gay men. There are some surprising nuggets of information-straight men with military training are more likely to be accepting of gay friends-and some confusing assertions about the basis for these friendships and how they do and don't work. To further advance the discussion, we got a gay dude and a straight fellow who have been friends for most of this decade to reflect on the piece.
STRAIGHT: Choire, do you consider us to be friends?
GAY: Not after you didn't put out.
STRAIGHT: Is that what all the tension has been about lately?
GAY: You understand that I am a simple, predatory man, with simple, predatory needs.
STRAIGHT: And that's what I've always respected about you. Just so long as you keep it to yourself and your gay ilk.
STRAIGHT: Don't try to "turn" me, or whatever it is you people call it.
GAY: I always wondered: when you finally figured out I was gay, did it worry you?
STRAIGHT: Well, I admit that when I finally realized you were a dude, after we had been making out for an hour, I was a little concerned. But that was more about my heavy drinking.
GAY: Hmm.
STRAIGHT: This article does worry me, though! Both as your business partner and your friend.
STRAIGHT: Also, I should have put "business" in quotes.
STRAIGHT: But first: Do you think I see you "only through the lens of sexual orientation"?
GAY: Like how you only want me to write about clothes and ballet?
STRAIGHT: Hey, I do some of the theater posts.
STRAIGHT: But it bothers me that you might think that I consider you to be "my gay friend Choire" rather than "my friend Choire, who just happens to be a gigantic mo."
GAY: Well it's not like I don't think of you as an idiotic mouth-breather who made questionable decisions about his life based solely on his heterosexuality!
STRAIGHT: But you don't see me as JUST THAT, right?
GAY: No, there's also your drinking!
STRAIGHT: Well, good. It's important that friends have a multi-faceted appreciation of each other's personalities.
STRAIGHT: Now there's this as well: "Another disconnect can be the tendency of straight men to purposely ignore their gay friends' emotional lives." Am I not enough of a listener? When you want to gab about the guys in your life, do you feel like you can talk to me about it?
GAY: Jeeeeeesus Christ.
GAY: Who are these fucking people?
STRAIGHT: So that'd be a no?
STRAIGHT: It's almost like you're saying that this article does not accurately represent the way straights and gays interact on a personal level!
GAY: It represents the way movie studio publicists do not get it on with their cuter, balder straight friends, at least.
STRAIGHT: Well, I'm glad someone speaks for them. But it does seem a little unclear as to the realities on a larger scale.
GAY: Um... I only looked at the pictures. I didn't actually read the article!
STRAIGHT: Well, let me summarize what it seems to be saying, which makes me feel conflicted and deficient in the friendship department. At bottom — hahaha, get it? — it says that straight men are getting more comfortable with their gay brethren, and, so long as the gay knows that we're "not that way," a meaningful friendship is possible? BUT, the article seems to say that what straight guys want from gay pals is fashion advice and insight into the female perspective, which every homosexual man apparently gets when they give him his Gay Card. Which worries me: Have straight men just found another group of people to exploit? Or am I just seeing it that way because of my blinkered heteronormative perspective?
GAY: I have to say, historically speaking? My experience is that straight men want gay friends around for, yes, that sort of advice, except when they've finally had too much to drink on a Saturday night and then they want a blowjob. This is not some made-up gay version of Penthouse letters, let me add! This is sort of like an endless merry-go-round of boring personal experience. (PRESENT COMPANY EXCLUDED.)
GAY: In fact, I had straight friends in high school refuse to speak to ME after I refused to sleep with THEM.
GAY: But yes apart from that, the straight-gay friendship is mostly all about just letting your hair down and talking about chicks.
STRAIGHT: Then what does the gay get out of it?
GAY: Huh. You know what? I'd never thought of that before! I guess: nothing!
GAY: See ya!
Since I'm in love with both of you, I feel qualified to state: I wouldn't want either of you behind me.
Is this where we share our boring intersexual friendship stories? I LIVED WITH A GAY FOR 2 YEARS AND WE EVEN WENT "BACKPACKING" TOGETHER AND I DIDN'T CATCH GAY OR AIDS OR ANYTHING. MOSTLY WE TALKED ABOUT WEED AND WHAT AN IDIOT EVERYONE IS, LESS FASHION AND LADIES.
Ha! This is great, and the two of you are like a proto-Odd Couple for the 21st century.
I'm glad the gay male-straight male friendship thing is being talked about, even though most magazine writers seem to feel the need to seize on the most asinine, cartoonish points. At least it's being talked about.
I'm just glad it lets all us straight ladies with our gay fake husbands take a breather.
Sometimes I just want to talk about baseball. With a gay guy.
I just had to go to Boston with a straight client, for a week straight. We totes bonded. We even bought underwear together at Kohl's when we ran out. Then I shivved that fucker because he wouldn't model his for me, after I spent an hour picking them out.
What's the difference between a straight Puerto Rican and a gay Puerto Rican? About 5 beers.
Haha, and no, I don't know why the joke singles out Puerto Ricans and I am sort of offended by it as well.
I grew up in New York, in a Puerto Rican neighborhood. That joke is frighteningly astute.
As long as these chumps are living right up to (down to?) expectations, what else is there to document? Until Pew does a comprehensive study on "How many Americans have two robust brainwaves to rub together," then I guess the Times can keep pitching midseason replacements for Logo or whatever.
As a straight male with military experience, I would add that in my experience there is a long tradition of gays in the military. Whole decks of US Navy aircraft carriers are 100% gay. Military intelligence and linguistics often have secret gay cliques. These are all open secrets that no one acknowledges openly. One of my bunkmates was a single man in his mid-thirties. Loved Philip Glass and opera. Kept a collection of fancy pillows on his bed. Had zero interest in men.
Will & Greg?
OK, not the Times's best. Bet they're back on form, though, with next week's feature on the farmer and the cowman.
Whose float were you on yesterday, Balk?
Bears. Obvs.
Depending on your gag reflex--you may or may not be my friend. Gay or straight-- I refuse to hang with anyone that cannot provide me with the occaisional quality hummer. Thats just how I roll.
Choire! If there's anything at all I've learned about Balk over the years, it's that his assistance will likely prove invaluable during the formulation of Kanine Kools, or whatever you're calling your utterly brilliant & much needed dog cigarettes.
looking forward to the eventual awl.tv reality spin-off.
So, which one of you is gay, again? I need to know what to wear to a party.
Before I was a big 'mo, I was a straight guy who would ask my gay friends for blow jobs.
So now do you know what girls feel like?
Wait a minute... you and Balk were making out once? I mean I'm down with it but still...does this mean that just Balk's cock is gay?
Anyways, if you guys are interested in a 3 way anytime, I can always host. ttfn!