Tuesday, June 9th, 2009
49

A Note On Stupid Bitches

LOLGREERSince I am getting very lightly raked over some very minor coals on the charges of SEXISM AGAINST LADIES here and there on the Internet (although not raked very hard because I am a man and men get treated 1000 times better than women on the Internet), because I called some lady "stupid" yesterday, I thought maybe I could make clear my official position on which major gender is totally better than the other major gender.

Once upon a time, there was a poster in the kitchen of one of the houses I grew up in that said something tortuously-worded about how feminism will have been achieved when women can be considered as big an asshole as men are and how you have to do twice the work for half the pay while you are hugging children with nuclear arms. Oh yes, I was part of the generation that never uttered the word "bitch" (and, semi-relatedly, never ate a Twinkie) until I was like an adult, because it was considered as bad as what they used to call "the n-word." (I didn't say the c-word until I was like 21 or something! It was such a forbidden thrill when I first did it, too.)

So I grew up believing that women are so clearly demonstrably better, overall, than men; and I haven't found much if any evidence to the contrary yet. (This makes being a dude who dates dudes REALLY DIFFICULT sometimes, though that is a story for another day.)

And all this is why when I meet stupid bitches, which I do with some regularity, I hold them to a higher standard. (And, uh oh, I think I sound like Lizz Winstead right now! Except unlike Lizz Winstead, I like sluts. And bitches. But not stupid sluts. Or stupid bitches.) But it's like when priests molest children. Priests should be the last people molesting children! It's extra-gross! And yet apparently they do it constantly. Similarly, shocking or dim lady behaviors are twice as shocking.

This may just mean, yes, that I have low expectations of men, believing as I do that essentially they are all rapists and sex harassers and probably for the most part dim and bad at communicating, which, when you hang out alone with straight men, you women might not be surprised to find out, you learn that they basically all are! Seriously, when you go out with a bunch of guys, and there are no women around, like Eddie Murphy on the white people bus, literally they will start talking about "pussy." I AM NOT JOKING. I have been out to lunch with bosses or other professional people, and they have told me about how they are getting laid, and which lady gives the best head in Manhattan (I AM QUOTING HERE.)* Um, yes, quite unsolicited! Maybe I just have one of those faces? Where people want to express their sexism to me? That seems unlikely; instead, I suspect it is rampant. (Also I don't think straight men could possibly be good judges of what makes for good fellatio, but that is ALSO another story for another time, and, also, as with other complicated concepts, it's hard to explain that to men.)

Anyhoo. Does that clear things up? Feminism won. Now we get to recognize that stupid bitches are stupid bitches.

*For your information, none of these men were my co-worker Alex Balk.

49 Comments / Post A Comment

katiebakes (#32)

I'm just a little Flicked Off that today's email negged on Wheaten Terriers!

KenWheaton (#401)

"Popularity has continued to grow and by the early '90s the breed was the seventh most popular terrier and over 2,000 puppies were registered yearly with the AKC."

Also: http://www.scwtca.org/buyer/index.htm

sigerson (#179)

Three in my building alone!

olmucky (#542)

Why weren't any women interviewed for this article?

-Gender Equality

So you're syaing Balk doesn't get any?

Not from me, he doesn't!

I feel like Balk's Cock might have something valuable to add here.

Kataphraktos (#226)

Wait a minute, this Alex Balk is a real person? All these years, I thought he was your straight alter-ego!

I mean, I don't how anyone could have been confused on your stance re:this after the passage, "A little penis, it turns out, can be a dangerous thing. But it’s not crazy at all to feel bad for the young male writers of our time, despite all they have done to us with their books," but this was a fun clarification nonetheless.

Matt (#26)

I'm offended that you hyphenated a word that ends in "-ly."

Tuna Surprise (#573)

As a devout lady-reader of your fine publication, I was kinda offended by your column yesterday. What's so wrong about being "deep in thrall to [your] uterus"? I'm single and childless, living the 'dream' with a six figure job, graduate school diploma, apartment in the city, etc. but I still think that baby is adorable and want to wear an enormous white dress someday. I wouldn't deride you for 'dressing with purpose' or being 'deep in thrall to your penis'. Why judge this lady? I don't think her desires are any more unbearably stupid than yours. On the other hand, feel free to eviscerate her for offering running commentary at the movies. That shit drives me crazy.

Urbania (#94)

I think it's annoying that Choire has received any flack over this. He is stating that in that context, movie theater in Murray Hill that only frat guys and gals seems to inhabit, there are stupid folk of a particular stripe. He's a writer, he gets to judge and be outrageous as much as he likes. There is nothing bad or wrong about being a judgey judging judge. He is making a point. And it was well written. And hilarious.

And you are free to point out the absurdity of his point of dressing with purpose or his happy penis or whatever. Just make it funny and well-written.

i would certainly deride someone for being "deep in thrall to [his] penis." because, um, not to generalize, but wouldn't it result in the ickier behaviors described above?

when i sleep, i dream that i am you.

only self-aware.

mathnet (#27)

Is it Another Time yet? Because I would really like to read more about how only gay men have ever received good blowjobs.

To assert that men give better 'job is reasonable, but the claim that straight men can't judge a good one could only issue from a hystero-neuresthenic mind.

I am perfectly willing to concede that men give better blow jobs.

mathnet (#27)

As am I! But I would like to read more about why Choire believes straight dudes can't tell a good one from a bad one.

The implication seems to be that a 100% straight dood has not received oral sex from another dood.

BlinkyMcChuck (#202)

We have, uh, bigger mouths. :D

Blinky, given my size obsession I will never be able to deep throat as well as a guy.

HelloTitty (#830)

Agreed. Be servicey!

Rod T (#33)

Cute post.

KarenUhOh (#19)

Thank God I don't have a high opinion of anybody.

hman (#53)

Wait, Murray Hill isn't a dude??

Totally not, brah.

Renate (#360)

I see it as a personal duty to call-out stupid bitches at least once a day. As far as yesterday's post goes, the chick cooing over the kid would have annoyed-this coming from someone that is part of the age group who weren't allowed Twinkies as a children, which means my bio-clock should be bonging like Big Ben these days.

zidaane (#373)

So you missed out on the foil covered Ding Dong as well?

rj77 (#210)

…literally they will start talking about “pussy.” I AM NOT JOKING.

We already know you like to talk about your cat.

Though, I do concur:

Sluts = Good
Stupid bitches = Bad

Rod T (#33)

No, seriously. This post is totally cute.

BoHan (#29)

Fight on Choire! Some of my best friends are stupid bitches.

wiilliiaamm (#225)

my homosexistentializm has me not liking women–bitches or not. And by not liking women….I mean I DONT LIKE WOMEN. They confuse me, irritate me, are generally more complicated than I prefer in my humans. The mans I prefer are simple and without much emotional depth. I am a classic male in that women present a real puzzle to me. I always get into trouble with certain women when I open my big dumb mouth about this….but I think gaymen, if they honestly examined their motives around women may have a similiar take. Just know that I grew up around strong independent women whom I admire deeply and whom have great influence in my life today….but they scare me and make me pee my pants when they yell at me.

SeaBassTian (#281)

It is my sincere wish that you do not hold yourself back in the future as part of a campaign of restraint. I've always been of the mind that you can not really make valid points without offending somebody. The nitwits of Murray Hill seem like a good place to start.

Rod T (#33)

OMG. That comment is sooooo cute.

SeaBassTian (#281)

That crotch grabbing avatar is totally cute…

sigerson (#179)

Choire — I read that film review and promptly thought, "Wow, Choire kind of hates women." So I posted "misogynist much?" immediately after reading it. Maybe it was the casual, offhand use of "stupid bitch" or the "in thrall to her uterus" phrase, but the whole post reeked of misogynism.

I read all the responses and thought about it alot more and of course you aren't a misogynist, or even more prejudiced than the average dude of our Gen X cohort. Your writing smacked me in the face so strongly because it's the sort of language that a domesticated animal like myself, married, with infant son, surrounded by mother-in-law, sisters-in-law, wife, mother and nanny (hell, even working for a superlawyer woman on Wall Street), is NEVER ALLOWED TO SAY. I don't think I've uttered the word "bitch" in five years or more. That women certainly sounds like a stupid bitch and there's nothing womyn-hating about using the term. At least in my opinion. You get to say that sort of thing freely, either because you're single or you're gay (or both). Straight guys like me? Not so much.

That said, I guess I'll just wade right into controversial stereotyping and suggest that outright hatred of straight women in the gay male community seems fairly common. From the derisive use of the word "breeder" to the "fag hags" who don't seem to realize that their gay friends are smirking and laughing at them behind their backs, this tendency has always seemed obvious and apparent. (see willliiaamm above) Of course, now I'm stereotyping you and opening myself up to all sorts of charges of homophobia and evil thoughts, but there we are. So.

You sound like you are in thrall to your penis. Though I don't know of any man; straight, bi, gay or pre-op who is not.

Choire, you are one smart bitch.

Aatom (#74)

I don't see gender.

No, really, I kind of really can't see women. Because I'm a gay dude, and think with my enthralling penis, femiladies are kind of invisible to me. This gets me into all sorts of trouble when said invisible ladies get haircuts and expect you to remember what they looked like the day before.

All the straight guys I've given blow jobs seem to know a good one when they feel it, for what it's worth.

josh_speed (#97)

They picked up yesterday's 'Flicked Off' review on MetaFilter–apres moi, le deluge.

The important thing to remember is that humans are overwhelmingly stupid and intolerable, and their pants are inexcusable.

Liquid (#546)

I agree.
I find women intrinsically more impressive than men – not because they work harder than we do to get the same thing or the overcoming centuries of oppression stuff (although that's pretty impressive). But because they do things like CREATE LIFE. WTF?! How do they DO that?? I mean, sure, sex is fun, but then all of a sudden there's LIFE in their bellies! It scares the hell out of me!

Especially also being a dude who likes other dudes – women are alien to me. (Although, I suspect that men are the actual aliens, but please don't ask me to explain that.)

Kataphraktos (#226)

Choire, less beta, please.

amuselouche (#448)

I was raised on a lesbian commune, suffered through the trauma of my very own My First Menses Party and didn't wear a skirt until I left my (all-girls) high school -and I still throw the C-word around like a hackysack. Some people, of either gender, are just cunts. And some people who talk about unrelated stupid shit in movies are just stupid. Thus is life.

Hez (#147)

Well, this particular Awlette was rather flicked on by yesterday's most excellent column. BUT WHY DID IT TAKE YOU UNTIL AGE 21 TO SAY THE WORD "CANADIAN"???

Tulletilsynet (#333)

So what's the takeaway? I have to summarize this post for a meeting tomorrow and I'm groping. Is Choire saying that smartass is neuter but dumbass is gendered?

The take away is that even though it's 2009 it's still not safe to call a woman a bitch if you are a man and if you are a woman you better have a pretty good reason, though it might be OK for anyone to call anyone a cunt.

Meeg (#309)

Rock on, Choire. As another member of the pro-woman class of gays (as opposed to the anti-woman gays who I sometimes forget exist), I didn't think there was anything wrong with you post. Some girls are just stupid bitches. And, yes, when you are alone in a room with straight guys you realize civilization would not exist if it wasn't for women.

GailPink (#9,712)

You had me at the title.

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