A Note On Stupid Bitches

LOLGREERSince I am getting very lightly raked over some very minor coals on the charges of SEXISM AGAINST LADIES here and there on the Internet (although not raked very hard because I am a man and men get treated 1000 times better than women on the Internet), because I called some lady “stupid” yesterday, I thought maybe I could make clear my official position on which major gender is totally better than the other major gender.

Once upon a time, there was a poster in the kitchen of one of the houses I grew up in that said something tortuously-worded about how feminism will have been achieved when women can be considered as big an asshole as men are and how you have to do twice the work for half the pay while you are hugging children with nuclear arms. Oh yes, I was part of the generation that never uttered the word “bitch” (and, semi-relatedly, never ate a Twinkie) until I was like an adult, because it was considered as bad as what they used to call “the n-word.” (I didn’t say the c-word until I was like 21 or something! It was such a forbidden thrill when I first did it, too.)

So I grew up believing that women are so clearly demonstrably better, overall, than men; and I haven’t found much if any evidence to the contrary yet. (This makes being a dude who dates dudes REALLY DIFFICULT sometimes, though that is a story for another day.)

And all this is why when I meet stupid bitches, which I do with some regularity, I hold them to a higher standard. (And, uh oh, I think I sound like Lizz Winstead right now! Except unlike Lizz Winstead, I like sluts. And bitches. But not stupid sluts. Or stupid bitches.) But it’s like when priests molest children. Priests should be the last people molesting children! It’s extra-gross! And yet apparently they do it constantly. Similarly, shocking or dim lady behaviors are twice as shocking.

This may just mean, yes, that I have low expectations of men, believing as I do that essentially they are all rapists and sex harassers and probably for the most part dim and bad at communicating, which, when you hang out alone with straight men, you women might not be surprised to find out, you learn that they basically all are! Seriously, when you go out with a bunch of guys, and there are no women around, like Eddie Murphy on the white people bus, literally they will start talking about “pussy.” I AM NOT JOKING. I have been out to lunch with bosses or other professional people, and they have told me about how they are getting laid, and which lady gives the best head in Manhattan (I AM QUOTING HERE.)* Um, yes, quite unsolicited! Maybe I just have one of those faces? Where people want to express their sexism to me? That seems unlikely; instead, I suspect it is rampant. (Also I don’t think straight men could possibly be good judges of what makes for good fellatio, but that is ALSO another story for another time, and, also, as with other complicated concepts, it’s hard to explain that to men.)

Anyhoo. Does that clear things up? Feminism won. Now we get to recognize that stupid bitches are stupid bitches.

*For your information, none of these men were my co-worker Alex Balk.