A Note On Rumors About Our Impending Sale
An item today on Silicon Alley Insider suggesting that this very website is a possible purchase platform for AOL's growing portfolio of blogs has resulted in a flurry of speculation and what can only be characterized as a number of desperate counter-offers* from companies both large and small who have suddenly realized that our demographics and scalability offer an extremely cost-efficient revenue-positive traffic enhancer in an increasingly fragmented marketspace.
Our corporate structure is set up in such a way that editorial is only privy to negotiations when they achieve top-level status, so I consulted with Senior Head Of Business Development/VP For Content Integration Opportunities David Cho to see what the deal was. Unfortunately he was unavailable, but his away message ("Suck it, bitches! Maybe if you're nice you can come smoke my crack with Tim Armstrong and all my hos on the bigass yacht I'll be buying with that sweet AOL money.") may provide something of a clue.
*The number is 0.
First Pirate Bay, and now this, and I still don't have an agent for my Twitter updates.
I keep checking my email for offers to turn my Tumblr into Lifetime miniseries, but nothing!
You're like Gawker, but cheaper! YAY!
PS Can I buy you a drink while you whisper nonsensical web 2.0 in my ear? OK, how about two? But if it's two, you have to use 'synergy' in a sentence.
So this is the "Cracked" to Gawker's "Mad"?
I appeal to AOL!
AOL has you on their docket.
"Demographically appealing." That seems almost within reach of "Tacky but willing."
These sorts of rumors could ruin my reputation.
Well, if you'awl are anything like me: you aren't some much for sale as rentable for the night, right?
Where does The Cat fall under the corporate structure?
CFO.
Also, this is like that scene in Goodfellas where all the guys turn up at the Christmas party with their newly-acquired symbols of wealth after the Lufthansa heist, and Jimmy freaks out because he doesn't want the feds to get wise….basically, I guess I'm wondering when Choire is going to show up at Cho's apartment screaming into the building intercom about the latter being a whore.
I imagine Cho's apartment currently looking something like this
http://image.flamingoworld.com/coming_to_america_hot_tub.jpg
Way to tie your dinghy to a sinking ship.
Free financial advice: don't take payment in AOL stock! Hold out for free dial-up!
Oh, you're gonna hate Dulles.
"Though growing fast, the Awl's traffic is small. Of course, that's nothing a link or two from AOL.com can't fix."
Imagine, AOL users that are capable of using the rest of the internet. Inconceivable.
Then imagine the comments they'd leave.
My mom still uses AOL. She also doesn't know what wikipedia is.
And I'd have to stop coming here if my mom started stopping by and that would be a damn shame because I managed a pretty single digit commenter number.
How much do you want for your digit?
I smell a well paid publicist. Probs paid in Cube Mobile Device money.
You guys should get some of that Nikki Finke money.
I really like if whey you call me "A valuable demographic".
You can keep the hookers, but I wouldn't mind a cut of the blow.
How the fuck did a picture of Julia Allison work its way into that piece?
And I refuse to believe "SportyTweets" exists. When I say that, I had to double-check just to be sure I wasn't reading some kind of parody from The Onion.
Would The Awl by AOL come with 15 more minutes of fart jokes?
AOL? So nothing yet from Prodigy? Fingers crossed, gents!
AWOL
Aw, this would allow Balk to upgrade from "Dack Janiels" and "Ill-behaved Chicken" brand whiskey to middle shelf!