Finally! Vanity Fair has done the definitive, intelligent profile of Jessica Simpson! Oh wait.
There have been danger signs. First, the sudden weight gain, as evidenced by pictures that turned up in the tabloids earlier this year showing the starlet, onstage, looking less than slender, holding the microphone like a turkey leg, and wearing what were described everywhere as 'mom jeans.'
So not so much. Ugh. Also they note that it is entirely possible that Simpson ends up "forgotten" and "living in a house amid a strip of identical houses in the fifth settlement ring beyond Dallas, with her third husband, a kicker in the Arena Football League."
Except her boyfriend is on a $67 million football contract and her fashion line alone makes like $400 million, so, you know, she'll probably be okay.
You know, Choire, if you Gopnik us so close to a Jessica Simpson piece, we are going to start thinking you're a dirty stopout.
Oxy Lotioned OxyCleaned oxymoron.
I'm wearing dad jeans.
Dockers?
Wow. I don't read VF because some classist piece of bullshit always gets me angry, but this is something else. Misogynist, sizeist, ageist and classist .
"I didn’t want to ask about her weight directly, so I hinted at it.."
And then spent the first 400 words of my profile calling her fat.
Really vile.
Jez out.
Forgotten? Never! J-Sim Spazzface will never die!
What's "J-Sim Spazzface" you may ask? Just watch this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CW6QrCaRrmY
Be especially alert at moments like 0:52, 1:40 and 2:50, when "J-Sim Spazzface" is in full force.
(I just invented the phrase "J-Sim Spazzface," by the way. Remember you heard it here first.)
whatever, at the end of the day she's still dating a dude who cried in the middle of a football field on national television -- KEEP YOUR MILLIONS, LADY.
I knew letting my subscription lapse was a good idea.
So they finally let Hitchens write a celebrity profile?
And VF's advertising is down some fifty-something percent? Seriously, this economy is just refusing to take one single prisoner!