'Vanity Fair' Entirely Fails To Profile Jessica Simpson

Finally! Vanity Fair has done the definitive, intelligent profile of Jessica Simpson! Oh wait.

There have been danger signs. First, the sudden weight gain, as evidenced by pictures that turned up in the tabloids earlier this year showing the starlet, onstage, looking less than slender, holding the microphone like a turkey leg, and wearing what were described everywhere as ‘mom jeans.’

So not so much. Ugh. Also they note that it is entirely possible that Simpson ends up “forgotten” and “living in a house amid a strip of identical houses in the fifth settlement ring beyond Dallas, with her third husband, a kicker in the Arena Football League.”

Except her boyfriend is on a $67 million football contract and her fashion line alone makes like $400 million, so, you know, she’ll probably be okay.