Thursday, May 7th, 2009

Social A's: I Can't Invite My Friends Over, As I Have No Drugs

Social A'sDear Answer Lady,

I have these friends who, whenever I go over to their house, we smoke a ton of marijuana. I would like to return their hospitality, but I've never invited them to hang out at my place because I'm worried it would be awkward due to a lack of drugs on my part. I guess I could buy some just for the occasion, but I don't even really know how to go about doing so (when I used to smoke every day, my boyfriend dealt with the dealer) and … I just don't want to! Can I ask my friends to bring their own drugs, which I will then smoke?

Faux Pot

Dear Faux Pot,

Ah, just like the famous song by The Hold Steady: "You don't have to deal with the dealers/ Let your boyfriend deal with the dealers/ It only gets inconvenient/ When you've long since broken up with that boyfriend and have mostly quit smoking pot but you still occasionally want to make America's Next Top Model watchable and not constantly mooch off your friends." I am paraphrasing but I think that's basically how the song goes.

Drug etiquette is really hard because the people involved in questions of drug etiquette cannot be relied on to perceive things accurately. Like, are you sensing that your friends are tired of your mooching? Well, maybe you are just being paranoid, about that! Seriously, I think it's likely that your friends do not care (from the one sentence I know about them, they seem easygoing). Which transforms your question from an etiquette question into an ethical question. I'm glad you decided to address it to me and not to Randy Cohen! Once we stop worrying about your friends, your question becomes, "I am a grown person. Is embarking on the project of buying my own drugs at this stage in the game an assertion of maturity and independence or a regression into immaturity and dependence (on drugs)?"

I feel you on not wanting to buy drugs, Faux. There are some things where, it just seems too weird to be doing them for the first time after age, say, 25. Like getting a tattoo or trying ecstasy or anal sex, embarking on a relationship with a drug delivery service seems like the kind of thing that, if you were ever going to do it, you would have done it already by now.

There are two types of people in New York-and, who knows, maybe the world! But actually I think this city's uniquely crushing grind of ambition and disappointment both attracts and breeds ultra-high-functioning kinda-addicts-people who have a dealer and people who are friends with people who have a dealer. You are the second type of person. It's not that you couldn't become the first type of person in the time that it takes to make a phone call, it's just that there seems to be more at stake in the decision to become that person than just money and an awkward moment of trying to make a minute's worth of conversation with someone who goes to NYU.

Cause here is the thing: your friends are not going to come over and smoke *all* your pot. After they leave, you will still have some pot lying around. And then a couple of days later maybe it's raining, and sure, you *could* go out, or, fuck it, you had a long day, you will just make some pasta and sit in front of the tv eating it and watching all the Millionaire Matchmaker episodes that you have DVRed and maybe you'll smoke another bowl and make some weird snack that's like, chocolate syrup inside a rolled-up flour tortilla. AND THEN SUDDENLY THAT IS YOUR ENTIRE LIFE.

I think what Emily Post would say is, go ahead and straightforwardly ask your friends to BYOM, but make it clear that they aren't supposed to bring anything else and then make sure you have plenty of delicious
snacks and wine for them when they come over. Or you could try having a non-high hang with them and see how that goes. Who knows what reality TV is like when not seen through a veneer of mind-altering substances? Certainly not your trusty answer person.

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59 Comments / Post A Comment

KarenUhOh (#19)

There's gonna come a time, when you're gonna go, with whoever gets you the highest.

#56 (#56)

I am also the "second type of person". I still remember how weird I felt the first time I bought my own pack of cigarettes. Hello, my name is mooch.

Rod T (#33)

My suspicion is that Faux Pot is probably unbearable without the weed, so it is very likely that the friends just won't show.

The first type of person, depending on what you want I can call Leo, Jay, or Jose.

Rod T (#33)

OH! And?
I don't drink, but in my home you'll find Ketel One, Jack Daniels, 12-year old Pinch Scotch, mixers and assorted wines. All of which I bought. Because I'm a good host.

homeslice (#527)

rod townsend, you seem like a helluva guy.

mathnet (#27)

Maybe we are all Emily Gould.

Emily (#20)

Well, I sure am.

Law school buddy of mine switched from "second type of person" to "first type of person" waaaaay past 25. (And also way past the time that the rest of us had stopped being daily chocolate-syrup-in-tortilla eaters.) (That sounds totally delicious and I want one right now, btw. And I'm not even high!)

So now we do the occasional mooching off of him that he used to do all the time off of us. Late bloomers DO exist, Faux! Go on, honey. Take a chance!

binkysdream (#173)

It's never too late to try things. I always thought that your 10th anniversary was also known as the anal anniversary.

metoometoo (#230)

I hope you're right. (About how it's never too late to try things, not about the anal.) Last night I baked some chocolate chip pot cookies as a Mother's Day gift for my mom, who doesn't smoke. Yet.

And when you leave a social function where you brought your own wine coolers, you should not take the extras with you.

I found out the hard way.

Fredrick (#268)

Some kid did that at a party a couple weeks ago and before his car had even started, people were shitting on him behind his back.

maebefunke (#154)

move to Vancouver, BC where the government basically subsidizes your weed, and your dealers include your landlord, your housewife neighbor, and your graduate supervisor, among others.

JorgeAdot (#605)

Yes yes, we're all pot heads here. Bring a bong, bring your wife, bring your gay lover, just get your ass up here.

Hez (#147)

As a member of the Vancouver weederati, I take offense. The government does not subsidize my weed. They subsidize my lazy-ass weed smoking LIFESTYLE, but not my weed. (I get that free because I'm the first type of person but have corrupted enough of the second types that my kickbacks are usually smokeable.)

NinetyNine (#98)

They definitely think you are a mooch. Having your own dealer more a sign of being a grown up than having a therapist.

katiebakes (#32)

I invited Amy Winehouse to weigh in, and here's the advice she gave:

Tell your boyfriend next time he around
To buy his own weed and don't wear my shit down
I wouldn't care if he would give me some more
I'd rather him leave you than leave him my drawer

When you smoke all my weed man
You gotta call the green man
So I can get mine and you get yours

Moff (#28)

God, her metaphors are so tough to parse.

By the way, I'm An Olde, and I'm still holding onto hope for anal.

Pitching, of course.

Rod T (#33)


BlinkyMcChuck (#202)

I wish there was an emoticon for the rush I felt reading that.

Moff (#28)

The least complicated and most NSA way to do things in my experience, at least in New York, is to be a young, super-white dude and stroll aimlessly through Washington Square Park at any time of day, making brief eye contact with anyone with dreadlocks.

After about, oh, 45 seconds, one of the dreadlocked persons will yell, "Hey!" and then you will walk over like "What? OK, I guess I will just go talk to the stranger who yelled at me, as everyone in New York does, all the time." And then they will mention some numbers and you will mention some numbers, and finally they will either tell you to meet them a few blocks away or will drop something on the ground and tell you to step on it, to cover it with your foot, and you will shake hands and surreptitiously pass them $40, all the while wondering if a plainclothes detective nearby is laughing his ass off.

And then you will go home, and the weed will be pretty shitty, and then your normal delivery guy, whom you left a message with two days ago, will finally deign to return your call and tell you he has some Awesome Shit That You Need to Try. Whatever, TNG is on.

At first I though you were replying to clarencerosario.

Moff (#28)

No, anal always costs me more than $40. Everything else pretty much applies, though.

metoometoo (#230)

Until weed is legal, hosts should not be expected to have it on hand out of politeness. If people want to get high, they know it's on them to bring their own.

But here are some things that you can easily buy at the grocery store, no sketchy illegal encounters necessary:

strawberries, blueberries & whipped cream
Ben & Jerry's
Natural Cheetos
yogurt covered raisins
Toaster Strudels
Cinnamon Toast Crunch

In my experience, well-considered munchies are always appreciated, and successfully distract your friends from the fact that you don't have a dealer and are forced to rely on them for a hookup.

mathnet (#27)


RickVigorous (#214)

What the hell is a natural cheeto?

mathnet (#27)

Oh good eye. NOT those natural cheesy poof things from Whole Fools.

Oh no. I bought some natural tortilla chips at my local Madrid health food store and they tasted worse than the kind of generic ones you get in NY State office buildings, prison waiting rooms or third-world subway stations. 10%paprika, 40% garlic salt and 100% lard. NEVER buy snack foods in health food stores. It's like having safe sex in a bus station toilet.

Will you please tell me a story?

metoometoo (#230)

Natural Cheetos are made by Frito-Lay, but with white cheddar cheese instead of that gross orange powder. They are delicious and don't turn your fingers orange.

mathnet (#27)

Oh now I'm really confused.

Rod T (#33)

Until weed is legal, hosts should not be expected to have it on hand out of politeness. If people want to get high, they know it’s on them to bring their own.

That is the most ridiculous thing I have read all day. And then the granola thing?

Oh, wait. You're from San Francisco. Don't come to New York. You'd be savaged.

metoometoo (#230)

I've lived in New York and was there last weekend, actually. No savaging.

WindowSeat (#180)

I'd invite the potheads over and lay out a nice spread of Salvia divinorum, uppers, downer, screamers, laughers, Special K and Russian Weaponized Fentanyl Gas.

MercuryPDX (#65)

Speaking as a "first type of person" I concur with most of the people above. Provide a nice spread and worry not. Occasional smokers like you would not be expected to provide the party favors. :)

I would also not mind helping you take the steps to become a fellow "first type of person" yourself, but that's up to you. Ask if you want to.

Give them a little money and have them buy a bit for you as long s they're dealing. AND feed them a cornucopia of high quality munchies. I've been on both sides of the issue and as a chowhound weedhead, it works for me.

Faux Pot should just hire a "weed caterer" for the occasion.

There is such a thing, isn't there? If not, there should be.

Here are some pot-catering business-naming possibilties, for anyone interested in taking my idea and running with it:

Joints By Joan
Pot Party Planners
This Bong's For Hire

(The first one only works if your name is Joan, of course.)

mathnet (#27)

Doobies Do We

mathnet (#27)

The Flying High

mathnet (#27)

High There

mathnet (#27)

Bud Buddies

FeyBoohoozer (#410)

Mary Jane's Mary Jane

mathnet (#27)

Mary Jane Jones

Hobbesian (#255)

The Ganja Girls
Dope Designs
Panera Bread

mathnet (#27)

All Things Anti-nausea

BlinkyMcChuck (#202)

High Five Guys

It's never too late to try anal.

BlinkyMcChuck (#202)

Thank you!

Isn't the mooching off friends at their house an issue, too? Whatever happened to going bowl-for-bowl?

Luccio (#607)

How about totally instead??? "Hey guys, can I get your guy's number? Just call him and give him a heads up so I can call too."

You might make a friend.

The most sensible approach.

Hez (#147)

Srsly. Nut down and ask for their hookup, big boy. You can always pretend it's because your guy is unreliable and never gets anything nearly as good as they get. They'll probably be flattered, and maybe so will the dude. Your phone's not going to become radioactive or grow legs and turn itself in to the cops just from having one weed guy's number in your saved contacts. (And hey, you probably have a few drug dealers in there already, you just don't know it!)

afarerkind (#379)

Why not offer cash? Don't have to deal with a dealer directly while absolving guilt or resentment from the mooching.

afarerkind (#379)

Panera Bread FTW

miss volare (#553)

Christ, don't forget the adrenochrome!

Flavorina (#638)

Why don't you take a little break and hit a Mexico border town, buy your own, and avoid the middle man?
You just might be harrassed and followed to buy more, but this way you have saved some lives of drug cartel employees and their families.

Way late, but if this person doesn't want to become a type 1, they should bring good munchies over to the friends house. Or beer, or a pound of coffee, or order pizza and pay for it. These friends always have weed, they don't always have a delicious pizza or hummus and pita chips around. They will love you for it.

Do the same when you invite them to your place. By now, they know you don't have weed. A real pothead, if in doubt, always brings their own stash.

Former type 2 and type 1.

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