Shorts: Expensive, Complicated Trousers
Shorts: Not only are they inappropriate for grown men, but apparently, due to complicated structural engineering issues, they are more expensive than pants. I will feel so much better this weekend about my fully-clad legs and sweaty undercarriage. Also of note: "American Apparel sells a decent pair of city shorts for $42, but they look as if they might be from the suburbs." So, yeah, fuck shorts.
I'm thinking utilikilts lately.
No, just no. Unless you're a roofer or a mechanic.
Vivienne Westwood's kilts look pretty good, though.
Though, for the cool shorts, cut off a pair of khakis.
Nuh-uh. My legs are fabulous, the world must know.
Okay a few things!
The Tom Ford shorts that Eric Wilson derides–which is pretty funny, coming from him, in light of his ENTIRE BODY OF WORK at Styles–are really wonderful. For one thing, they look really good on me. They are gorgeous. Like every insanely expensive thing Tom Ford makes, they make you look GREAT.
Unless you are a stumpy little straight man, and in that case, what are you doing looking at Tom Ford clothing anyway?
The Neil Barrett shorts he then goes on to mock are fantastic, wonderful things that can make any man–even stumpy half-Italian half-Jews!–into a summery fun-loving lawn-party sex dwarf. And for the rest of us, they look and feel great.
Also his half-assed poll of retailers glosses over one important point. EVERYTHING that they purchased for spring at Bergdorf's of Neil Barrett, and others, is STILL on the shelves. They, and Barneys, don't know how many shorts they have sold because they are selling very nearly nothing right now. You can't do market research on short trends when the overall economy of the high-end department stores has CRASHED AND BURNED, which, you know, is pretty much what maybe Eric Wilson should be writing about. I was in Bergdorf's on Tuesday and I could hear my own footsteps echoing. The salespeople weren't even standing up.
Fortunately, their secret 40% off sale is occurring momentarily. HOORAY! MORE SHORTS!
This comment was like some wonderful hybrid of a nonexistent supergay version of Racked and Mindy Kaling.
A few responses!
I loathe shorts for both men and women because people tend to: wear shorts that are the wrong length and/or cut for their legs, pair shorts with the wrong footwear, and generally disregard other peoples' eyeballs when the pull a pair of shorts over their pasty-white, bruised, hairy legs.
However, I am sure you look fabulous in shorts! Wear them until it starts to snow! By all means show other people how it's done! But in the meantime I'll break into Old Navy after hours and steal all of their $9.99 hot pants and toss them into the river.
So what you're saying is that you loathe stupid fucking people, not shorts.
I guess I can cancel my therapy session this week. Thanks!
Although I still think it's for the good of humanity to ban shorts (like guns). You just can't stop them from falling into the wrong hands.
I don't do Stiff Leg Deadlifts, Lying Leg Curls, Leg Extensions, Lunges, Hack Squats, Box Squats, and Calf Crunches to be appreciated by the hundred or so people I sleep with in a year. These legs are for the appreciation of all.
NOTE: I copied and pasted the names of those exercises. The above is "in character" as "Rod Townsend".
No I know. I just went outside. THE KNEECAPS I HAVE SEEN.
Egads.
Um. When did you start dressing so gay? (Asked the guy in the white Burberry pinpoint oxford and khaki-colored denim Helmut Lang (from back when it was good) pants and Varvatos for Converse shoes.)
You should stop by Odin with me sometime. We'll go on a spreeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
Behind your back, under your nose!
I think that's the subtitle to this (NSFW-ish) pamphlet.
So Choire. You are so in the know with respect to resort wear, so this seems like a logical question. Has Tom Ford had an ass lift, or is it just those great pants? I've seen the bare ass and it is just plain awesome for a 46 year old so maybe it's not just the cut? And if he has had a lift, do you know his surgeon, because I totally want one just like it.
ZOMG you've seen Tom Ford's bare ass? I've heard it cures leprosy AND rickets.
Shorts rock. It's all about showing off your great man legs. Which is why capri "pants" are always wrong. They aren't pants, and they hide most of your legs to boot.
And, er, thank you.
Where I am, there is A LOT of skull-tattoo screenprinted madras below-the-knee shorts stuff going on making all the chubby grown men look like toddlers. It's enough to turn a guy off legs completely.
They don't look like toddlers. They look like fat girls in koulats at Bible Camp.
I never went to bible camp. Sounds great though.
I think you mean "culottes," but "koulats" sound even less attractive, so I will concede that point to you.
I wear shorts every Sunday morning of the year.
Meh. As a "grown" man, I can take or leave shorts.
But Bloomberg is modeling the worst possible scenario: socks and shorts. NEVER, unless you are engaged in an athletic activity, should you EVER wear socks with shorts.
Absofuckinlutely
Oxford cloth or seersucker. Always plain front, no more than 9" inseam. Spend less than $100.
If the Pittsburgh country clubs are going to let you eat dinner at their clubhouses, the least you can do is look nice. Plus, your undercarriage will thank you.
WELL THANK GOD SOMEONE HERE HAS SOME SENSE.
I say, sweat it out like the goths. I am.
And if you wear shorts, exfoliate, moisturize and sunblock. A lot of people get skin cancer on the backs of their legs.
The footwear is really what sells the shorts. I can't really describe it, but I know it when I see it.
Does Home Depot have the new range of "summery fun-loving lawn-party sex dwarves" in yet? I'm looking for one with a water feature.