We don't always cover every story that happens during each day's news cycle, so here's a capsule summary of recent events: President Barack Obama delivered a commencement address at the University of Notre Dame on Sunday in which he appealed to those on both sides of the abortion issue to seek common ground "on the topics where we all agree, like Mel Gibson knocking up his girlfriend. How many kids does that guy need?" India's ruling Congress party received a sweeping mandate in the nation's parliamentary election; officials celebrated by razing the homes of anyone involved with Oscar-winning film Slumdog Millionaire. The United Nations is poised to name former President Bill Clinton its special envoy to Hooters. Real estate developer Donald Trump announced that he estimates his net worth based on a complex logarithm composed of such variables as "the pollen count," "the number of new entries in Billboard's Heatseekers Chart," and "how much wood a woodchuck would chuck if such a thing were possible." Caroline Kennedy denied rumors that she withdrew her candidacy for appointment to New York's vacant Senate seat at the request of Anna Wintour. Newsweek unveiled its new design; the 76-year-old weekly will now be composed solely of photos captured from airport "whole body imaging" screeners. The Fox television network announced that it was cancelling ABC's "Samantha Who?" Michael Phelps decided to retire from acting to focus on Ashley Olsen's fashion career. New search engine Wolfram Alpha is watching you. The Earth continued to revolve around the sun.