The other day I went to the grocery store and selected two bananas to enjoy for my breakfast to go along with some nutritious and highly-educational coffee I conscientiously and economically prepared at home instead of my typical styro-purchase. I went to the register with my two bananas and handed the guy a 20-dollar bill for my 55-cent purchase. He looks at the 20 and says, "You gotta be kidding." So now I'm like fuck, somebody slipped me one of those fake double-sawbucks I always see taped up on the plexi at the liquor store(s), goddammit! How the fuck did I let that happen?!?

But he then say, "You got anything smaller?" And I go all fishing around in my pockets (even though I knew my current Net Worth was that solitary Jackson) and then I'm all "Oh! why, er, no, this is all I have, sorry." Somehow (I wasn't watching closely because I was in some sorta hazy guilt-fugue state, reflecting on my feelings of being a Bad Customer) he manages to figure out a way from somewhere in his cash register full of money to give me Nineteen Dollars and Forty-Five cents change, and I'm outta there with my fucking bananas, which I didn't even want to fucking buy in the first place from the groceries because what I originally had in the little food-picture thought-balloon over my head was a nice toasty bagel avec butter, sitting there on my desk next to my travel-mug fulla coffee yum-yums but the goddamn deli in the groceries didn't have any fucking bagels, all they had were the "Portuguese Water Rolls" or something like that, and I was having difficulty featuring "Portuguese Water Roll" toasted and buttered in my bagel-dense food-balloon, and when you go for the Baked Goods and there's only One Kind of thing left, that's not exactly an endorsement for that Thing, yes?

So I went Plan B, popped the bagel balloon and hypnotized myself into figuring two bananas would work against the coffee, but anyway I'm outside the groceries talking to myself inside my head at that fucking Grocery Clerk who made me Feel Bad for making him make change, like don't get mad at me because i only have 20 you didnt have bagels so i bought banana not my fault woulda spent more for bagels not my fault two bananas only cost 55 cents not my fault its all i needed you have drawers fulla cash i should get free banana....

There's no punctuation or capital letters inside my head.

I don't even know if bananas are Good For You. I don't think they are, since they are what, starchy sugar, right? Plus, I don't know if this makes sense, but that's not important; bananas are too fucking sweet, you know? Also, they are destroying the Earth because there's only like one kind of banana or something? And they have to burn the rainforest? Right? Bananas are fucking Evil, man, I need to stop buying them. They have a powerful political lobby, I bet, like Corn does. I have previously gone on record professing my enjoyment of the Corn, but also my hatred of the High Fructose Corn Syrup, which is corrupt and has an artificial low-low discount price so the soda pop manufacturers can sell more for less and get errbody in the habit of drinking mega-portions and become addicted, like me. Until now! The soda pops have figured out some people want to get fat old-school, so they have Time-Machine-invented soda pop with sugar in it instead of the jarabe de maíz, like the exciting Mountain Dew "Throwback" which like the delicious McRib sandwich, is available for a limited time only to trick you into tasting it."

So look, now that everybody is over the Swine Flu, or at least the Panicdemic part, we gotta focus. I don't mean to brag or anything, but since I didn't panic, I totally forgot I was completely prepared for Everything, because I went out and bought Plastic Sheets and stuff when My Country told me to go out and buy that shit for the War on Freedom. Also I have a kayak tethered to the top of my house for the next Katrina/Global Melting event. But look man, we have to begin the War on High Fructose Corn Sweetener and ADM's cushy deal trying to get all our automobiles addicted to Corn with the subsidies and stuff. Subsidies are only for Failing Businesses, man. If you got a business that isn't bankrupt, that shit should be un-subsidized right away. Write to your Government Repesentative, in writing, and tell them to get all Healthy Businesses off the subsidies, man, seriously. But look, we need to get our Sugar Supply in order for the Future, when Americans like Me will have the option to enjoy excess calories made out of un-subsidized White Sugar, OK? So let's get going on a deal with Cuba, and unfreeze that shit, man, before the Chinese get to it! We gotta lock up all the sugar cane action!

Mr. Wrong appears every three weeks or so in the Baltimore City Paper, which is not frequently enough, hence he is here. He'll Tumbl with ya!

Previously: Do This Now For The Future