Mr. Wrong: Do This Now for the Future

America's Best Newspaper Typist™ Joe MacLeod is available to speak motivationally at pretty much anywhere in the Lower 48. Here is an exciting preview of how he can inspire the youths.

Around this time of year I like to remind the Public I am available (for a Modest Homorarium) to speak at all manner of Speaking Engagements, but mostly for the Graduation Ceremonies, because I Believe in the Youth of America, so here is this year's address to the College, Junior College, Trade School, or Re-entry Program Graduates of the Year of Our Lord Two Thousand Zero-Zero Party Over Out of Time Niner.

Hey everybody, my name is Joe, and I am an Alcoholic. Oops, that's a different meeting, har! [BRIEF PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER] First of all, con-grad-u-ations, get it? [BRIEFER PAUSE FOR SIGNIFICANTLY LESS LAUGHTER] Anyway, OK, so now you have Graduated and flipped your tassle or whatever and as part of your big day (and one more way Your School spent that all that tuition dough) your Institution of Higher Learning (or Penal) has retained me, a College Graduate, to speak to you on this Important Occasion in an attempt to possibly lay a little advice on you all.

In the past, I have been pleased to encourage you, the Graduate, to go forth and get a fucking Job, tout de suite, like, anywhere you can, OK? I used to say don't be picky you can't get a gig that will allow you to unleash all those Cultural Anthropology, Art History, Political Science, or Business Management skillz, just score something doing whatever, and then endeavor to be the best Whatever-er you can be, until you can find something more in line with that Dream Job or "Career," even, see?

However, in these Uncertain Economic Times, I think flushing a shiny new set of Graduates out on the street will totally fuck shit up for everybody already Out Here trying to Get Paid, so what you need to do is stay in school. Seriously, take One Giant Step back and figure something out; grad school, another degree, train to drive the Big Rigs, anything, man, just stay out of the actual real-deal Work Force so people with jobs (like me) can keep those fucking jobs, OK? Staying in school will be a tremendous Economic Stimulus to the Education Industry, see? We need to keep any Industry still breathing normally out there going if we can, OK?

The goddamn President of The United States of America is talking about guaranteeing the fucking warranty on cars people buy just so they will fucking buy a new car from a company that's gonna go bankrupt, man. This year We The People (not you, I'm talking about the ones who Have Jobs and fucking Pay Taxes) are handing out eight thousand bucks to anybody who can get their shit together enough to buy a house, because that will keep the Housing and Real Estate Industries rolling, so you need to do your part and keep the Academia Industry going, especially if I can get my Honorary Degree and then get a cush job teaching you some shit, get it? I need Tenure, man!

If you got some sorta parents you can sponge off, move back in and start applying for more school. If you're sitting on some kinda Nest Egg that hasn't completely melted, then go live off that shit and relax for a coupla years. Good times. Your dollar will go a lot farther in Old Mexico, so don't be scared by all that Swine Flu stuff, OK? It's just some sorta Flu that kills the weak and undermedicated, just like every other fucking Flu, and it will totally blow over after a while. If you're worried about it, go wash your hands.

Hey, how about this; if you are a Do-Gooder, awesome, go get some sorta Do-Gooding gig where they pay you with three hots and a cot, or better yet, figure out a way to like, leave the country and Do Good. That would help America way more than you becoming a Target Team Member because you couldn't get hired at some place that was looking for an American Studies major, you know? Otherwise, what are you gonna do, flip burgers? No offense, but fuck you, there's lotsa people Out Here who are barely holding on to that Taco Bell gig by the grease under their fingernails, and they need that fucking job, and you will totally screw everything up by giving the McJobs System new meat for the grinder, see? Stay out of my Work Force! It's like, oh, what are you gonna do, work in a car factory? Har! Hey, here's a good one, you got a Journalism Degree? Writing? Woo-Ha! That shit is melting like the Icecaps, kids! I just lost an every-other week gig writing a column for a fucking Web site, do you think there's anything left for you to do except devalue the job market? Stay the fuck in some sorta school where you can sit on ass and go watch bands and movies and whatever, OK? Go to school and get wasted for a coupla more years until this shit blows over. There's Grown Folks out here trying to make newspapers without any paper, the newspaper kind and the green kind, so stay the hell outta Genpop and help Your Country. Thank you, good luck, and this does not apply to like, doctors and nurses and police and firefighters and farmers and shit. Thank you.

Mr. Wrong appears every three weeks or so in the Baltimore City Paper, which is not frequently enough, hence he is here. He has himself A Tumblr!