There's a lot going on in America right now, and I might be late to the party on most of this shit, but I was totally all over that Chicken-coupon problem with Oprah, man. I got the Twitter transcripts or whatever you wanna call 'em to prove it; seriously, I was downloading on those coupons as soon as I heard about 'em, and I saw the problem with the serial numbers all being the same unless you downloaded 'em with the official download/printer thing that you had to install, so you could get four coupons, but anyway, people are Hungry, man, that's what's going on in My America, and while I do not support non-fried Kentucky Fried Chicken, Free Food is Free Food, man, I hope you Got Some, plus two sides.

Those fucking mashed potatoes are evil, Jesus Christ, I could eat a whole thing of 'em. In the meantime, when people were getting denied on Chicken look what the sick mofos at Dominos were doing to your fat ass, starting at $5.99, man: puffy macaroni bread!

Wowee, I totally thought Dominos had shot their doughy wad with the cinnamon-flavored dessert-sticks or whatever, for enjoying after you ate a whole fucking pizza, for fuck's sake, but now they got a fistful of macaroni shoved inside a bread glob! It is a certain kind of Genius, seriously, and I almost want one, but I don't think I would get one unless I had a Free Coupon, because they look kinda dry. Where's the sauce? I mean, doesn't a fatass-item like this come avec the Dipping Sauce? Ranch? Honey Sun-Dried Tomato?

Speaking of dry, I can't remember the last time I licked a stamp, what with hardly ever mailing anything in the U. S. Mail anymore on account of the Internet, plus: sticker-stamps, so I'm not as pissed off as I usually am about the recent increase of Postage Stamps to, I dunno, 44 cents? 47? I really don't know, and it's not because I was somehow a Smart Consumer who bought some of those "Forever Stamps" the last time they jacked up the price by some stupid odd amount. And by "odd amount" I don't mean it can be divided neatly into two equal amounts of coins, I mean something that will make that 11p.m. visit to the postage stamp vending machine a successful experience, like, I'm pretty sure the new cost of a stamp is 44 cents, and what kind of a stupid-ass fucked-up amount of postage is that? 44 cents?!?! Raise it to 50 cents! That is an Even number, coin-wise. What am I gonna do with my leftover six cents out of 50, or my leftover 22 cents out of a buck? Keep the fucking change, Post Office! Raise it to a fucking Dollar tomorrow! You guys are doomed by the Internet just like everything else, so the least you could do is hang on to some of your customers by making those annoying stamp transactions more convenient, as if it was ever convenient to wait in a line to buy one stupid goddam fucking postage stamp, Jesus Christ, I hate going to the Post Office to buy one tiny little stamp, so what I do is, like a Good American, I buy More to make it worth the trip, so that like, "hey, I'm totally less of an Idiot for going to the Post Office to buy One Lousy Stamp," but I can't even get a good-looking fun stamp unless I spend seven dollars or whatever, I gotta get the Flag stamp that comes out of the vending machines that sell one stamp at a time, vending machines that take 20-dollar bills and pennies, for Christ's Sake. So I buy more than I need and then I lose the goddamn stamps somewhere in my wallet or my car, and that helps the Economy. Why doesn't Obama just make stamps a buck apiece, wouldn't that be a helpful Retail way to pull in a few bucks for the Government, huh?

In 2007 I totally predicted he would win being President, and I voted for him to make sure it would happen, but lately I can't figure out what he's doing except having a good time being My President. This bullshit with comedienne Wanda Sykes, for instance. When you are The Man, you're supposed to take a good Ribbing as it were, but he hired funnylady Wanda Sykes to come out and piss all over the Previous Admin. That shit is over, man, I don't care if Cheney is out on the lawn naked in his chair, what's supposed to happen is the comedian makes fun of the President, not the exes, man, that's not cool. It's called being a Sore Winner. It's like, chances are you thought Bush 43 was a dingleberry, but he has more class for hiring Television's Stephen Colbert to come up and crap all over him and bomb, with double-awkwardness, than My Obama has for hiring a cheerleader to shock errbody with her nasties, seriously. If I was Obama's Comedy Cabinetmaker, I would be like, "hey man, let's hire that asshole Larry the Cable Guy and watch him break a sweat trying not to say the N-word!" Man, that shit would be Funny, like either Lawrence the Cableman is gonna fuck up and break character outta his Hill-William persona, or else he's gonna say some Racisms! Double-bomb! Hiyo! And that's what you want, man, nobody remembers who kills at that thing as much as who bombs at it, and the Bomb is always the better story for the comedian, right? Anyway again, I am reasonably sure I predicted Barack Hussein Obama was gonna win before I heard anybody else say it, and I didn't get any pundit-action out of it, nothing, no credit for my Political Acumen, but I am still Pundit, man, and I say My Obama needs to stop campaigning to his Base, man, put it out there and lose some Approval Points! Start acting more Presidential! And like, Larry the Cable Guy or Dane Cook next time, please. Good times.

Mr. Wrong appears every three weeks or so in the Baltimore City Paper, which is not frequently enough, hence he is here. He can't stop the Tumbls!

Previously: The Banana Lobby