Via Romenesko, bad news for Playboy: Folio reports that the publisher announced first quarter losses of $13.7 million, forcing the company to consider "'radical changes' to its print business model," including increasing prices, lowering the rate base, and publishing less frequently. We asked Playboy founder and Chief Creative Officer Hugh Hefner to comment on the turmoil affecting his creation. He graciously agreed.*

Look, I'm not naïve. I know that massive technological changes have changed the face of media. I understand that every sector of the industry is facing unprecedented challenges as it confronts this great disruption. I'm well aware that no one is immune to the way new delivery systems have altered revenue models and that end users are no longer willing to pay for content that they can get elsewhere for free. But for the love of God, I cannot comprehend why people won't shell out for our airbrushed snatches anymore.

I started Playboy with a simple dream: a dream of making millions of dollars from airbrushed snatches. Who doesn't love an airbrushed snatch? Who wouldn't want a collection of new airbrushed snatches delivered to their homes on a monthly basis? What red-blooded American male could turn down the opportunity to gaze upon the airbrushed snatch of an up-and-coming starlet, or a sexy young Big Ten co-ed, or the girl next door? We are talking about high quality airbrushed snatches here. As my father once said to me, "Son, the only thing in life that sells itself is an airbrushed snatch."

Hell, I even anticipated that some folks-wives, ministers, postal inspectors-might have objections to airbrushed snatches. So I surrounded the airbrushed snatches with amazing journalism, amusing cartoons, reviews of stereophonic systems, and the timeless artwork of LeRoy Neiman. A man could very plausibly explain that, while he had no real interest in airbrushed snatches, his intellectual curiosity compelled him to read Lawrence Linderman's 20-page interview with Joseph Wambaugh. And then he could secretly enjoy the airbrushed snatches.

Let me tell you something: You'll hear a lot of talk about how our airbrushed snatches are out of date these days. You can find amateur snatches all over the Internet, for free. And not just inert snatches; these are snatches that are doing stuff, or having stuff done to them. "Your airbrushed snatches are too elitist, too removed from what people want now. You've spent too much time thinking your airbrushed snatches performed an irreplaceable service," people tell me. This could not be more wrong.

I want you to picture a world where our airbrushed snatches no longer exist. Sure, you'll still be able to find snatches wherever you want, but they're going to be low-quality snatches. You need an organization where dedication to the craftsmanship of airbrushing is in its DNA. Will sexbloggers or horny couples from Nebraska with a cheap camera and a MySpace page be able to convey the same ethereal quality of snatchdom that our years of snatch airbrushing provide on a regular basis? Do these people understand the ethics that underpin the art of erasing a stray hair from a snatch? Are they really going to bring the same expertise to bear on those airbrushed snatches? How much airbrushed snatch corruption will go uncovered when an outfit like mine no longer exists?

I fear for the future of such a world. All the reasons I've outlined above should be more than enough to convince you that the airbrushed snatch industry needs help, and needs it desperately. But I can see that you're already drifting away. Very well, then. I never thought I'd hear myself saying this, but you leave me no option. Time for Plan B: We'll have to go with the "bleached anuses" model. I hope you're happy.

*No he didn't, I made this up.