Do not eat: SnackMaster
All Natural Gourmet Ahi Tuna Jerky.
Because: Pescatarians are to bulimics what vegans are to anorexics.* Go hard or go home. Extreeeeeme!
Do eat: Wawa brand mesquite smoked Beef Jerky original flavor.
Because: This and that one rollercoaster Kingda Ka are the only two reasons to ever visit Jersey.
Beef jerky gets a bad rap. Beloved by protein fetishists-ketosis-crazed white hats and irono-monocled micro douches-this salted and cured pabulum sketches some people out for relying on too old a school of food preservation. Like, circa, potatoes = poison. But people who don’t fuck with jerky are retards. Check it out: When the shit hits the fan, I have in my Apocalypse GoBag 37.5 oz of mesquite-flavored, coenzyme-making amino acids IN SUSPENDED ANIMATION and the loser zombies can suck it ’cause I’ll be so strong I’ll kill them all. And for comestibles that most closely resemble a scab, Wawa’s jerky is the most flavorful and succulent for satisfying your own flesh hankerings.
Sold in a chain of convenience stores named after a town in Pennsylvania, and peppered around mid-Atlantic regions where “people” say, “jawn” or “Camaro,” Wawa is not, as earlier suspected, a word exclusive to the phenomenon of everyone sounding all Charlie Brown’s teacher-ish upon the huffing of nitrous. And unlike the ubiquitous, point-of-purchase Oh Boy Oberto! brand (Their web site is called eatlikeanalpha.com. Can’t make this shit up. Also, how did they miss “eatlikeanal”?), Wawa’s got the goods. The desiccated chum-looking, overly petrified, broken-off bits and the stray slivers of silver skin that you chalk up to the cost of doing jerky business aren’t included here. The stuff in this pouch looks as it ought-the uniform smooth muscle tissue of anatomy books.
And while we’re eating with our eyes, the awesome art direction merits note. I swear, it’s like Tom Selleck fired up the Photoshop and he, and that Brawny paper towel guy, did maybe four to seven mock-ups and finally decided the ol’ “mountains in the background, with a respectably boyish blue line in the middle and a serif font with a nice, thick, black outline that’s just PERFECT for a) jerky or b) cigarettes targeted exclusively to children of the 1950s” was On. The. Money. And, boy, were they ever right.
This jerky looks good and is good for you.** It’s low-cal, low-carb and high in protein. You can eat a piece, drink water and reconstitute it in your belly. And if you’re a big fat Rexi, throw in some sugar-free Red Bull and a bump of Adderall you’ve got yourself a nice steak dinner. Mmmm… salad days.
*Actually, vegans can go fly a kite. Shitbirds.
**Except for you hypertension types.
$5.75 for a 3.75 oz bag