Monday, May 18th, 2009

Gluttony: Wawa Brand Mesquite Smoked Beef Jerky Original Flavor

GLUTTONY!Do not eat: SnackMaster All Natural Gourmet Ahi Tuna Jerky.
Because: Pescatarians are to bulimics what vegans are to anorexics.* Go hard or go home. Extreeeeeme!
Do eat: Wawa brand mesquite smoked Beef Jerky original flavor.
Because: This and that one rollercoaster Kingda Ka are the only two reasons to ever visit Jersey.

Beef jerky gets a bad rap. Beloved by protein fetishists-ketosis-crazed white hats and irono-monocled micro douches-this salted and cured pabulum sketches some people out for relying on too old a school of food preservation. Like, circa, potatoes = poison. But people who don't fuck with jerky are retards. Check it out: When the shit hits the fan, I have in my Apocalypse GoBag 37.5 oz of mesquite-flavored, coenzyme-making amino acids IN SUSPENDED ANIMATION and the loser zombies can suck it 'cause I'll be so strong I'll kill them all. And for comestibles that most closely resemble a scab, Wawa's jerky is the most flavorful and succulent for satisfying your own flesh hankerings.

Sold in a chain of convenience stores named after a town in Pennsylvania, and peppered around mid-Atlantic regions where "people" say, "jawn" or "Camaro," Wawa is not, as earlier suspected, a word exclusive to the phenomenon of everyone sounding all Charlie Brown's teacher-ish upon the huffing of nitrous. And unlike the ubiquitous, point-of-purchase Oh Boy Oberto! brand (Their web site is called Can't make this shit up. Also, how did they miss "eatlikeanal"?), Wawa's got the goods. The desiccated chum-looking, overly petrified, broken-off bits and the stray slivers of silver skin that you chalk up to the cost of doing jerky business aren't included here. The stuff in this pouch looks as it ought-the uniform smooth muscle tissue of anatomy books.

And while we're eating with our eyes, the awesome art direction merits note. I swear, it's like Tom Selleck fired up the Photoshop and he, and that Brawny paper towel guy, did maybe four to seven mock-ups and finally decided the ol' "mountains in the background, with a respectably boyish blue line in the middle and a serif font with a nice, thick, black outline that's just PERFECT for a) jerky or b) cigarettes targeted exclusively to children of the 1950s" was On. The. Money. And, boy, were they ever right.

This jerky looks good and is good for you.** It's low-cal, low-carb and high in protein. You can eat a piece, drink water and reconstitute it in your belly. And if you're a big fat Rexi, throw in some sugar-free Red Bull and a bump of Adderall you've got yourself a nice steak dinner. Mmmm… salad days.

*Actually, vegans can go fly a kite. Shitbirds.
**Except for you hypertension types.

$5.75 for a 3.75 oz bag

· Nuvo
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35 Comments / Post A Comment

hethyrworld (#717)

Please, please, please correct your comparison statement.

Is it supposed to be pescatarians are to vegans what bulimics are to anorexics? Or pescatarians are to vegans what anorexics are to bulimics?

Do not question the Choi.

No seriously, she'll KILL US ALL.

BlinkyMcChuck (#202)

Seriously, I love her. Also, I ate beef jerky while reading this.

bb (#295)

I think the gist is that pescatarians are people with the vague aesthetics of vegetarianism but who don't go all the way; likewise (this is tricky), vegans are high-stress food-conscious people who don't just go ahead and call it an eating disorder. It still doesn't quite work– if that is what she's trying for, that is.

Right. Pescatarians are "almost" vegetarians and vegetarians are "almost" vegans. Bulimia is "almost" a respectable eating disorder save that the shit won't make you lose weight* . Ergo, that hethyrworld person is probably right since it's a measure of hardcoreness: pescatarians are to vegans what bulimics are to anorexics. Please, please, please I WILL KILL YOU.

*Other than the enamel of your teeth and maybe bone marrow. Milligrams tops.

BoHan (#29)

You can yell out "Hey You Stupid Pescatarian" at a gay bar and 90% of the crowd will think you mean them. It's all about the pecs.

I think it's that hopeful, yet ultimately dead-end asterisk that's really maddening. Funny comparison though!

Tulletilsynet (#333)

And also while we're eating with our eyes, I'll have some of what Mary's having. I seriously don't know who writes better jerky reviews. This is a better jerky review than any blog deserves. The mainstream media will never attain jerky writing of this order. You paid her HOW MUCH for this jerky review?

Tulletilsynet (#333)

Can I be irono-monocled? Are those monocles mind-forged?

Clare (#516)


Fredrick (#268)

Hmm. What's your stance on Slim Jims?

Decline. Do not eat. Also, do not eat the "deluxe" nugget iteration or the kind that's spooled inside a hockey puck-type "chaw" tin. Also no pickled sausages not even if they're packaged alongside that hermetically sealed rectangle of pasteurized cheesefood. Cute but too freaky. Altho, I do eat pepperoni which feels like it's basically a really big slim jim cut really thin.

Also, I love that Hormel has wallet packs. RESPECT. And above review deliberately omits Thai or Asian jerky which is juicy and delicious but impractical since the zombies can smell that shit from miles away.

Fredrick (#268)

So much to consider. Late-night Quick Chek trips just got so sophisticated.

Tuna Surprise (#573)

Slim Jims are to real jerky what hot dogs are to pork chops. Just ground up lips and anus.

Fredrick (#268)

So tasty with beer, though. Not lips and anus; Slim Jims, I mean. Noted though!

Abe Sauer (#148)

It seems like lips and anus would be MORE exclusive as harvesting them would be more difficult, no?

bb (#295)

Wawa has remarkably good food (and selection!).

Olivia (#718)

Dearest Mary HK Choi, how I've missed your food musings and use of language far beyond my master-cleanse-challenged brain, since we haven't shared a desk in over nine months! I agree with Tulletilsynet, this jerkey review belongs in Jerky Gourmet Magazine and whatever it is they pay you, you deserve the mostest.
P.S. what about jerky snuff?

But why is jerky so expensive? Shit is like fucking Beluga!

Tulletilsynet (#333)

Because it is steak concentrate.

BoHan (#29)

Rowser! Jerky-wrapped dried yam bits are delish! And a full meal! They're actually for the dog I think, but since this is apocalypse time you can't get too picky.

Alton Brown had a whole show on making jerky. Totally legit, yo! I was sorely tempted to experiment until I remembered that my entire kitchen is the size of one of the box fans (yes!) he used to dry the meat.

hman (#53)





Wawa is a pretty fantastic quickie mart chain. The only ones that can top it are Sheetz and United Dairy Farmers.

BlinkyMcChuck (#202)

I'm testing out the Trader Joe's brand right now. It's a bit of all right. I recommend it.

Wawa, Jerky, Murder, ah, I miss Fluffiya.

katiebakes (#32)

Totes disagree re Kingda Ka. Nitro is the far superior coaster.

Thoughts on El Toro?

katiebakes (#32)

Wooden coasters are great because there's always the danger of some young punk burning the thing to the ground. Approve.

@Brooklyn Battery: Sheetz is pretty ok, but UDF brand ice cream is amazing. And its the next block over.

The only thing good about Wawa is that where there is a Wawa, there are also likely Tastykakes.

mathnet (#27)


gdewar (#724)

this line alone makes me want to build several churches in this woman's honor:

"Check it out: When the shit hits the fan, I have in my Apocalypse GoBag 37.5 oz of mesquite-flavored, coenzyme-making amino acids IN SUSPENDED ANIMATION and the loser zombies can suck it ’cause I’ll be so strong I’ll kill them all."

lighter lit. because you rock!

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