If there’s one 40-foot-tall glaring victim in the whole Manny Ramirez Experience it is the word “Fun.” When it comes to Fun, Manny was always non-stop, dumpster-diving, swimming-pool-filled-with. Should anyone be surprised if Manny doped (or just accidentally was taking lady pills prescribed to him by Dr. Nick from “The Simpsons”)? Hey, man, be surprised if it helps your process. But every human being who ever hit a homer ever probably took something at some point to do something. And professional wrestling is a little fake. And Muhammad Ali and Joe Frazier really hated each other. And Osama Bin Laden reports to work every day at the Pentagon into the cubicle right next to Bill O’Reilly. You accept the illusions you want to accept in this world. Everything else you pay for and will eat every damn crumb of.
Manny was an endless well of Mannyfied Mannytasticness. We accepted the myth of his autistic magical barefoot obliviousness as if when you poured water on it it made its own gravy. As a recovering Bostonian I spent many a cold winter evening believing that only I understood Manny and appreciated all he brought to the game. Baseball can be boring and Manny is the atom bomb. The greatest righthanded swing of all time was wrapped in an enigma that (it’s official) No One Ever Understood And If They Told You They Understood They Were Full of Shit. Rip up the scouting report you have on this guy. He was taking the Steroid Morning After Pill. Turn the lights off at Cooperstown and tell Timmy to shave off the dreadlocks.
Will Manny return July 3rd and lead the Dodgers to the Pennant? Of course. It’s obviously the Cubs’ year, so the Dodgers will be playing the Tampa Bay Rays in November. Will he lead them to a World Series, making adorable Vin Scully have to eat every last shred of his own classiness? Ah, no. New England Patriot cheaters paid the ultimate price. Judge not lest ye be judged. God is a cruel god. Holocausts go on undeterred. But try to cheat at sports and the other team will win at the last minute. There will be no love in Mannytown in 2009. Just the bitter dripping saline of a popped fake left boob.
Drugs in sports are a serious issue that everyone should (donkey noises). No one gives a fuck about where the cotton candy at the circus comes from. Or what it takes to make a fine sausage. It’s just tasty. Just because you’re fat and old and once thought you could play short doesn’t mean your opinion about How Baseball Ought to Be matters. Manny is not a symbol of anything, Understanding why he did what won’t make us smarter. Guys do stupid shit. Because we’re stupid and we think we won’t get caught. But everyone always gets caught for everything all the time.
Let’s just all make our Manny jokes and then let him come back. We can boo him all we want at all the parks from Citi Field to the Galapagos. We can shake our head and bitch about the state of the game all we want. But if there was a pill that would make me hit One Home Run Ever but sadly kill everyone in Rwanda I would have already taken it by now. Just shut up and eat the sausage, St. Francis. The Five Act Tragedy of the Manny Show is only on like Act 3. Set your DVR to kill. Remember: we’re Americans. We love it when people Fail.