The Awl Office Seating Chart
This morning people were all like, "Oh okay, publishing Gawker's office seating chart is one thing, but to be fair, shouldn't you post your own? Okay, fine!
Here we are in the East Village.
Sad.
Also there are lots of bagel chips. On the floor.
Weirdly, this looks exactly like my office. Except that I stack my Balk on top of the sweaters.
Tell us more! What are you wearing?
I think the map implies they've taken off their sweaters and are typing bare-chested.
See I thought "sweaters" meant the Mexican day laborers that Balk always keeps around for cornholing and the odd stucco job.
where's the condoms?
They don't need condoms. They've just been tested. They can pull out anytime they want. They're in control. They love us, don't we love them? Don't we believe….ah, shit.
Is there a latch on the stall at this place?
This IS the stall.
In the interest of full disclosure, the location of the bottle of Wild Turkey must be added to the chart.
Where the hell are Cho's shoes?
(that is just so much fun to say)
How much do you guys pay per pageview?
He's back, mofos! Good to see you.
Hah, thanks! This place is cooler anyhow.
DudesOnCam.com?
I thought the cat got dumped in the Hamptons.
yes, but then the cat made out with Josh on a train back from the Hamptons… and it all went downhill from there.
awesome.
Are name placards available?
134???? That's some slow bullshit on my part.
consider yourself lucky.
Do you have a crate for Blakeley?
No AWLCats please.
I'm starting to feel like I'm from Arkansas, and have been reunited with my six husbands, eight wives, 27 kids, 144 grandchildren and The Stray Cats.
I feel like I just woke up from a remarkable dream. And you were there, and you, and you, and you, and some of it was terrible and some of it was wonderful but all the same I kept saying I want to go home. Instead, they sent me to this home.
BTW, when does Richard start?
This??? This is my main question. Richard! Richard! Then life will be complete and perfect and we can all explode with joy.
Jesus, come on. I just GOT here.
Oh too much about TV with that one.
Sorry.
This configuration is a HR nightmare. Need clarity on whether cat is direct report to Choire or on a separate flowchart. I see a decade of lawsuits here.
That's witty.
Where do I place personal ads on this site?
You just did.
1st comment: I don't know why I expected anything different in the comments than an ex-Gawker-commie fuckfest. No one here misses a beat. If I were nostalgic, and I'm not, then I would be nostalgic right now thinking about how I used to see all of you online daily about 3 temp jobs ago.
Carry on!
Ooh, #149. That's gotta hurt.
Yeah, I was hoping Winstanley, my dog who died when I was 8 years old, would be here but instead it's just SarahHeartburn telling Smails to wear a condom. Total bullshit.
Everyone knows if you don't want to get her pregnant, you just gotta stick a Butterfingers Buzz bar into her Gruyere cave.
Stupid democrats.
I AM ENJOYING YOUR "CLEAN DESK" POLICY IMMENSELY.
Carry on.
Choire: Pass the salt.
Balk: What?
Choire: I said "Pass the salt".
Balk: What?
Choire: I said "PASS THE FUCKING SALT"
Balk: Why are you at the head of the table?
Choire: SALT AND NO FURTHER QUESTIONS.
Cat: Fuck.
Sweaters: Oh dear.
CROSS-POLINATION!!!
cross-POLLINATION. Spoiled by the old days of the Gawker preview box.
I am thoroughly spoiled by the preview box. If I'd had a life preview box it would have prevented many wrong decisions over the years. And yet I still click the 'submit' button.
I'm guessing your organization chart would have much more to do with the passing of cigarettes and ashtrays and lighters. But you know, I'm down with that, as we used to say, back in the day (as we used to say).
But where are your sweaters?
Will there be a pin-up gallery?
Balk's cock have it's own floor?
Have you been sold for stock options yet?
Nobody puts Baby in a corner. Choire's name is not Baby. Therefore, corner.
Do you just call down to David Cho when there are emails about advertising? Is he just loitering around the doorway? Not telling you how to run your business, but that seems a bit inefficient. And tiring! But I guess he has some pretty supportive footwear, so carry on.
Also, what are the cat's editorial responsibilities? He's not listed anywhere on the masthead.
PS: I think Brian Van wants a job folding sweaters and vaccuming up bagel chips. But depending on his time management skills and the size of the pile, he might have to get to the chair of crap next week.
David Cho, down on First Street, cold rockin a sandwich board and a tin cup