Monday, April 20th, 2009

Social A's: My Saddle's Waiting, Come And Jump On It

Social A's!This week: how to deal with gross, disgusting body parts of a potential partner (which are not enclosed by the pants).

The original Social Q, from the New York Times: "I recently started dating a guy who is smart, funny and successful. But he has longish fingernails, which completely gross me out. On our second date, he wanted to hold my hand, which I promptly refused. How can I tell someone I just met to please cut their nails, or it's over? Anonymous"

Haha, why do I feel like "hold my hand" is just as much of a euphemism here as it was in the lyrics of the Beatles' first #1 song? I mean, you do not have to be an especially smart hysterical teenager to figure that one out, right? "And when I touch you (on your … hand?) I feel happy, inside/it's such a feeling that my love I can't hide …" Ew, this song still creeps me out. "My 'love' (hint: boner) I can't hide?"

Basically "I Want To Hold Your Hand" is more explicit than Ginuwine's 1996 song "Pony" (which only went to #6 on the Billboard charts but still gets plenty of airplay on WEMI, the radio station in my mind that specializes in terrible mid-90s R&B, songs from musicals, and commercial jingles. By the way, the cover art for that Ginuwine single is shockingly understated and pretty, leading me to conclude for the 11,000th time that my teen years might as well have happened in a different CENTURY. Well, they technically did, but you know what I mean. 1996 was really its own thing. Also popular in 1996: Nine Inch Nails! Yes! You knew I would circle back around to the topic at hand eventually! Tipper Gore!Talk about songs that are way too obscene to potentially be playing on the radio when one is in the car with one's mom: "I want to what you like an animal?" We were in the parking lot of the White Oak Library when this happened, I remember it very vividly. In that moment I wished that Tipper Gore had won, so that I wouldn't have to defend the free speech rights of someone who thinks it's ok/original to rhyme "penetrate" and "desecrate" (and "complicate"!). And why is it that even though I am, whoa, 13 years older now I am still in the position, sometimes, of defending the merits of music that I don't even like to my mom? Like the other night-I was home for Passover/Easter-I put on Bon Iver during dinner because it was the most dinner-appropriate thing on my iPod, even though I am not a big fan of Bon Iver. I have this thing still where I cannot dig nonsense lyrics, so he lost me at "laughing legs like lily loons" or whatnot.

Anyway, my parents hated Bon Iver and I had to explain why it is good, even though I don't even think it's good! Why is it on my iPod? Are you following me here? Sexually explicit ("I want to feel you from the inside")-or non-explicit in a way that's even creepier than being explicit ("I feel happy inside")-lyrics are not okay, and neither are nonsense lyrics. I'm so glad your question was "what kind of song lyrics do you like, Emily?"

Okay but really, about this guy's long nails. The answer, like it almost always is, is just fucking talk to the person. Say, "I think you are really hot in all other respects but the reason I didn't let you touch my vagina the other night was, your nails are too long. Please cut them." The end!

12 Comments / Post A Comment

KarenUhOh (#19)

I'm having some serious deja vu.

Why is there a tattoo of Nick Denton on my wrist?

I was thinking the same thing.

It's like 2007 all over again — but without the asshole president!

"OK, great. Now that we've taken care of the long fingernails, and trimmed that hair … ever consider getting circumsized?"

BoHan (#29)

Gawd, between this and Movieline, I'm completely free of that nagging, disgusting morning after anonymous sex feeling I used to get when reading blogs. Hang in there Emily. You've been missed.

davidwatts (#72)

Somewhere, Cary Tennis is beginning to file a copyright infringement suit. He'll start off doing that, and end up making a cheese sandwich while thinking about Asian politics.

Emily (#20)

Ha! Oh man, so true.

PilgrimSoul (#73)

All this place needs is Pareene and Moe and I'm set for life.

Why write a letter to the New York Times about it? Just wait till things get hot and heavy and then gently yank off one of those nails with a pair of needle-nose pliers you've thoughtfully hidden between the sofa cushions beforehand. Either he'll get the hint or he'll get to like it.

I disagree; To the questioner I offer the following: From an evolutionary perspective, long nails deter predators and protect the smartness, funniness and successlocity that you value in a mate. Cutting his nails makes him less repulsive and risks diluting his attentions. Because "smart, funny and successful," as opposed to big penis, fun tee-shirts and membership in Best Buy RewardZone, are your judging criteria, you are not deep. Grab this fellow, never let him go and discourage showering.

LilyBlue (#166)

No, no, no! Long nails on men? Why??? Either a cocaine addiction, or some strange OCD symptom.

My reply to the questioner would be this: Ask him WTF is up with his long-ass nails. Do not attempt to conceal the expression of disgust on your face as you pose the question. Evaluate his answer in light of everything you know about men who insist on having long-ass nails.

(And, I just need to say…EEEEEWWWWW!)

Ms. Heartburn,

I like your approach, especially the "or he’ll get to like it" part.


redletter (#366)

Sigh….Emily…..I've missed you too long.

As hard as it is to POLITELY tell people the truth (your fingernails are too long, your breath stinks, your body is lumpy, Are you in yet?) you never let yourself down in the end.
I am a happy camper that this site is up. The three of you guys write in a language I can finally read once more.


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