Social A's: How You Should And Shouldn't Do Karaoke
Dear Answer Lady,
I'm new to karaoke. How should and shouldn't I go about doing it?
Thanks,
Cherry-aoke
Dear Cherry-aoke,
What are the odds that you would ask this question after I did karaoke last night? Crazy. It's almost like you don't exist and I made up your question so that I would be able to talk about a pet topic.
So, one of the reasons that I am qualified to be an expert on karaoke etiquette is that I have in the past been a total psychotic abject failure of it. Yes: I have been that girl who ruins your birthday party by singing a song from Pippin when everyone else just wants to shout along to 'Baby Got Back.' I have also, in the past, snatched the mic out of people's hands because they were "doing it wrong" (sorry Pareene's girlfriend! You caught me on a really, really bad night).
But I've come to recognize the error of my ways, and if the rest of the karaoke-doing world could also come to realize the error of THEIR ways, we could meet halfway and come together in perfect, um. Well. Let's just work on melody for now, I don't want to get too ambitious.
So my problem is that I err on the side of being a total mic-hogging diva who refuses to read the mood of the room when selecting or performing her songs. This is Karaoke Person Type One. I actually have encountered worse examples of this type than myself! I was out with one of them recently. She has an amazing voice but seems not to understand that having an amazing voice is not the point of karaoke. She was halfway through that long-ass Nina Simone ballad about "Youuuuu kiss me, I hear the sound of mandolins," her second or possibly third song in a row, when someone said, "Uh, should we all just leave so that you can be alone with this song?" Exactly, and exactly what not to do. You must always keep in mind that you are performing for other people. It's ok to take pride in your performance, but an obvious and useful metaphor here is sex: you are having fun by making it possible for someone else to have fun, and if you're not, you might as well be doing it by yourself.
Also, long slow songs like that one are a huge faux pas unless you are an amazing master and you've perfected your French-Canadienne accent and are about to wow me with "It's All Coming Back To Me Now," because I've always fantasized about someone doing that. "There were nights of endless pahleahhsshure!"
Karaoke Person Type Two is the opposite of type one: the timid shy karaoke flower who needs the moral support of two or three friends in order to shout the lyrics of 'Like A Virgin' into the microphone with her back to the audience, giggling. No. No! Commit. Commit or go home. If you don't enjoy getting up onstage by yourself and singing in front of people, maybe karaoke is not for you and you should consider an alternative activity, such as: Anything besides karaoke. I understand it's your first time and you're scared, but you'll never get used to the temperature of the water by dipping your toe in. Be brave and relax and for God's sake, face the audience. You know the words!
But actually please avoid that song, or anything else from the Immaculate Collection. Also please avoid:
· Rapping unless you know every single word and can nail it. Rap fail is the worst to watch. Rap success is amazing to watch, especially when a cute girl dominates 'I'm a Flirt' or some such. No one in the history of time has ever succeeded at the rap part of 'Waterfalls' except Lisa Left Eye Lopez and she's dead, so.
· Chumbawamba
· 'Stay,' unless you are ok with everyone singing along. Seriously, it's shocking: Burly muscular tattooed crustpunks will totally belt "keep me cause you know you're just so scared to looooose." Ditto 'What's Up' (4 Non Blondes), which makes me sad because it used to seem like this was my exclusive jam. I guess it's ok that it's not anymore, though, because it is a little sad to have to be like "Twenty-seven years of my life and still, trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination."
· Songs from musicals unless it is a safe space for that. Know your audience. If there are more than five heterosexual men in the room, limit yourself to 'Hunger Strike' and Weezer (stealth gayness).
· Songs no one knows.
· Creed.
· Britney, unless you have a vocoder implanted in your chest.
There are probably more rules that I could think of but I drank bubble tea cocktails last night (why??) and it's time for me to put my head down on my desk for a while.
Previously: Making Plans, Selling Out and the Prisoner's Dilemma of Friendship Communication.
Hey, Em? What exactly are you doing in that photo? Because to me it looks uncomfortably like you're picking nits out of someone's hair. And I'm pretty sure that means there's something wrong with my brain.
Also, this has been a particularly servicey installment.
I am holding up a bunch of grapes I just picked. Only relatives and Alex are allowed to call me Em please.
You mean Balk? And do you get to call him Alex because he gets to call you Em? Or vice versa?
Yes. I don't feel myself to be on a last name basis with him.
Ha! I am totally jealous.
Can I get a ruling on "Birdhouse in Your Soul" or "Istanbul (Not Constantinople)" by They Might Be Giants??
No, those are both bad ideas because I'm pretty sure you don't know all the words.
You would be wrong about that, my dear. Ditto for R.E.M.'s "It's the End of the World as We Know It (and I Feel Fine)."
Maybe it's because I don't live in NYC anymore, but if people are still doing karaoke there may I suggest also wearing old Boy Scout shirts and going to Midnite Bowling with "power pop" playlists on your iPods.
Fine by me.
I'd throw in "Total Eclipse of the Heart" as well. Yeah, we get it, it was in Wedding Crashers.
Yes, anything that was in any movie about karaoke is automatically out: "More Than This," "Cruisin'" etc. Also out for the next month: "I Dreamed A Dream," for obvious reasons.
The Proclaimers' I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles) (I would walk 500 miles) is probably the best entry level karaoke song out there. A real crowd please and off the beaten path, but everyone knows it. Write it down.
"Don't Look Back in Anger" is my ace in the hole.
Wonder Wall probably all time greatness too.
But there's that pesky "havering" (?) issue!
This tune rawx! If you can karaoke it with a Scottish accent — ayvehn behtah!
Never do Karaoke. But if you do, be that drunk girl who simulates getting it from behind with the mike during instrumental passages. That way, I will always have something to think about when that fucking Cranberries song is on the radio.
Thoughts on I Want It That Way?
Pros:
It's short
People secretly like it
It lacks range so there aren't any awkward screeches (all Mariah Carey songs violate this condition)
Everyone knows the words
People can do the whole "call and response" chorus thing.
Cons:
I can't think of any cons.
The best is to have three other people lined up to do the final "you are" "you are" "you are" "you are" before the climactic key-change "Don't want to HEAR you …" This song gets bonus points from me for making no sense whatsoever, in a glorious way. "Tell me why I never want to hear you say that I want it that way." Ok, I'll tell you why you … what? "It?" WHICH way?
up the butt.
We actually parodied that in my law school "follies" and called it Law School Works That Way. If you can imagine, it possibly made even less sense than the original.
emily, i don't know WHO you might've harassed or yelled at that night (maybe my sister? she was there, and performing karaoke, and we look very vaguely alike) but the only time i've performed karaoke in the last 8 years was in chicago. so no apologies necessary!
Pareene's girlfriend!
Ha, now I'm sorry for getting you mixed up with a stranger! Really one of my worst nights of all time.
ZOMG HILARIOUS.
i suppose this is as good of a time as any to ask is "don't you want me?" completely out of the question? i'm talking about a version where the genders are switched, of course.
it's great with all genders.
I've had karaoke success with Duran Duran's Hungry Like The Wolf + Rio, Keane's Everybody's Changing, Hall + Oates' Private Eyes, The Wonders' That Thing You Do, and Fountains Of Wayne's Mexican Wine + Stacy's Mom.
I've had karaoke fail with The Doobie Brothers' What A Fool Believes, Def Leppard's Photograph, and AC/DC's Back In Black. That's because no other human on the planet can sing those songs besides Michael McDonald, Joe Elliot, and Brian Johnson . . .
I OWN the rap from Waterfalls. Don't hate. I memorized it when I was like 12 and discovered in college that it's the best karaoke novelty act ever.
Okay, anonymous internet person, you are officially invited to karaoke all star night, I'm serious.
I ALSO can do that rap and not toally fuck it up. I won't say I own it. I'll say I surprise people with it in a way that's not awful.
I have an aversion to Black Velvet at karaoke.
I have an aversion to Black Velvet in any form or setting.
Never do the Scorpions' Wind of Change. You don't know any of it besides the chorus. Also, you don't have a good Eastern-European-person-singing-in-English voice.
But it's so fun to do the whistling! If you're Doree you should ALWAYS DO 'I SING THE BODY ELECTRIC.'
Ooooh! How 'bout Final Countdown? Same you-don't-know-anything-but-the-chorus issue, but: AD!! And you can pretend to be performing an illuuuuuuusion!
"Disco 2000." Jarvis is many things, but an impossible-to-emulate vocalist is not one of them.
Classic duet, best done over-the-top cheezy: "Endless Love." Even better if you're a gay man with his faghag.
Yes. In the same vein, "Islands in the Stream," "Leather and Lace," "I've Had The Time of My Life," and "All I Need To Know," but in all these cases being able to harmonize with another person and not just have a harmony part to a song memorized come into play somewhat and that is getting into the murky territory of karaoke that has to do with actually knowing how to sing.
I think I love you.
Don't forget "You Don't Bring Me Flowers," done with the genders switched (make sure the girl is willing to commit to an appropriately gruff Neil Diamond impression).
Stalwarts:
"Whole Lotta Love"
"Suffragette City"
But my favorite and most influential karaoke bit has been "Runnin' With the Devil." Get the squeals just right and ye shall be worshipped. Tip: it only works if you have tequila in your bloodstream.
I'm too lazy to Google it, but there is mix out there on the internests of "Running with the Devil" that isolates DLR vocals — no music.
True artisty and true comedy.
I'll do you one better.
http://www.thetyser.com/
That's it, my work day is done.
This might get me fired.
I do a pretty mean "Kung Fu Fighting," but I'd recommend against sitting in the first couple of rows.
This is STILL making me laugh. Like, five minutes have gone by. No shit.
The only appropriate finale can be "Bohemian Rhapsody"
It works best in a private room with about 8 people. Split into 2 groups of 4 each and have a sing off verse for verse.
I did "Knock 3 Times" in Africa of all places – what doesn't jet lag do to me?
I've never sang karaoke, but I want to do a solo version of "Islands in the Stream." But I know my performance will never live up to this.
I did "It's All Coming Back To Me Now" replete with Québécois-accented English. I thought it would kill. It decidedly did not.
That was the longest seven minutes and thirty seconds of my life.
"Rains of Africa" is also a great kareoke song.
Given your name I don't know if you've attempted/wanted to attempt/been encouraged to attempt "For Emily Wherever I May Find Her" but everyone who attended my 25th birthday will tell you DON'T.
Haha! Actually no but I have contemplated "See Emily Play"
I personally own "The End Of The World As We Know It"
(you are now trying to sing that song in your head, and you suck at it)
Also, Emily – photos of Pareene's girlfriend are in order right about now
I've always thought of Whitesnake's Here I Go Again as the perfect karaoke song.
Dude, how did I end up on your blog? And who died and made you a shallownoodle sharing tips with your fan club on how to kiss up to your cretinous karaoke taste? Seriously, like, no offense, but Barney and Friends was a lot deeper than you. Social Brains: How You Should and Shouldn't Bad-Blog: Write about something that people who don't know you, and definitely don't care about you, care about. Like, seriously, gurlfriend!!!
I made the rap mistake. I made it so hard. Pretty sure I broke up The Fugees with that one.
Oh wait I just found something that actually matters (unlike this OUTRAGEOUS BLOG POST ABOUT DRINKING ALL THE TIME) so this poor lady got her son a Wal-Mart Nintendo and inside the box was just a crumpled Chinese newspaper and some stones and the lady and son can't even speak proper English
http://videogames.yahoo.com/events/plugged-in/florida-teen-finds-rocks-in-nintendo-ds-box/1308945
i iz sad now
Choire/Balk, can we introduce commenter executions to The Awl?
Or just regular executions….
Yeah, over here, we actually just murder the person.
Two weeks ago, after two shots of Jameson, I lost my karaoke virginity to Björk's "It's Oh So Quiet." Quite possibly the most liberating moment of my life.
It's Oh So Quiet is only good if you can do the dance and shush people Björkily. My friend Alex is a pro.
Other tips:
+ Any song by Duran Duran wins. See: Electric Barbarella.
+ The Partridge Family or the Mamas and the Papas are probably the only really old songs worth doing. No one wants to hear your boring rendition of Hey Jude.
- Don't sing the cranberries unless you remember that EVERY SONG ends with 3 minutes of awkward yodeling. Not hot.
- Any song from the 80s has an awkward 2 minute instrumental break in the middle that you forgot about. Don't do it unless you have beers to chug lined up for everyone in the room or else you're boring.
Late 80's [yes] The Eagles: Take it Easy
and I have it on a vhs tape. it's bad.
In a similar vein, Toto's Africa has a lot of verse between "I bless the rain down in Aaaaaafrica!" et al.
My best friend and I memorized "In the Club," when it first came out. So it seemed like a good idea for karaoke, except that we memorized the original words, not the censored for radio words, and didn't consider how to handle the n-word until we were onstage, mid-song. Also, we were in Scotland at the time and had no idea how Scottish people would react to that.
We decided to handle it by mumbling incoherently, which was a shame, since we are actually awesome at it.
rap fail can be enjoyable when watching people attempt to do "informer", by snow.
(the number of comments on this one is disquieting)
I came here expecting to read "How You Should And Shouldn’t Do Karate" and I am now terribly disappointed. Can you address this topic in a future column?
I also am a Karaoke Person Type One (KPTO?). I once started quite the brawl by yelling "Too loooong!!!" repeatedly while a dude was singing Meatloaf (can't remember which song, but come on, they're all, like seven minutes long). It escalated when his girlfriend took offense and wanted a fight; I then (naturally) proclaimed myself able to kick her ass easily because she was wearing capri pants. My (much more sober) boyfriend was able to defuse the situation somehow. Sadly, the match-up of regular-legged vs. short-legged pants was not to be that night. (I would have won.)
"stealth gayness" would be like, the sweetest name for a tumblr.
I usually sing either: She Drives Me Crazy – Fine Young Cannibals, or Don't You Want Me – Human League. I feel good about it.
I have a friend who sings the same five power ballads every time we go out because he likes the sound of his voice when it is singing power ballads. The first time I heard him sing, I was impressed. But now it's like, I don't want to always hear you sing Purple Rain and Dream On and watch you get really sweaty.
I have to disagree on musicals— "Out Tonight" from Rent is a good one. Just no BALLADS, dear lord, please, no ballads.
You Oughta Know is good for dudes.