Mary HK Choi, our guide to the world of consumer goods, explains which bacon-flavored treats are the right ones.
Do not eat: Baconnaise.
Because: It must taste how smegma feels.
Do eat: Smiths Bacon Flavour Fries, a “cereal snack with that extra crunchy bacon taste.”
Because: These are amazing, maize-based extrusion-technique (think Cheetos cross-section) vehicles for old-schoolishly burnt-tasting bacon smokiness. They summon nostalgia for when plaid-clad microdouches hadn’t yet pantomimed salt-of-the-earth hog farmer types to mustache-twirl book deals off pork memes.
Crunchy enough to scrape the bejesus outta the roof of your mouth were they not the size of a baby finger, the fries are striated to resemble a rasher and look like thicker, shrunken variety of Sun Chips. The taste is more homage than facsimile, akin to how Baco-s can be both vegan and (gasp!) kosher but these, while more convincingly porcine, lack the vengeful ANIMAL after-burps that pork rinds give you.
Smiths serves to remind us that the United Kingdom consistently punks us in terms of dynamite prepackaged foodstuff flavors. Hello Roast Chicken crisps-salty AND tastes like skin!
Where to buy: Woodside Irish Deli. 39-86 61st Street. Woodside, Queens for $1 a very small, 130-calorie* bag.
*Yo, what’s up with European people still citing kilojoules? Is energy on some metric shit, too?