Tuesday, April 21st, 2009

Gluttony: Drinking Nuvo And Getting Faced

Do not drink: Cîroc.
Because: Its spokesman, AKA Sean Combs, AKA Diddy, AKA King Combs, AKA Cîroc Obama*, AKA Ptwitty needs to dial it way down. Also, it's made from French white grapes and that just feels racial.
Do drink: Nuvo.
Because: It's hilarious.

OMG NUVOIt's a 15% alcohol blend of ultra-premium vodka and stone fruits that's Susan G. Komen pink, tastes like bubble-gum (the pederastic elements alone are a RIOT) and peddled in a lipstick-shaped glass obelisk that has the purposeless heft of a sculpture commissioned by the We Television for Women Awards. It's vodka and it sparkles.

Nuvo is the tramp stamp of mixers, the lily-gilding diamanté on the already furry Rocket Dog platform flip-flop of a cocktail. It's the brainchild of the same awesome Israeli who in the early aughts made millions (millions!) with Hypnotiq. Every thuggish ruggish rapper luh'd the tropical fruit-juice flavored cognac liqueur (sounds a tad Grape Drink, no?) and if you had a milkshake and I had a milkshake, every boughetto person in New York, L.A., and Atlanta had that straw.

But while the Cava-quaffing, Sancerre-slurping genteel don't know is that Nuvo is peerless if you, like several thousand grown'n'sexy hip-hop heads, have a predilection for getting DERANGED drunk. Even if you're a Murder Dog subscriber, the fey-baggage (faggage) that comes with vulva-hued partybooze is NOTHING when pitted against the magical synergy of tipple plus a gajillion pounds of sugar.

F a sizzurp, toss in a jigger of brown-whiskey, Calvados, Armagnac, small-batch bourbon-and You. Will. Get. FACED. Like, PCP fell into a K-hole wasted. Mix Nuvo with liquid homicidal mania, AKA tequila, and it's like whippets candyflipped with meth and the distinct topnote of sherm (mmm, embalming fluid).

Prepare to wake up in a ditch with burst blood vessels in both eyes and someone else's bra. Nuvo is excellent for morale because it tastes like porn. The expensive kind. Not the kind with c-section scars.

$24.95 for 750 ml.

*Props to the enterprising a-hole who parked his ass on the url "cirocobama.com" waiting for a payday. You're my hero, you derelict fuck.

Previously: Smiths Bacon Flavour Fries.

49 Comments / Post A Comment

BoHan (#29)

Wow. Just wow. That was great. Stuff like this makes me wish I was still an alcoholic. It was just so much damn fun all the time.


a splash to the cervix is totally prophylactic. pinky swear.

Rod T (#33)

Does it vibrate? You can really get desensitized if it vibrates too much.

Shahendra (#245)

Novu's one of those liquors you take to someone's house when you want to drink their really good alcohol.

And then you arrive, you just say: "It’s vodka and it sparkles."

“It’s vodka and it sparkles.” THAT sounds like the intro to the first song in an Andrew Lloyd Weber musical.

brianvan (#149)


IBentMyWookie (#133)

I was certain I was trying some of that the other night, but it turns out I had just poured myself a glass of White Diamonds.

KarenUhOh (#19)


KarenUhOh (#19)

It makes an irresistible, inexpensive cologne, if you like to hang out at the Continental Trailways station in Reno.

It looks like a festive colored power crystal from the weather pylon in the old Land of the Lost.

David Cho (#3)

I don't speak on the behalf of the Awl as a whole here, but there are people at this website who do appreciate the nuances of a fine, smooth, and ultra premium vodka, like Ciroc Premium Vodka.

Rod T (#33)

Be less stupid.

Ad-guy humor. You gotta love it.

No, really. You do.

Soup (#119)

How nuvo riche of you.

narnio (#38)



katiebakes (#32)


Hez (#147)

That's my next pick up line. "OMG, your beverage totally resembles my vulva!"

slinkimalinki (#182)

it sparkles? fancy.

Hez (#147)

YES! And it has that New Car Smell.

Rashaun Hall (#246)

I agree with BoHan. WOW! And something about that bottle has always bothered me.

But does it lend itself to clever wordplay? Like "That's some great Effen vodka"?

NinaHagen (#131)

I need some Effen vodka! And damn you and your #69!

Seeee? THIS is what I'm saying!
(Also, damn you & your Gravatar.)

narnio (#38)

And to think, I was going to try and hook Cho up with my Ciroc Vodka media buyer. GOOD LUCK WITH THE ENERGY CANDY BARS YOU GUYS.

Awww, why must you torment the poor guy?

narnio (#38)

Because I DO believe in this product, I'm in the process of submitting a photograph of where I shaved "Buzz" into my arm hair. Trust me, it's significant contribution.

I sure hope you printed that on heavy card stock.

Fredrick (#268)

Sincerely, I would have never considered buying this product with my actual money until reading this post.

Microtony (#249)


karion (#11)

That was breathtaking. And I can totally get behind bubble gum flavored sparkling vodka.

Can we tell the Murray Hills girls that you can do your colon cleanse with bottles of this stuff and then sit back and watch them drop like flies?

Gawker Media is way ahead of you on the vodka thing:

By way of Lifehacker:
The best suggestion:
Spray vodka on vomit stains, scrub with a brush, then blot dry.
Who knew that sloppy-to-puke drinking AND good grooming could go hand in hand?

Hobbesian (#255)

"tastes like porn." Right on. My very first thought was that I bet it smells like stripper boobs.

I wish it tasted like streaming, low-res porn. That's a drink I could get behind.

That would be Big Red and 151.

ConQueso (#265)

Ha, that's a pretty good. I found this review today to -


Let the bashing continue…

Nuvo seems to me like one of those OTT 80's "social satire" brand names you might see in a Robo Cop picture. Like a restaurant called Krettinz or a clothing label called BCBG…oh fuck!

Oh, and take it from someone in Yurp who knows a thingy or two about wine? "Made from French White Grapes?" Like bragging that Mountain Dew is made from corn syrup. That Pringles are made of potato starch and spackle. Heh.Heh.

NinaHagen (#131)

Pringles are great at the beach. I guess it's the spackle.

Baroness (#273)

I want a pair of lucite stripper heels, but hollow and filled with Nuvo. A little nipple near the toe. Then a line-up of kinky degenerates and Terry Richardson to photograph the whole thing, garishly. I don't know why.

saythatscool (#101)

We'll call the resulting photograph "Nuvu-Biche."

saythatscool (#101)



Seandi (#128)

But does it go well with Ativan?

Get him/her to sip from this lava lamp and s/he'll be savoring your stone fruits in no time

Cliff Spab (#84)

Vodka, sparkle, and pink, baby!

Smack (#95)

That bottle kind of looks like a dog boner.

Leti (#362)

I can't wait to drink this and discuss what episode of Sex and the City my life is reminding me of.

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