Do not drink: Cîroc.
Because: Its spokesman, AKA Sean Combs, AKA Diddy, AKA King Combs, AKA Cîroc Obama*, AKA Ptwitty needs to dial it way down. Also, it's made from French white grapes and that just feels racial.
Do drink: Nuvo.
Because: It's hilarious.

It's a 15% alcohol blend of ultra-premium vodka and stone fruits that's Susan G. Komen pink, tastes like bubble-gum (the pederastic elements alone are a RIOT) and peddled in a lipstick-shaped glass obelisk that has the purposeless heft of a sculpture commissioned by the We Television for Women Awards. It's vodka and it sparkles.

Nuvo is the tramp stamp of mixers, the lily-gilding diamanté on the already furry Rocket Dog platform flip-flop of a cocktail. It's the brainchild of the same awesome Israeli who in the early aughts made millions (millions!) with Hypnotiq. Every thuggish ruggish rapper luh'd the tropical fruit-juice flavored cognac liqueur (sounds a tad Grape Drink, no?) and if you had a milkshake and I had a milkshake, every boughetto person in New York, L.A., and Atlanta had that straw.

But while the Cava-quaffing, Sancerre-slurping genteel don't know is that Nuvo is peerless if you, like several thousand grown'n'sexy hip-hop heads, have a predilection for getting DERANGED drunk. Even if you're a Murder Dog subscriber, the fey-baggage (faggage) that comes with vulva-hued partybooze is NOTHING when pitted against the magical synergy of tipple plus a gajillion pounds of sugar.

F a sizzurp, toss in a jigger of brown-whiskey, Calvados, Armagnac, small-batch bourbon-and You. Will. Get. FACED. Like, PCP fell into a K-hole wasted. Mix Nuvo with liquid homicidal mania, AKA tequila, and it's like whippets candyflipped with meth and the distinct topnote of sherm (mmm, embalming fluid).

Prepare to wake up in a ditch with burst blood vessels in both eyes and someone else's bra. Nuvo is excellent for morale because it tastes like porn. The expensive kind. Not the kind with c-section scars.

$24.95 for 750 ml.

*Props to the enterprising a-hole who parked his ass on the url "cirocobama.com" waiting for a payday. You're my hero, you derelict fuck.

Previously: Smiths Bacon Flavour Fries.