Jacob Clifton, of Austin, Texas, labors in the heart of the T.V. recapping industry. He handles "American Idol" duties. This week, in astounding fashion, he dealt with the issue of current American pop idol sexlessness and Christ-loving.

I grew up with George Michael literally taking his dick out for us, and I thought he was adorable. Even the NKOTB guys weren't constellated around virginity as the ideal, it was just part of the package. Half of them looked like they were in their thirties anyway. But this new crew? Ugh, so creepy. What's sexier than a boy who will never, ever fuck you? Waiting five years until your parts work, and then having sex like a normal goddamn person.

I get that they're like, sex methadone, but it seems like a dangerous precedent to teach your kids to sublimate their sexuality in that way, like, the downside to abstinence porn is that you're basically being asked to fetishize not having sex, paraphilically focusing how on not fucking is the new fucking, which... Why bring a little kid into that mess? That's so gross.

It solves the problem now, but in the most twisted, confusing way where you hyperfocus on stuff that's not even that interesting when you're that age anyway, and then instead of just going, "Yeah, that's normal, you'll get there later" you take this bizarre left turn and say, "It's natural, but it's not natural, so let's talk about how natural it is, but act totally unnatural about it, and instead you can focus those natural feelings you weren't even thinking about on some weird absent void of sexuality."

To review: "There is not an elephant in this room." "Do not think about the elephant in this room." "Over there is a monkey. Monkeys are the opposite of elephants. Instead of thinking about the elephant in the room, think about this monkey. Think about the monkey!" "Your favorite thing about this monkey is how much he hates peanuts! You like peanuts? So do elephants. Which don't exist! You hate peanuts! Look at that monkey hating peanuts! Covered in peanuts, but just hating them. Are you hungry for peanuts one day? Don't be bad! You're a bad girl! Stop thinking about the elephant!"

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